By GoD's GrAcE...

Emily Update.

2012-02-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

So, I've been blogging a little more recently and I'm starting to enjoy it again. 2011 was not the year for blogging for me, but I definitely became a more faithful journal writer. God definitely stretched me and molded me this past year and I am grateful to have that entire year documented in a notebook. :)

But I have decided to keep the ol' blog alive. In addition to By God's Grace, I have also picked up another writing endeavor at We are the Burning Ones... where I bring up topics regarding the Bible, sound teachings, and ministry life. I try to not to dive into too many personal things there, but I know that it is hard for me to separate my faith and beliefs anywhere I write or go for that matter.

Any hoo, after almost a month of the Daniel Fast (Jentzen Franklin's 21 day fast to get your edge back)...

My food intake for almost a month...

I have been working out pretty consistently for 2 weeks now. I lost about 10 lbs but I also lost a lot of muscle because of the lack of protein...doh! I have been running on a tread-mill, stretching, toning my arms with free-weights, and working on my abs with pilates. I feel great! I am excited to see the results in about a month. I think the best thing you can do to get consistent with working out is finding a schedule that works for you and stick with it. If you set time aside to do it, it will be easier to stay motivated since you have an allotted time slot for it.

Same goes for your prayer life also. If you set aside time where you know you won't be disturbed and you can get alone with the Lord, you will be eager to keep building that relationship with Him. You will notice a difference in your attitude and the way you treat people when you spend time with God. I notice such a peace and a joy when I spend time in the Lord's presence, whether talking to Him or just sitting in the quiet, candles lit, and waiting on Him. There is no other word to describe it then peaceful. And in the world that we live in today, we could use some of that kind of peace. The Bible calls it a "peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7).

So between those 2 things, I have been keeping myself pretty busy. Paulie has 2 jobs (he's my workin man) and about 3-4 days out of the week, we don't see each other up until he slips into bed with me. Sometimes I am awake enough to chat with him, other times I am just able to kiss

him goodnight when he comes home, and some times I am just conked out snoozing away. It has been hard, but nothing that we can't handle. We appreciate every moment that we can get and don't take any of it for grant it. Because of that, our marriage is so alive and strong.

Monday-Wednesday this week was the stretch of time where we only saw each other before bed, so tonight is special for us. He gets off at 5 and I couldn't be more excited! :) After I work out, I am gonna shower, and curl my hair for him and make him dinner. I love taking care of Paulie. He works so hard for us. I'm not too big on Valentine's Day because it makes it seem like that is the only day a couple should shower each other with love. I try to treat my husband like that all the time.

Me and my hubs a few weeks ago on one of our "off night, date nights" :)

Show love. Give love. Live love. Always.

Peace&Love.

Love Never Fails

2012-02-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

Choose love over criticism.
Choose love over judgement.
You once wandered in darkness,
So show compassion to those who have gone astray.
They need love to help light their path.
Love them back to restoration.
Help them with their love walk.
Help them walk in the light where I am found.
Fill yourself up with the Word.
The Word lights your path.
The Word is founded in Love.

If we are full of Love
nothing else can have room in our hearts.
Deception, sin, unbelief, hate, pride...
It cannot stay because there is no room for it.
Love conquers all of it.
Love never fails.

Time to spare...

2012-02-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

Welp, today I find myself able to spend a little extra time blogging for a bit.

It's good to set time aside to just reflect. Not much of a blogger anymore, but from time to time I don't mind letting the world (whoever happens to read this anyway...) read my thoughts. Most of my writing goes into a hand-written journal or in my notebook of lyrics.

Speaking of my notebook of lyrics, I have been consistently writing songs for several months now. My songwriting has increased quite a lot since January though. When I was younger, I used to write short stories and poetry. In high school, the poetry continued as young love blossomed and eventually I began to put melodies to my words. I always seemed to pen my thoughts and emotions in a journal but it wasn't until a year or so ago that I stepped back into creative writing. I enjoy it so much!

My songs are inspired by scripture and just flow out from my intimate prayer times with the Lord. I sing to Him and write songs to Him and about Him. It is really cool when I get the opportunity to sing them with the band at Wrecked. I only do it for God's glory and if He opens the door to recording an album someday, that would just be a bonus. I never want to make something happen,I only want to walk in what He has called me to and in His timing.

I just want to live my life to please the Lord. Honestly, it is all about trusting God.

Here are few lyrics that I wrote earlier this week regarding that thought:

"Lord, please take control

Let Your will be done.

I can't do this on my own.

Please carry me...carry me."

"Jesus Your word is true

I put my trust in You

You hold my life in Your hands..."

May be this is what my blog can be about from now on...just songs that God drops down in my heart to share. I hope some of it blesses you.

Peace&Love.

I'm back!

2011-11-26T00:48:00.001-08:00

So it's almost 3AM and I couldn't sleep. I remember when I was in college and this would happen to me, I would just open up my laptop and begin to write. Just stream of consciousness type of writing. After awhile, my eyes would get heavy and I would be able to doze off fairly quickly.

And tonight, or this morning (however you wanna look at it), I realized how much I missed my old blog.

I have missed out on an entire year of blogging, my friends. That kind of makes me a little sad. But there is no better time to start back up then now! I have been keeping a written journal continuously, so not all is lost in the memory upkeep!

So...what's up with me these days, you might ask?

Well, I'm still very much enjoying married life. It will be 2 years here shortly....December 5th to be exact. I can't believe that much time has passed! I'm truly looking forward to a lovely dinner with my hubs next weekend. Frankly, I haven't seen much of him now that the holiday season is here. He is a salesman at Sears so retail hours can be kinda rough on this 9-5, M-F chick. Not to mention he has picked up a part-time job (2-10:30pm shift) to help knock out some of our debt. We definitely have to make the most of the time we have together. Helps us not take each other for granted.

I pay closer attention to the time we have. When you don't get much, you try to soak it all in. Car rides to Wal-mart or QT start to become more precious than you'd think. And as you can tell, we try not to take life too seriously. :)

Work Life:

The office made a move in July to a new location. Newer, cleaner, and more day-light!

The view from my desk... I no longer feel like I'm working in a basement! :)

I've been with NPS for 2 years and 8 months so far and I'm still believing for something else. I refuse to complain because I know I am blessed to even HAVE a job and a decent source of income. I would just like something a little less stressful and a little more enjoyable. I know God has me there for a purpose (and for a season) and I'm constantly trying to live with purpose when I'm there. When it comes down to it, people just need a little kindness and warmth in there lives and I try my best every day to show it to anyone who crosses my path.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,"

~Colossians 3:23

It all comes down to His timing and I will trust Him completely. I know if I wanted to, I could take matters into my own hands and find a new job. But would it be God's plan for me? I don't want to go my own way then ask God to bless it. I'd rather have God reveal His plans for me and they'd already be blessed! This doesn't give me a license to be lazy though. I keep my eyes open for opportunities and a couple doors have opened, but they didn't work out. Not to say God wasn't in it, it just may not have been in His timing.

Ministry Life:

I'm still leading worship at Wrecked Ministries. We have renewed our lease at the building another year. God is continuing to stretch all of us as we keep our eyes focused on Jesus and not on growing a ministry. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God... Our worship services are still VERY intimate, but we are so blessed to be able to worship without limitations. We never pay attention to the clock and we don't care how you worship: lying down, kneeling, standing, sitting. We just ask that you surrender your heart fully to Jesus and pour out your best to Him. We've had our ups and downs in the leadership, but God has remained faithful. We believe if we can be found faithful over the little, He will make us rulers over much. So we honestly don't pay much attention to numbers anymore. We just want to raise up a prayer culture and a group of burning ones who long to worship the King in Spirit and in Truth.

Paul and I have tried out several churches over the last year, but we haven't found our "home" yet. When you're involved in a ministry, it hardly seems like you are missing out on too much because you aren't "forsaking the assembling together of yourselves." But there is something about attending church on a Sunday morning that nothing else can really replace. Again, we know in God's timing, He will reveal to us where He needs us to go. Until then, we are meeting regularly at Wrecked for worship, prayer, and Bible study.

Any way, the eyes are starting to get heavy just like I expected. :)

It's good to be back! Hopefully the next time I write it won't be an entire year later...

Peace&Love.

end of the anti-social networking era...sort of.

2011-01-24T10:16:00.001-08:00

this hat makes me hate the snow a little less...lol So this weekend I realized how out of the loop I was when it came to my friends' lives. So I joined Twitter again. Still pretty anti-Facebook and probably will be for awhile. Again, I have my reasons.

But because I deleted my account, I had to start from scratch so no one realized they weren't following me anymore. So if you have Twitter, follow me @emilyrosemassey! Thanks! Lol

I figured I would use it more to speak positive things and tell others of God's mighty hand in my life and tell others of what Wrecked Ministries is up to. I'm starting to take my position as a worship leader a lot more serious as I begin to meet more influential people in the Kingdom. This past Friday was an amazing encounter with God as my 13 year old Catholic cousin felt God's tangible presence for the first time! God showed up as always and set the place on fire! Also, we had a guest speaker who tours with Eddie James Ministries and he had many encouraging words for the ministry and me personally. It feels great to know I am smack dab in the middle of God's will for my life. Music IS my ministry and God confirmed that this weekend.

And as always, it is so hard to keep working my 9 to 5 when all I want to do is minister to people through music and worship. I'm sure many creative people feel like that a lot when it comes to their true passion vs making money to support yourself and your family. Oh well...

I am hoping to put some time aside to write some songs with some musician friends. The downside for me is that I hear the songs in my head and I can write the lyrics with melody but I don't play an instrument so it can only be produced as an acapella song. Pretty sure I was supposed to learn guitar or piano when I was younger but never attempted.

Any hoo, back to the life as a insurance verification specialist! Yee-haw!

Peace&love

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Friday daze

2011-01-14T10:03:00.001-08:00

Got a chance to sleep in a little bit this morning (bc my boss rocks) and find myself wanting to cuddle up next to the heater and take a nap already.

Not feeling up to working full force today. Haven't been for the last few days actually. Kinda funny cuz I almost drove to the Wrecked building this morning instead of work so that shows you where my heart lies right now. I want to immerse myself in worship sets and write music all day long. But alas, God has placed me here in this season to verify insurance benefits and schedule appointments. Lol. Such a calling! Sorry for being fecisious. Health insurance just isn't the most exciting to work with.

I'm just having one of those days where I almost get sick thinking of this season lasting another 4 years (at least our plan for now) until I get to be a stay at home mom (my true calling). But must remain patient and in faith that God has it all under control. My sour attitude today probably has something to do with denying myself natural pleasures for almost 2 weeks now. How I crave chocolate! Oh well...it's good for me.

At least more puzzle pieces are coming together for Paul's true calling. He has always wanted to be a cop and now that he is 21 he can finally go through the Academy. The next class doesn't start until January so God is moving some stuff around to make it all possible for him to go to school and graduate from the Academy...big steps for a homeschooler who has never attended public school! I will help him though. Who knew I would get to enjoy the stresses of college all over again! Haha. But it is cuz I love my hubs that we will do it together.

Keep ya posted on this transition....

Peace&love.

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Hello 2011!

2011-01-10T16:53:00.000-08:00

So here we are....a new year and a new season in the Massey home.

Guess it's a a new season because I got rid of a lot of things from my past last week. Threw away journals and pictures from messy and dark times in my life. Memories should bring a smile to your face, not make you want to curl up in a ball and cry for days or throw things.

Been considering deleting this blog for awhile as well, but sometimes I feel like it is my one connection to the rest of the internet world. No more facebook or twitter, so what to do?

A lot has gone on since my last blog entry. I've grown and stretched over the last few months. Discovered life by losing it (Matthew 10:39). Actually, not much is left of "my plan" at all...and I have never been happier. Such a simple statement from Jesus, yet it is probably the most impossible for us to accomplish.

Every day I attempt to "die to myself" and ask God what He wants me to do in any given situation. Of course we all fall when we try to do it on our own, but the good news is that you never really are alone. He doesn't "leave you nor forsake you."

November was a month of growth for Paul and I as we began to consistently pray and read the Bible together for the first time in our relationship. It has brought us closer together in so many ways. We also tried small day (2-3 days) fasting to keep our flesh in check. Definitely new to me. Went on a reading frenzy and couldn't stop for about 3 weeks straight. If I wasn't working, eating, or sleeping, I was reading SOMETHING. Got a chance to see Iron and Wine at the Pageant with my friend Lindsay. What an awesome show! Paul and I spent Thanksgiving at my folks' new home out in the country. I thank God for His hand in that one. I'm so happy to know they are out of that old dark and depressing house. Not to get spooky spiritual, but they were definitely not wanted in that home. Evil presence in that house. But now, they are in a new place full of love and angels at every door and window.

December Paul turned the big 2-1...finally! He bought his gun that he has talked about since I first met him and we celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary at The Melting Pot and a night at the Millennium Hotel. It was a lovely evening out together. It was fun to get all dolled up for my man. My ability as a worship leader began to surprise me as each service went by. I was in awe and finally realized that I can only be a vessel for Him to use and nothing more. If I did it on my own, I would struggle, but with the Holy Spirit on my side, I get done and can't even stand up. I turned 25 on the 22nd and found out that phone calls/texts from friends get scarce or non-existent when you get older (or it might have something to do with not being on facebook sadly...) Oh well. Christmas went by too fast, as usual. It really was a Christmas full of giving for me, but I did get a nice gift certificate to a spa from my folks. Excited to use it soon! :)

And well, here we are January 2011....sounds sci fi to me. You know, flying cars and whatnot. Too bad it's not the case. It'd be cool though.

Paul and I got a chance to go on a trip to Chattanooga, TN for 3 days with Wrecked Ministries for Winter RAMP. And it was an AH-MAZING way to start off this new year. God moved in a mighty way among 7,000 young world changers. One night we were there: we had been worshiping and interceding for about 3 hours when we felt a shift happen in the room and a young 9 year old boy stood up out of his wheelchair (one that was built for him) and walked. The entire room went crazy. I have never prayed, danced, or cried out to God that hard in my entire life. It was a life-changing experience to say the least. Since January 1st, I have made some big commitments to God dealing with my walk with Him and He has shown Himself faithful to me in many ways. The anointing upon our worship team has been absolutely awesome and God shows up every single time. I am oh so excited to see where He takes this ministry. We are reaching out to the city of St. Louis in hopes of changing lives for Jesus. So far, it has been worth every second of prayer and service to Him.

Hopefully there will be more from me more frequently this year. I don't know why I have strayed away from writing over this past year. Maybe I have been trying to keep the focus off of myself...probably the reason I deleted my twitter and facebook. I don't want people to focus on me. I want them to see Him through me. So if this is why I am writing, then let them see Him through me and the story I continually ask Him to direct for me.

Soon I will tell a story about some lessons God taught me last week regarding my desire to write a book on my life. It was cool what I heard down in my heart. Oh so cool...

But any hoo hoo....back to my hubs on the couch.

Peace&love.

Enough to heal

2010-10-04T10:42:00.001-07:00

So about a month has gone by since we left Faith Church and I am utterly in awe of God's continued direction. He knows how to take care of the situation when we don't have a clue how we are gonna get through it all. From my last post, you can tell it was pretty emotional for me. It still is tough in a way, but now I feel a confidence in our walk. We know we are exactly where God needs us to be. On top of that, He has sent numerous new friends our way to help us through this transition. We no longer feel out of place. Our new church is great. We are being fed in great ways spiritually and have found a firey passion for seeking more of God in every aspect of our lives. And because God is so awesome, I now sing praise and worship in a band again. Not for Twin Rivers, but Wrecked Ministries (www.wreckedministries.com). God is bringing the right people into our lives and is orchestating something beautiful with our gifts and callings.  Friday night was the first time I have ever lead an entire worship service with prayer and everything. God is definitely stretching me in many ways. I am learning about abilities I did'nt even know I had. Lol I am making set lists and writing my own music (thanks to the direction of the Holy Spirit). It has been incredible! I had no idea a month ago that God would bless me with such amazing responsibility. I am so grateful. :) The only bummer...I am finding it harder to stay engaged at work. I go through the motions to get it all done but my heart is'nt in it. I find myself wanting to listen to worship music all day and emailing my band mates. I want to read more books and the Bible. I don't feel called to this job any more. But how do I look at the unemployment and not freak out? There are always days like this that I have had where I feel out of place in the secular world, but I am not trying to escape it completely. I just want to know that I am being used to my fullest potential. At this point, I believe anyone could do my job. With my personality...maybe maybe not. But I feel held back here. I don't know... Must go to God in prayer, I hear. It is hard for a goal-oriented person to just sit back and wait for a door to open. Where is my calling in the secular world? Show me God. Love&peace. Em 

Taking my mind off of the issue.

2010-09-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

That has been the challenge this weekend. Long weekends are a blessing for ultimate relaxation, but with someone such as me, my brain can continuously run laps if I'm dealing with some difficult issues.

Not to get too into details, Paul and I decided to leave our church. It was probably the most challenging thing I have ever had to do. And yet, I know without a shadow of doubt in my heart, that it was the right thing to do...follow my husband no matter what.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love to sing. I adored my position on the praise team. Letting the team know of our decision was also very difficult. Walking away from people you care about doing the something you care about, is so hard. But I have to remember that I follow God no matter what. God is stretching me and our marriage in a big way. So for the past few days, I have felt a little hazy and somewhat out of place.

I have been reading this book by Craig Groeschel and have found that it has helped me stay focused on what really matters...

Good read most definitely. There was a quote from the author about his life as a Christian Atheist that really struck a chord...

‎"My service was never enough. And as my love for ministry burned hotter, my passion for Christ cooled..."

Wow... That is all I can say. I can look back and see the same mentality in serving at Faith Church. I was so wrapped up in the worship team, that I sometime neglected my own relationship with Jesus. That is a HUGE revelation for me.

So Sunday morning Paul and I went to church (Twin Rivers off of Tesson Ferry...seriously 5 minutes from our apartment!) TOGETHER for the first time in our marriage. Woke up together, got dressed together, rode together, and SAT together throughout the ENTIRE service. Some may take that for grant it. It was really nice. I really like it there and so does Paul. The hardest thing for me though is the worship ministry...VERY different from Faith Church. They have a choir and 5 lead vocalists up front. And all of them were all over 35-4o years old. :( So I couldn't see a place for me up there, but then I realized that church and a true connection at a church is not about the music ministry. Worship was amazing any way. I may not have to be up on the stage to truly enjoy worship....it may even be better for me not to be actually.

So that was hard for me to swallow since I have such a heart for singing. Maybe God will use my abilities in a different way as time goes on. I think for now, he wants me to put all of my focus on Him and also focusing on having Christ at the very core of our marriage even more so than we had originally thought it was!

So another chapter begins...and more changes occur...

And that is FAITH!

Peace&Love.

Chillaxin'

2010-08-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

Mmmm....new Ray LaMontagne album. Perfect for chillaxin' this Friday night.

Just waiting for Paulie to get home from his FIFTEEN HOUR DAY! Yeah, he's my Superman most definitely. 12 hours in over-time this week. That's 12 hours times time and a half. Woot woot. Favor and blessing! Praise God. 2010 is absolutely NOTHING like 2009. It's been an Ephesians's 3:20 year most definitely.

Had a great time getting to know a new gal friend today/tonight. Our late lunch began at 3:30pm and I didn't drop her off to her car until 9:45pm! Guess we have things in common! lol We walked around the Loop in STL and tried on some cute clothes at their awesome boutiques. Just girlie stuff. And I loved it!

It's always fun to get to know new people. Definitely feel like God is trying to build up new friendships for this new season in my/our life. Her boyfriend is very similar to Paulie too, so that will make for fun double dates! Love it!!! :)

Anyway, Paulie got home and now it's cuddle time.

Happy girl...

Peace&Love.

Icky.

2010-08-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday is a blur. Mostly because I slept the majority of it once I got home from work. I think I saw Paul for about an hour total last night. He got home late (as usual) and I was semi-conscious when he came in the bedroom where I laid coughing my head off.

I honestly hate feeling weak. I can confess that "I'm healed in Jesus' name" til I'm blue in the face, but it doesn't make the symptoms suck any less.

Because of the cough and icky sticky mucus in my throat, I can't sing this weekend at church. As a singer, if you can't use your voice, it drives you nutty! Oh well...at least my ears still work so I can still listen to music. That would suck royally if those weren't working too!

I think I'm also getting to the point of my favorite part of the month...hormonal imbalance! Grrrreat!!! lol I was on a call today talking to a patient about how unfair/unjust health insurance companies are and I was so frustrated by the end of the call, that I started crying! Thankful I am in the office alone today. I regained composure and got on with the rest of my day. Is it Friday yet???

I could say that I just need rest, but that is just dumb since I spent a total of 14 hours in bed last night.

Maybe burnt out at work? Who knows...

I will leave you with this awesome video...maybe watching it will help me boost up my day and hopefully your's too!

Peace&Love.

2010-08-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

So not a good combo. Just sayin...

LOL.

2010-08-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

Is it bad that Paul and I laugh our butts off when this happens on the show WIPEOUT on Abc? Cuz we do...and hard... lol

Oh fun with the Massey's. :)

Transition or just not caring anymore? Babbling, etc...

2010-08-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok...It has been awhile since I sat down and just wrote out my random thoughts. I needed to bad today.

Today was a long day at work. Kept hacking up gunk and coughing...not pretty. But all in all, I feel alright. My awesome hubs gave me his upper respiratory infection. But that's what you get when you sleep next to someone and they breathe, sneeze, or cough in your face. lol Germs are gonna be there.

The biggest bummer? I got asked to sing a special song for the women's meeting at Faith Church for Friday (which this is the first time I've even been asked) and I don't know if my voice is gonna be in the best shape to belt out a Britt Nicole tune. :/ Oh well, maybe next time...

Any way...reason for the title: realized very recently that my friendships shifted quite a bit and I'm left wondering if I'm purposely transitioning or did I reach a point of not caring?

So many of my friends from the past several years have seemed to fall off the face of the Earth and when I do get a chance to see them, it seems like I don't know them anymore. It's a sad reality when you discover this. But at the same time, it allows me to see the changes that I have made in my own life to be going down a better path than I was living a few years ago.

Kinda funny how most of my blog entries are about this very topic, but it's hard to grasp when you are constantly moving and transitioning.

Random: I love PANDORA. Especially when you put on stations like Iron & Wine and Schuler Fisk. Been diving back into my folk/indie/acoustic stuff again. Paul can't stand it, but I still love him. :)

Before I end this one, I have to admit that I have been building up a list of things I want without even realizing it...I never built up a list because I was always an impulsive shopper-trying to break that habit at the knees. But since I am a budgeter, planner, and list-maker, I began to figure out how to save up for some things that I have my eye/mind on:

1. custom molded in-ear monitors (whole process costs a little over $500)http://ultimateears.com/en-us/products/4-pro

2. better camera that doesn't make the pictures look like we are in a dark room

3. 1940s style dress for Crystal's wedding (September 24th) with cute pumps to match

4. new coffee table and side tables (around $100 at Weekends Only)

5. new/used dresser and chest of drawers instead of the kid-sized ones we have now

We got our Dyson, so we crossed that off of the list.

Yeah, I can tell I haven't sat down and wrote in awhile. I'm definitely feeling random lately.

Anyway...

Peace&Love.

Drainage...

2010-07-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been kinda rough mentally. I hate to be a downer but it's the truth. I feel beaten up. No. I have FELT beaten up.

Today is better. Actually a lot better.

I have felt like I was up and down a lot over the last few days. Major chemical imbalances and whatnot. I don't like it when I feel out of control. When I get like that, I want to close my eyes and sleep it away. But I know that isn't healthy at all. Paul had to keep kickin my butt out of bed yesterday and literally tickled me out of bed. I don't know what I would do without him honestly...

I had made some great confessions after I found out some good news and by the end of the day I felt so defeated. Complete stolen peace actually...

The fantastic news is that my dad's house is no longer my issue/problem. Since January, I have been battling lawyers, court systems, and mortgage companies. Not many people even knew I was dealing with all of it. I usually put it out of my mind after I was figuring out what I was going to do. We decided to do a "deed in lieu" which means: we (my brother and I) sign over the deed to the mortgage company instead of foreclosing on the house. It's much easier just to wash our hands clean of it and hand it over to them. And now I can breathe knowing that part of my dad's estate is finally over with. Now just to get the funeral costs paid. At the time, I was 22, jobless, living with my grandpa, and in the process of a planning a wedding. I didn't have $5800 to pay for any of it. And our lawyer told us that we didn't have to. Lawyers will forever have a certain place in my heart and it's not a warm place. He was PARTIALLY right, but never did anything to help us with the paperwork and meanwhile, kept billing us for random phone-calls and emails. Thankfully that part of the estate is also over with...

So as I write this all out, I realize how much I try to take on without even thinking about it. No wonder I was exhausted. No wonder I was on the verge of tears constantly. I don't know what sane person would be able to take all of that on and still try to keep all the other aspects of their life afloat. But by the grace of God, I do. Couldn't do any of it without Him.

So here we are...FRIDAY. Thank the Lord. Paulie is working til 7 tonight and I'm going to try to relax for a little bit before he gets home I guess. It is pay day and all. Maybe I can pick myself up a cute little sundress or something. Oh the little things...

Kelly and Josh's wedding! 7.10.10

2010-07-12T07:05:00.001-07:00

What a great weekend celebrating God's awesome love for us. :)

4th of july fun!

2010-07-08T18:22:00.001-07:00

2010-07-08T13:06:00.001-07:00

Much easier to keep this blog updated now that I registered it with my phone! I love technology! :)

Neglecting my safe haven...

2010-07-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first started this blog. Almost 2 years ago.

I used it to contemplate and express the wonders of life.

It's cool to look back and see God's grace in my life.

Hence the title... :)

I can point back to that every time. God's grace.

I haven't been writing like I used to. Maybe I am intimidated by all the actual contemplation that really does go on in my head when I write. Maybe I'm afraid to let go and lose control of my thoughts or even to be still for a moment and allow myself to drift off. Probably...

I've been contemplating and reflecting a lot lately. It's funny when God places someone in your life that is just like you and completely different all at the same time. ie, my hubs. lol

He loves that I can talk for hours about absolutely nothing, but sometimes when I try to express to him what is going on in my big ol' plate-of-spaghetti-brain (woman's brain analogy given to me at a Marriage workshop...man's brain is like a waffle-compartmentalized and structured in thought) he ends up confused with where I was going with it.

And then I realize how important it is for women to have other women friends. We know how each other think. Even if it doesn't make a lot of sense. Sometimes it doesn't have to make sense, we just know what it means. lol Now THAT doesn't make much sense. :)

Because of the current of life, a lot of my friends have moved on (both literally and figuratively). And I'm left hanging onto the friendship we had in the past. Then I wonder why something seems missing...it's because the distance that has been placed between us has created a gap in our knowledge of each other and who we are becoming. And then a part of me wants to say: "well, it's not like I have any friends."

I know that isn't true and that sometimes things change when you get married. But almost all of my girlfriends that I still "stay in touch" with have their own lives and I'm not physically present in theirs' anymore.

Maybe that is just the place I'm in right now. Maybe when our lives shift, the idea of friendships change. We no longer "spend the night" and stay up all night and talk about crushes and our guilty pleasures. Maybe we are just "there" for one another when we need someone to call.

I don't know. Guess just another one of my recent revelations.

Maybe I am a lone ranger when it comes to friendships. I don't HAVE to be surrounded at all times, but when I am, it is a nice bonus.

So here is to all my dear friends...wherever you are. Even when I'm not there with you, know that I think about all of you often.

Peace & Love.

Beach dreaming.

2010-05-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

A patient today asked me when I got married. When I told him December, he asked why. I briefly told him that when Paul and I started dating and talking about marriage, we always pictured a December wedding. I didn't tell him that God prompted me about December 5th based on a poem I wrote to my soul-mate, but he I think I answered his question efficiently.

I then said something about our honeymoon and jokingly said, "Yeah, he (Paul) owes me a trip to the beach soon."

Then as soon as the patient left, I started day-dreaming of the ocean. Paul and I didn't travel to Mexico, The Bahamas, or even sunny Florida for our honeymoon. We simply could not afford it. We had to pull together enough money for the wedding and new apartment expenses. So we figured it didn't matter where we went. As long as we were together. And that's how I will forever remember it. Our lives were so hectic at the time, that cuddling in the bed in our hotel room on a cold, windy, icy December in Chicago was all we needed. Yep, me and Paul bundled up watching the Sci-Fi channel's "Scare Tactics" with Tracy Morgan. :) Still makes me laugh.

But as we approach warmer weather, I can't help but dream of the beach. There is just something so calming and beautiful about the ocean. You just feel so small beside it. And I believe God intended it to be that way. It's one of the coolest ways for God to make you realize that you can't do everything, you need Him, and that you enjoy His marvelous wonders.

I miss the beach tremendously. Paul and I got a chance to walk along the beach in January 2009 during a youth conference, but it wasn't very warm to go swimming. There's something amazing about BEING in the ocean too. Water all around you for miles and miles and miles. Neverending. Like heaven. Neverending and glorious.

Maybe someday Paul and I will be able to take a vacation together (before kids) and enjoy some time away from work and church.

This is week 5 away from him. He'll be gone until June 1st. *Sigh* I just miss BEING with him. No pressures or deadlines or practices or meetings or appointments or WORK. Just us and time.
Ah, that sounds awesome. :) It's always just the little things that I appreciate. Time is all I want with him.

Soon. I know that God is using this time to bless us and make us stronger. We're building up our nest egg and by the time our lease is up we will have more than enough for a down payment. And when I think of our house, it makes it alllll worth it. :)

Here's to beach dreaming in the meantime...

Peace & Love.

Change is my middle name.

2010-05-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

I think I could go back through my previous blog entries and see a chain of similiarities of one word describing my life... CHANGE!

God has been shaping and molding me a lot lately. Asking me to give up some bad behaviors/habits/thoughts, etc. And normally, I grow weak and give into my own fleshful desires to seek that instant pleasure those things, words, activities may give me at any given time.

And lately, by the Grace of God, I have been finding it in me to stick to my convictions.

Facebook was destroying my peace and I needed to do something about my slight addiction to the socially acceptable gossipping tool.

Since '04/'05, I had been a part of the facebook network. Many of you might recall that facebook was created for college students as a way to stay in touch with fellow classmates. Back when I was at SLU, only a selected number of universities/colleges were a part of this new social networking world. Friends used to skip class to "mess around on facebook" because it was all so new to everyone. You could post pictures and comment on people's walls or send a message. It was very basic and pretty harmless.

Then they opened up the networking system to high school students, which then enabled a younger generation (I believe you did have to be over 14 to use it, but I'm sure people lied about their age) to add to the fun world of facebook. Then facebook opened up it's doors to anyone from anywhere who had an existing email address to access the site. I think this is where it got out of hand for me. All of a sudden people from all over the place were finding me. Parents, relatives, cousins were able to see what was going on in your life and make it known to the whole facebook world what they thought of your new profile pic or upload their own emabarrassing picture of you.

Facebook started fights between friends because it was a way you could mention something someone did to you without calling them out by name, but EVERYONE knew who you were talking about. You be-friended someone just because you met them once at a party or had a class with them and talked maybe once the whole semester.

So when I graduated from SIUE, I used facebook to stay in touch with friends and catch up on the lately SIUE Theatre Department gossip. Then I started going to Faith Church, met Paul, and had less interest in what shows SIUE was doing or who said what to whom. I began deleting fellow SIUE alum because I found myself growing bitter towards their life's direction. I attempted to de-activate my facebook and made it a week without it. I gave in and started making excuses as to why I still needed to be on the site.

But it was causing me to get in trouble at work and extra little anxieties I didn't need. People started lashing out at me in their comments regarding my faith, and I felt betrayed by certain friends who weren't supportive of my decisions to stay in St. Louis and get married. I then chose to 'clean house' in the facebook friends list. I deleted so many people that I realized the only ones who I remained friends with were people I saw on a daily/weekly basis. Everyone else had my number or I had their's.

After the zillionith high strung conversation with Paul starting with "then today I saw on facebook..." he sincerely asked me why I bother to look at that junk every day? And I honestly didn't have a solid reason but because of boredom. And I felt God asking me to get rid of that junk from my life.

Now I know that using facebook doesn't make you a bad person or that it is a sin to endulge in the social aspect of this new age of technology. But for me, I didn't like who it was making me. I was judging more, I was gossiping behind people's backs, I was growing bitter at other's life experiences...I a meltdown last week because someone's enagement pictures were flawless (not that mine weren't...I love mine and this is why I was thinking something was wrong) and I wished I had thought of certain ideas that they did. God was showing me some hidden flaws of my character through this behavior. Maybe not hidden, but surpressed.

So I'm working on some things. I want to shine out peace, love, and joy. I want people to see God through me and I won't be able to do that if I'm constantly bickering, complaining, comparing myself to others, and whining.

I deleted my facebook.

And I feel sooooo GOOD! No pressure or anxiety about blocking people from my past or denying an invite to a party. The weight has been lifted and I can breathe again! So because of this decision, I have to try MUCH harder to stay in touch with friends. And I'm going to do it the way people did it BEFORE the days of facebook...coffee dates and phone calls! How bout that idea! Sounds ingenius!

Oh, and I'm gonna call or text someone on their birthday. This whole "facebook reminded me it was your birthday" thing is soooo impersonal! Come on, let's send snail mail again or birthday cards! I'm not going to follow the fold in this life. I want to make the most out of every day and enjoy the little things in life. No more virtual reality, I want the real thing!

Peace & Love.

And I'm feelin... GOOD!

2010-04-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

My amazing hubby bought me a ticket to Hillsong United since he knew I wanted to go so badly but couldn't make it because he's currently being my Superman working out of town for the next week or so. Since we were only buying 1 ticket, metrotix was nice enough to get me 5th row in the pit!!! Holy cow!

I am so ready for this night of worship. I have never been to a concert like this in my life and I KNOW it's going to be so anointed and powerful! It couldn't come at a more perfect time either.

Just need to get through the rest of the day at work and I'll be good.

Come on 3 o'clock!!!

God's been dealin' with me...

2010-04-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

Last week was rough.

Rough mentally, spiritually, physically.

Just plain rough.

The week started off great: Paul and I BOTH got off of work early and got some amazing quality time together. Just being goofy with each other and loving every minute!

But then Tuesday hit. Ugh. Traffic was horrible going into work and leaving. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. Paul was already home and because of a stupid bill that I wasn't expecting, I got upset and fast. I wanted to do nothing but run. Physically run. So before I could even greet Paul, I rushed to put on my work out clothes and get ready to run through the tears. Didn't know why I was so upset. It wasn't my hormones. I just was burn out I guess.

And then when I thought things would get better because it was a new day, a trainwreck happened mid-movie time with Paul Wednesday night.

You see, there's a time in my life that Paul knows little about. He's heard stories, mostly negative (because I was bitter), and seen pictures. But his opinion of this time in my life is solely based on those things because he didn't know me at this time in my life. It's hard for my re-newed mind to grasp things of my past. It's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't fit any more. I found out that a local theatre company is producing a favorite show of mine (a show that I've done before) and I freaked! Something deep down inside me wanted this opportunity again. I knew from experience, Paul has a hard time understanding this part of my life. So I bi-passed him and called my mom. Bad call, but I wanted validation! I was going to do this show even if it cost me precious time with Paul!

I was getting myself deeper in a big ol' mess and I didn't seem to see it!

I see it now.

I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking about how my decision would affect someone else's life. We barely get to see each other as it is. I said some hurtful things to him as I was fighting to hold onto MY wants and MY desires. Also, I was comparing a person to a thing. God blessed me with a relationship...a MARRIAGE...something I never had when I did theatre. Mostly because it's hard to balance them at the same time and still come out with a healthy marriage and feel satisfied in other aspects of your life because they take SO MUCH TIME. I look back on it now and see how I let shows fill a void in my heart. I sought out happiness from something that could only bring me that for a short period of time. Happiness is temporary because it is based on what HAPPENS. Joy is something that exists inside you and you can't explain why you are so blessed or full of life. I used my hyper-involvement in theatre as a means for an escape from my pain and loneliness. I'm not lonely or hurting any longer. Praise God!

To ignore the talents God gave me would be a sin, but I have yet to stop using them since I've stopped performing in plays and musicals. I've done numerous dramas and I am one of praise team members at Faith Church! My feet have yet to leave the stage. God never took it away from me. He just shut some doors that He knew weren't good for me anymore. He shut the door to my involvement in theatre by decreasing my passion for it. And for some, that would be a horrible thing. But for me, it needed to happen. I was so obsessed with it, that I didn't have time for God or anyone or anything else. And let's not forget about my PRIDE issue. Whew, I was full of myself...

I figured if God wants me to go back to the secular stage, He will make it blatantly obvious. I thought that this last interest was it, but that was based on past experiences and it ended up creating a wall between Paul and I. How could I allow that to happen to the biggest blessing God has given me?

I can't and I won't.

So God has been dealing with me about selfishness. I found an article on Boundless.org (a Focus on the Family website) entitled "The Shock to Our Selfishness" by Heather Koerner. Heather writes about how the shock to our selfishness is initiated by marriage itself. God is asking us to put aside our needs and wants to make room to focuse on others' needs/wants. The blessing that comes from that kind of lifestyle is amazing.

Still workin' on it...

Peace&Love.

Going along with the changes, but not agreeing with it.

2010-03-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

My eyes have been opened up to many new things lately...especially in regards to my faith and things surrounding the spiritual realm. Not to sound like a big ol' wack-job, but my life has gotten a little taste of things that are unseen and almost unspoken about. I've never believed in ghosts, but always knew that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against prinicipalities and rulers of darkness" as Apostle Paul put in in the Bible. So there are reasons for certain distasters and diseases and creepy feelings/noises in "haunted" houses. (none of which are from God). And when you die, your spirit does not linger here on Earth. There is no such thing as purgatory. You live in eternity in either heaven or hell. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Whether that be your job, your family, your life....

But the GREAT news is that God turns all of that around and uses it for GOOD!

Anyway, because of this new-found knowledge, my faith has grown stronger. Now that I know what we are up against, I know that I need to strengthen my faith and put on the full armor of God. We ARE in the mist of a spiritual warfare, whether you want to believe it or not. We must not walk by what we see, but what we believe to be true!

All this talk about thousands of teachers in the US loosing their jobs (around 17,000 just in IL) and the new healthcare reform bill, gets me thinking that one must look to something bigger than ourselves! We MUST! The government can't take care of us anymore. If they ever could. Heck, we are losing our freedom left and right. Our God is a god of more than enough and a god of over-abundance....these new changes in our society and government do not bring the word abundance to mind...well, not in the positive light any way.

And back to the teachers cut topic, I can now see why God had asked me to back down on going back to school to get certified to teach theatre. If we don't have enough money to fund a math teacher or an english teacher, how would we EVER have enough federal compensation for theatre?! Not to mention how much debt one gets into when they sign up for MORE student loans! I already owe close to $25,000 and I don't even use my degree completely at my job (how many more people can say that...come on you english lit majors!). But God will continue to take care of me even if my decision to attend college and study theatre was completely done selfishly and carelessly. I never took time to pray about it. I just did what FELT good. Faith isn't based on feelings, but I cannot kick myself any longer. What's done is done and I may not be where I am today if I didn't transfer schools or choose certain paths. Heck, I wouldn't have a testimony to share with others about how AMAZING our God is and was to me during that dark time of seperation from Him!

So...just letting certain topics sink in and not go around ignorant. I like to find answers to what is going on around us. Seek and ye shall find!

Peace&Love.

Mondays are...

2010-03-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

blah when it is rainy and gloomy outside and you'd rather be at home cuddled in bed with your hubby.

But alas, this is not an option at this time of day.

Nope.

Found a new project to work on...I'm going to "blurb" our wedding album. I think it's much easier to display on a coffee table then a big ol' chunky photo album. I probably will find some way to use my scrapbooking skills to create a more "hands on" type of album, but I feel like I could definitely tell our story through pictures and words using this type of publishing tool. So, we'll see how much time it will take up. I'm not good a projects that take take time to complete. I like the kind that I can complete in one sitting. This will teach me patience and time management. :)

I realize how starving my artist side is lately. I have always thrived at picture collages and scrapbooking and creative writing: none of which I have done in a long time. And I miss it.

Need to find some time to try...

What projects are you working on in your spare time?

Feeling the love.

2010-03-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

I knew Paul was different when he asked permission to kiss me. I knew Paul was different when he looked into my eyes and said "I can truly see myself growing old with you." on our 2nd date. I even knew he was different when he asked my parents for my hand in marriage the night before he proposed to me. And he stood out even more so when he gave me his wedding gift on the way to our reception...a notebook embossed with the words "Journey to Our Wedding" that he had been writing to me shortly after our engagement until the day of our wedding.

Paul proves his unique-ness every single day. No man has EVER treated me the way he does. He truly does love me like Christ loves the Church. With truth, compassion, and unconditional love.

These past few days have been kind of rough for me mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Probably biting off more than I can chew at the time being. So my body is attacking itself right now. My immune system is a lot stronger than it used to be; probably because of my faith. But for the past 3 days, I've wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep the days away. I had a coughing fit in the shower this morning and couldn't stop dry heaving...fun times. But I'm believing in a speedy recovery since my voice will HAVE TO be in tact for this weekend's services (adding 2 more services to the mix).

Any way, Paul has definitely taken care of me and gets the "Best Husband Ever" Award most definitely. :) From, cooking me dinner, to folding the laundry (which I know he HATES doing), to rubbin my feet...he's truly a God-send.

After my dry-heaving adventure this morning, I got to work and sat down at my desk and started my day. Around 10 am I got a delivery in which I had to sign for...

The card reads "Just thinking of you..."

And the simple words say it all because I know he is. As am I ALWAYS thinking of him and how I can show him my love.

I'm a girly girl and I like flowers and chocolate and love letters. Deep down inside, I believe, all women do (whether they want to admit it or not).

So I'm "feelin' the love" and I'm growing deeper in faith and love with Paul every day. Tonight is our mid-week night off together and I cannot wait. No distractions. Just us.

Man, I love him more than words can say.

ENOY THIS BEAUTIFUL WEATHER!!! SPRING IS ON IT'S WAY!!! :)

Peace&Love.

My heart grows soft...

2010-03-03T10:34:00.001-08:00

I've been listening to a lot of Christian music lately. Luckily St. Louis is getting a stronger signal for Joy FM and it will soon reach 2.7 million people on 99.1 (the classical station we now know of). But I realized how God will speak to you through the lyrics of these songs. I find the Fireproof soundtrack hits home more often than not. "Love is Not a Fight" by Warren Barfield and "The Words that I would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets are two that bring a tear to my eye everytime I hear them.

I can see God using this music to keep my heart tender. Tender towards myself, towards strangers, tender towards situations that are out of my control...

And boy do I need it!

I find myself getting really tense and on defense-mode when my hormones decide to go crazy once a month. I know every woman deals with this on many levels, but we should have some control over how we react when that time comes. This has been my biggest challenge the past few years. I've gotten much better over the past year. Not as many panic attacks or 'freak out' moments. That's good right? :) Not to say that I'm not tempted to go that direction. Believe me, there are some folks I come into contact that test my patience more than I would like.

But again, it's this music that I listen to on a daily basis that keeps my heart and head in check. And I find myself needing it more than before. I hear God asking me to "relax" and to stop thinking about the things that have gone WRONG and look for what is going RIGHT. To stop judging my progress with those around me. And the training that I received had me doing that ALL THE TIME! How can I be better than my competition? This is my "type"...how can I stand out above all of them and look more beautiful, be more talented? And then I try to understand why I'm comparing myself to everyone all the time. My degree forced me to do that every day. *Sigh*

Any way, I'm not my degree. I'm Emily. Made in God's image. That's it.

Peace&Love.

Enjoying the time in between.

2010-03-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

When we have goals that we are striving to reach, the hardest part is the time in between. The waiting can sometimes drive us crazy and we seem to be moving so slowly towards our destination.

But the most important thing to do when you start getting antsy is to just stop and smell the roses so to speak. Enjoy this precious time! We get so wrapped up in where we want to be, that we forget this "molding/shaping" process God is doing on us!

Paul and I spent a majority of our relationship looking ahead. Of course we loved every minute spent planning the wedding, but our focus was CONSTANTLY on the preparation of December 5th. I had put so much time and effort in planning that wedding that the day itself was hard for me to enjoy. If I could have afforded it, I would have hired a wedding coordinator. But I had it in my mind that I didn't NEED a wedding planner. Which is partially true. I didn't need a PLANNER, but I surely could have used someone to act as the orchestrator for it all. That person ended up being me. I made it out alive, but a stressed out mess. By the end of the night, I was SO EXHAUSTED. Sadly, that word is a big understatement. Really happy and excited, but EXHAUSTED.

So that's my perfect example of missing out on the now...the present moment.

But here we are, almost 3 months of marriage and it's everything that I've wished, hoped, and prayed for. I get to be with my best friend at almost every single moment of the day and night! Maybe my slight bitterness towards my wedding day can be paralelled with what we would say in the theatre..."Bad dress rehearsal means PERFECT Opening Night!" LOL. I try not to talk about my wedding day experience because I may sound like a drama queen or a negative Nancy, but it's the hardest when I see all my friends getting the chance to plan their wedding and that day is approaching for them. There will always be some type of event in our lives that we wished we could try again, but when it comes down to it....I'M STILL MARRIED TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! AND NO MATTER WHAT OUR WEDDING DAY WAS LIKE I'M STILL MADLY, DEEPLY COMMITTED TO AND IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!

Are there other women out there that sometime feel the same way? Did you absolutely love every single moment of your wedding day or did you have some mishaps take place that you wished didn't occur? Ex from my wedding: our DJ SUCKED! He didn't play any slow songs so there aren't any pictures of our parents dancing together. He didn't really announce the cutting of the cake, bouquet toss, or garter toss, so many people missed out. My friend Ana got caught in Christmas shopping traffic on the way to the reception so she didn't make her entrance with us. I was so frazzeled during the photo session at the church that I failed to realize that I needed a photo with the WHOLE wedding party, not just us separate. lol Paul's parents weren't present for photos (either mine or Paul's fault..who knows). My train bustle ripped in the car. Paul looked nervous in almost all of the pictures. I didn't decorate the hall as best as I could, but the night before I was maxed out and tired and couldn't help but say "screw it." lol I could list more but like I said, why be a negative nancy? WE'RE STILL MARRIED. Gotta tell myself that and not get jealous of other people's beautiful days. Our family always did put the FUN in dysfunctional.

Oh well. I need to just be happy with today. Not worry about yesterday and realize tomorrow will take care of itself with the help of my Heavenly Father. Probably just havin one of those days.

CrAzY FAVOR IN 2010!

2010-02-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

Last night's message hit me hard. Our pastor, Pastor Dave, and his wife Nicole are currently visting Joel Osteen's church, Lakewood Church in Houston. They've been asked to represent Lakewood as a sister church in the midwest. Pretty big stuff! They both hung out with Joel all day and toured all the in's and out's of Lakewood. They filmed promos for this new branch in his ministry and grew together in fellowship.

So while our pastors were in Texas, we had a great man of God speak into our lives last night at Faith Church's Tuesday night's service. Dennis Hammond's word was compelling and full of hope for the Body of Christ. He spoke about the amazing favor God's people are about to experience in this year...this DECADE! It's going to be ridiculous! And I believe it! God's people are going to see so much favor and blessing around them they won't know what to do with it! Checks are in the mail, promotions are coming, the right connections, the right jobs, the right spouses...they are on their way to those who believe!

So as I was chewing on this great word last night, my attention was brought to the favor I have already found in my life so far in 2010! Our tax return alone (seriously not bragging guys, just showing you how amazing God is) was jaw dropping and even left Paul's parents were scratching their heads. And aside from my student loan debt (which I pay more than the minimum payment every month), Paul and I have have lessened our debt below $300, we paid off 3 of his credit cards, 1 of mine, and now are working on 2 of mine which are both fairly low. And then yesterday I got our car insurance policy for the new term in the mail and they lowered the monthly payment by almost $60 for no reason! So with that and Paul's credit card bills gone, we are saving well over $100 every month. That's more money that we can give and more money to help us for various things that pop up. But when I see the greatest favor, I don't think of money or finances, but love.

How can I now be in awe of what God brought into my life? Although Paul and I have been together since 2008, things have seemed more honest, truthful, and passionate between us since we got married. Our love has reach a different level that I can't find the words to describe. He is my best friend and partner in crime. I ALWAYS have someone to pick me up at the end of a crappy day and he's always finding different ways to make me laugh. :)

I was talking to a friend's mom the other night at church at how I can't get over the change God is making in my life. And how much happier I am than most of my friends who are searching for some type of validation from the world. You don't need some random stranger to tell you you are talented or beautiful! Just believe it because God says you are! He LOVES you!!!!

Anyway, because of all the crappy relationships in my past, I can see that favor because God brought Paul into my life. It's perfect. I know we'll have our hard times down the road, but if anything, I think it's gotten easier since we got married. We fought more in the beginning (probably because I was in the midst of a heart change and was resisting it big time). But things are great and I'm so happy with where life is. Not to mention that God is STILL letting me be on stage and sing my heart out. I love it. Favor with that: one of 6 people selected from about 15 plus singers to perform at the Israel Houghton concert on Friday!!! Soooo.....EXCITEd!!!

Also SUPER SUPER SUPER happy for my friend Kelly who discovered her soulmate Josh a few weeks ago. I've known Kelly since we were 5. We grew up in the same church, played in band together, went through the same school system, and graduated together from Wesclin in 2004. Josh is a sweetheart to her and I'm so excited for the both of them. :)

Life is good.

Peace&Love.

Wants and desires gone astray

2010-02-05T08:28:00.000-08:00

It must have been a wild hair up my bottom but I got this intense desire to begin networking and sending my resume and headshots off to agencies again. In St. Louis. I caught a bite from Talent-Plus in Summer 2007, but nothing came of it. It wasn't supposed to happen I guess.

This time, I didn't want to network strictly as an actor, but as a model. I don't know if it is my fancination with photography or what, but I wanted to be a print model yesterday. lol I have this thing about me that I would describe as "determination mixed with crack." I don't do much thinking, I just GO! I get an idea and I don't discuss it with anyone...you know, like my husband (that would have been smart), but take matters into my own hands and map it all out and do it. I found some pictures that still look like me (thankfully growing out my hair makes me look like my headshots from 2007 again), and updated my resume with my new name...which sounds SO MUCH cooler than Mollet, lol. Emily Rose Massey...yes, has a good ring to it.

I got so pumped up about this that I didn't even take the time to focus on the logistics of it all. How do you work a 9-5 and make this happen? When are auditions held? Would Paul freak if some man (gay or straight) wanted to take pictures of me for 3 hours straight? What kind of atmosphere would I be getting myself into? Would this help or worsen my pride issues that I continue to deal with every day (like Paul the apostle said "I die every day.")? Would this help or worsen my body image (I have curves and I embrace them but I'm not a plus-sized model by any means)? Would this take up my whole attention so much so that I wouldn't be able to focus on my involvement at Faith Church? How much time would it take to begin making a portfolio?

So I talked to Paul about it on my way home from praise team rehearsal and to my demise, I was hit with truth and a strong taste of realism. My life is different. I have to just swallow it right now. If I wanted to re-open this door, I would let a flood of harmful behaviors from my past tempt me and haunt me. After Paul and I talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried and cried, I realized that I have a man in my life who loves me so much that he wants to keep me from hurting myself and make sure that I don't slip back into the lifestyle that was "normal" for me years ago. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want to be in love with myself, I don't want it to be okay for gay men to rub up against me at dance clubs or grab my butt, I don't want to get wrapped up in the party/drinking atmosphere, I don't want to forget out my maker and try to do it all on my own. And because of my "determation mixed with crack" attitude I know it would be difficult for me not to give that career path my all and risk losing all that I've gained this past year. And to clarify myself: I'm NOT saying that being a model or actress or entertainer is a path for sinners. I know some AH-MAZING Christian artists out there who can do it all. God has graced them with management and priorizing skills. And that is something that I struggle with.

Not all of Paul and I's conversation last night was frustrating, I actually reached a point of clarity with him. I told him that I can't keep things from him that I am unsure about how he may feel towards it. And that is theatre/acting in my life. It was the one thing that he almost lost me because it clouded my mind from him. Not any more. He's my world. I am so blessed to be married to this man. My life is forever changed because we met and I'm so grateful for that. But I'm here to say....I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I honestly miss the stage...but not for the reason I used to love it: giving me any opportunity to be in love with myself and tell everyone how amazing I was...but because of the pure passion and enjoyment of the art. The honest and pure love for theatre...the stage. I am finally coming at this topic telling you all that the yoke of pride has been removed (but pride is never fully removed because we are human) and I'm ready to come back to the stage for the right reasons. The friendships that last for a lifetime, the art, the music, the dancing, the laughter, the priveledge to showcase the talents God has blessed us with. When I stand on the stage, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Him in me. I give all of the credit to my Creator. The one who made me the way I am with the gifts and talents that I did not acheive but received from Him. All glory and honor goes to my Heavenly Father.

So here's the thing. I have not been in a secular play since November 2008. This is the longest I have gone since I began acting in 2001. Wow. I'm aching for a musical really bad. But I do not want to just take whatever show comes up. I want it to be completely obvious that I need to be involved in that show. The shows they are performing at SIUE this summer do not intrigue me and I'd have to throw together an audition piece by the end of this month. Which probably wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm just not that excited about their season. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be pretty involved in this year's women's conference at Faith Church and I want to be. So I guess the biggest thing about this is that I'm making a confession that is surprising myself. I do not HATE theatre/acting/performing. I hate what it can turn people into (because it was alllll about me and I made a mess of my life with the choices I was making).

There is one show that I still have a picture of on my shelf. All of the characters I've played and shows I have done and there is only 1 picture left that I choose to display. And that show is 1940s Radio Hour. That show will forever have a special place in my heart. Mostly because of the friends I made and the memories I have of our rehearsals and cast parties. We bonded. Completely bonded. I still remain friends with many of the cast members. I haven't stayed as closely in touch with them as I'd like, but I was planning a wedding for almost a year. But I miss so many of my Hard Road and Summer Showbiz peeps. I'm not sure if I will venture into St. Louis theatre, but the Lord only knows where He will take me.

For now, I'm enjoying my life right now in the moment. I have the most WONDERFUL husband, family, and church family. My co-workers treat me like family and my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. That is such a blessing.

So here's to revelation and a fresh outlook on my forgotten artform!

Have a blessed weekend everyone!
Peace&Love.

when life gets simple...

2010-02-02T10:12:00.001-08:00

it can become increasingly frustrating sometimes. For me, anyway...

I liked filling my head with knowledge regarding theatre and the entertainment biz and keeping myself so ridiculously busy, but now I find myself growing "blah" about the lack of excitement and complexity in my life. May be I'm just trying to wrap my head around my life being different. Different than I've ever known. Different as in "less drama," "less mess." My subconscious mind is trying to figure out what to do with this new life that has been presented over the past year.

I think it all comes down to my job.

I really do.

It's not living in St. Louis (SO MUCH better than the cornfields of New Baden), it's not my strenghtened faith (saved my life), it's not my wonderful marriage with Paul (He's my everything)...it may not even be the fact that I'm no longer a student. (it was the most stressful 4 years of my life!)

I think it is just the fact that I sit at a desk all day long and sometimes the phone doesn't ring, and sometimes all the files are filed way, or there are no patients scheduled, and sometimes there are no more phone calls to make. And I find myself sitting at my desk wondering when did the heck did I get here? When did I reach normalcy? When did I enter the blase` workforce like every other poor soul out there?

I'm GRATEFUL! Don't get me wrong...I understand the fact that we all need to make ends meet and make a living somehow. But I always thought my contribution would be more impacting more exciting! Is this how it is for most people? They just wake up every morning and do the same thing every day only to keep chanting under their breath "it brings in the money, it brings in the money..." Without money there is no flow in life. We need it for shelter, for food, for medicine, for clothing, for transportation, etc. Without it, life seems to come to a hault. You can still be happy (your emotional needs can still be met without it), but your physical needs are not met when the resource is not there. And life becomes a struggle for most.

*Sigh* I guess my personality just seemed to thrive (at least that's what I thought then) in that "fight or flight" lifestyle and now that God no longer wants me to endure those intense times (and I know why), I'm left just up BORED. 8-4 Monday-Thursday, 8-3pm Friday, I feel this way most of the time. And if I'm not careful I bring my blase` attitude home with me. I feel most like me in Paul's arms. Cuddled on the couch, eating dinner, watching a movie or our favorite Scrubs episodes. :) I feel most like me on stage at Faith Church singing God's praises. Getting wrapped up in the music and feeling the Holy Spirit move. That's when I feel at home. And most like Emily.

May be it's just a weird day at work. Or may be I've got to search for better motivation. Because the money reason doesn't seem as appealing as it used to...if it ever did. I wonder if one day I will have a job that makes me feel like I'm "there."

Oh well. Just take it all one day at a time...

Out on a limb.

2010-01-29T07:27:00.000-08:00

A couple months ago I came across an old close friend's twitter account page. This "old friend" blocked me out of their life in all areas socially. We live about 1200 miles away from each other so there was already physical distance between us. But the last time we spoke was back in early June 2008. He just stopped calling and stopped answering my texts and phonecalls. Then all of a sudden I was off of his top friends on myspace (this was a huge deal back then, lol) then deleted from myspace, then deleted from facebook. He never responded to messages or emails and I even went out on a limb and mailed him a handwritten letter. But he had basically fallen off the face of the earth. This hurt my heart so much because we spent so much of our time talking to each other. I remember calling him every night straight for 9 or so months. I even spent extra loan money on a trip to visit him to see him in person for the first time in over 2 years.

We met at SLU my freshman year. He found me on this brand new social networking website for college students called "Facebook." :) We had college algebra together and he remembered my last name since our professor was weird and called us by our last name when he wanted us to answer his questions. It was a very brief moment in my time there. We had lunch once at Racanelli's in CWE and talked a few times online and through facebook. But then I transferred schools and we lost touch. He kept my email and one random day while I was in the foreign language computer lab at SIUE, I got an email from him telling me about his book tour he was doing in and around St. Louis. I emailed him back so excited to hear about his successes in the writing world. Another year went by and I heard from him again about his new book that just got published. By this time I had just ended a pretty rough year long relationship. I was pretty bruised and scarred and was happy to have someone to talk to again that wasn't friends with my ex (my entire house full of roommates were linked with his new girlfriend who he left me for/cheated on me with). So it was a lonely time and I was seeking friendship. Deep friendship. And this "old friend" and I had a great connection. Our communication was just easy. We could talk for HOURS. We talked about intellectual things of all kinds. He always made me think and he had a weird and sarcastic way about him. But as you can already tell...because I'm a girl...I began to fall for this guy. Hard. Most likely because I was lonely and desperate for attention. But nothing really came of it after my trip to visit him. We kissed and talked about trying to see if we could make something of the long distance, but like I said, nothing came of it. He started dating and I finished up school, got heavily involving in researching my move to LA and the acting biz, and eventually graduated. And that summer was when I found Faith Church and then came Paul. :)

So everything turned out perfect for me in my love life (I mean, I DID find my soulmate and my best friend!) but I still missed the friendship we had. And Wednesday was his birthday. And I decided to go out on a limb and send him birthday wishes via twitter. Not really sure if I would even hear back, it did make me feel good to let someone know they were being thought about from someone 1200 miles away. And yesterday, he tweeted back thanking me for the warm birthday wishes and wishing me the best. He also allowed me to "follow" him on twitter.

So I'm left wondering...is the line of communication back open between us? Are we on the road to recovery or was he just struck with a brief moment of gratitude?

I haven't heard from this person in almost 2 years and he finally broke the silence. Whatever feelings I had for him died along time ago...OBVIOIUSLY we lived 1200 miles apart, he stopped talking to me, and DUH I'm happily married to my Paulie beans! :) It just makes me curious to see where the friendship could possibly be between us. I hate when people I care about are mad at me or frustrated with me so this would make me so happy to know I haven't lost touch completely with him. A part of me wonders if he will find this entry somewhere in my other socialnetworking websites and read this. And a part of me doesn't mind because it's all truth any how.

Any way I guess we'll see what happens next.

Peace & Love.

A place called "there."

2010-01-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

I believe in all facets of life we constantly look for a place called "there." It's where every fiber of our being knows it's where we are meant to be. Everything is in it's rightful place and life seems too perfect at times. But I feel like "there" can lack in other areas of our life even when a majority of it seems perfect. Does that make sense?

For instance, my marriage, my love for Paul. I'm there. I'm TOTALLY "there"! :) If any of you know what I have gone through in the past, you can understand this: Cheating (on both sides of the relationship), lying, forbidden loves, degrading booty calls from an ex high school school sweetheart who claimed to love the Lord, drunken one night stands leading to more of them months later, oh, and one cannot forget being an accomplice to an ex-cheating boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend he left me for...goodness, the RELATIONSHIP part of my life was a living hell! But God granted me freedom from all of that and I can now say I have the most amazing love relationship I have ever had in my entire life! So like I said, I'm "there."

And although my marriage is one of the best things in my life right now, I still can find other areas that I don't feel quite "there." Well, at least not what I consider to be so...

My job:
Don't get me wrong, I'm BLESSED beyond measure to have this job. I hadn't had a fulltime job in 8 months and this job pretty much fell into my lap. And if that wasn't enough...I got a promotion in only a month and a half of working there! Tremendous blessing most definitely. But, I sit at a desk alllllllll day. Funny how life is: we go through the education system for a majority of our lives sitting at a desk, we finally graduate with a piece of paper to say "we know our stuff on x,y,z" and some of us STILL have to sit at a desk! lol. So needless to say, this activity (or lack there of) is putting a strain on another area of my life...

My health/body.
*Sigh* I haven't worked out longer than a day since early October 2008. I know, know...that's terrible. But somehow I still managed to fit into that size 6 wedding gown and look like I had sculpted arms, lol. Only by the grace of God my friends, only by God's grace. But I'm tired easily and I always feel blah after work. And that's why I need to get my butt back to the gym!!! I have a membership to Bally's and I get charged for the sucker every month...God what a waste. I dated a 30-something ex marine/personal trainer from the Fairview Heights location and broke up with him after a week getting to know the pyscho and never felt comfortable to go back since he was sending me hateful and perverted text messages after he saw me there. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you but I wanted to tell you that your butt looked amazing on that stair-stepper today..." Man, what a creeper! Hence, the reason I'm SO glad for the "there" I have found with Paul!

Another area that needs working...
My mind.

I find myself thinking a MILLION thoughts on the way to work and by the time I get there, I don't remember the commute whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder how I even got there. Sometimes I'm not present mentally and it seaps into other areas of my life. Paul will be talking to me about something while I'm rushing to get ready and instead of just slowing down and listening, I just nod my head and continue to focus on whatever else is going on in my mind. It's not all the time, but a lil more often than I'd like.
Also, I want to read more. I want to stretch my capacity to learn and grow. That's probably the only reason I enjoyed school. But I will never say I miss it. Not enough years have past to say that I miss it. But being a theatre major did make me think in ways I don't get a chance to any more. All of that weird artsy stuff facinated me back then. Now I just spend most of my day talking to rude patients and their hurting tootsies. lol Not too exciting.

I guess another area of my life that HAS been blooming is my spirituality. I've grown by leaps and bounds since July 2008. Faith Church is a part of me and I'm a part of it. And I've changed the error of my ways just by going deeper in my faith and spirituality. But I'm not "there." There is SO much more I could be doing. There is so much further I could go. So much deeper. But we're not perfect. And God loves to know that we are all trying. But I want to take that a step further and DO not TRY. *Sigh* Read my Bible more, pray more, seek God before I go to Paul or my mom, etc.

This blog isn't supposed to be negative. I guess I'm just re-evaluating those "facets" and asking myself who I am and where I want to be. And I don't know about you, but I want to be "there" in ALL parts of this precious life we have.

Have a blessed weekend my friends.

Peace & Love.

Mmm...Bread Co soup...mmm...

2010-01-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

I'm content. Sometimes it doesn't take much. And today's one of those days. :)

Paulie got off work early and he's snug in our bed and I'm relaxing the only way I know how. Writing. Just taking time to chill and not dwell on negatives or issues. Just relaxin.

I've been downloading Joyce Meyer's podcasts a lot lately. She makes me laugh. I love how blunt she is. And ironically, every message she speaks is for me. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. It's nice to know that I'm not alone with my imperfections. And I've got a lot of 'em! But I'm workin' on it...

She's been talking a lot about spiritual maturity. The fruit and gifts of the spirit. It's awesome. She talks about how God blesses some of us with gifts like playing music/singing or photography or making awesome accessories like Jillian Pye! :) He gives us gifts for others' enjoyment, not for us to get jealous over. But not every one has those gifts. But He DOES give us all fruits. But we must DEVELOPE them to enjoy them. Good word, good word.

Any way, life is great. I'm happy. And Paul has been home for 7 days straight and it has been FANTASTIC!!! :) I have my hubby alllllll to myself.

I'm gonna share you one of my favorite pictures from the wedding. Thanks goes to Brittany Browers...

Where's the time go?

2010-01-22T08:43:00.000-08:00

Next week is the last week of January. And I'm left scratching my head wondering what happened to this month? I guess it could be because Paul was out of town throughout most of it, so I tried to keep focused and busy. Maybe I didn't pay attention to the days I guess.

Oh well, in any sense...this just means we're closer to Spring. I'm not sure why I've been looking forward to Spring this year. I used to love the cold weather, but I think all this rain has made me dislike winter this year. I don't like wet, foggy, and gloomy weather at all. It's not even the temperature that bothers me. I don't mind bundling up because of the brisk air. In fact, I LOVE being cold at night so I can snuggle up next to Paul under the covers. I just miss the sun.

Side note: I have another blog that I'm testing out: mrsmassey.tumblr.com check it out. It's nicer for mobile updates since you can call in an audio post or send pictures from your phone! Pretty nifty since I don't have a very technically savvy phone. Honestly, I'm by a computer so much that I don't really need it. Plus it keeps the cellphone bill low which is a much needed thing during these newlywed times.

Another side note: My friend from the Philippines (she found me on here and started reading my blog) is getting MARRIED!!! I'm SO excited for her and her future hubby!!! They've spent a MAJORITY and I mean MAJORITY of their relationship in long distance and he's finally coming to be with her in March. She's been sending me giddy messages on facebook about it and I'm so happy to help her finish up wedding plans. It's such a blessing to find your soulmate and God's timing could not be any more perfect. I would love to go visit her one day. She is such a strong woman of God and a great influence on my life. I just wish I stayed in touch with her more over the last year. But thankfully the internet is here to keep us connected. :) I want to hear how they met again, I remember it was magical. I think they met online and saw each other for the first time in the train station...I'm gonna have her share it with me again because I'm just so in awe how God brings people together. I love it!

Any way, it's FRIDAY!!!! Can't wait to just chillax with Paulie beans. Yes, I do call him that. LOL

Hope you all have a blessed weekend! Stay warm and dry!!!

Peace & Love.

Brrrr....it's cold!

2010-01-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

It's quite nippy outside, isn't it? (said with a cockny/British accent of course) haha.

I came into work this morning and froze my everything off because it was like 40 degrees in the office! It's been a nice easy day though and I almost feel like I'm at home catching up on odds and ends, but the cool thing is that I'm getting paid! :) I've got the space heater by my tootsies to try to keep them warm while my frozen fingers type away. As long as something is staying warm on my body, I'm okay.

So good news...Paulie's home! :) I'm going to enjoy this Friday night with him so much! I don't think he has to work in the morning either so this will be our 1ST Saturday that we get to sleep in together!!! 5 weeks of marriage and we finally get to enjoy that. So that's fun.

I can definitely sense the changes in the air with a lot of things in my life: work is getting easier for me (not as stressful), finances are becoming easier to handle, my pride level is at an all-time low lately in regards to singing with the praise team....

Now to discuss this one a bit further...
Because I have ALWAYS performed in front of people, I soaked up that applause like no one's business. Not to bring the glory to God, but to myself. This was a HUGE obstacle for me in 2009. HUGE. I got upset time and time again at rehearsals for the youth band or the Praise team because "I wasn't being noticed or recognized" for my ability. But it's taken so many prayers and time with God to get Him to break that off of me. "Take me, break me...show me what to do...Take me, shape me...teach me to be like You." (Daniel's Window) became my cry to God. And I'm feeling better about it all.

Last night's rehearsal was AWESOME. We even added 2 new singers to the mix and I was EXCITED about it. Normally I would get upset because I knew that it just meant I had to work even harder to get noticed. But it's not a competition. God hears everyone's voice, and He's not just interested in our voices, but our HEARTS. He can tell when you're faking it. When you're looking for the glory instead. And I pray all the time to be humbled. It's the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with. The world teaches us to seek fame and fortune. How many actors/performers/singers/musicians dream of that day when they can give their acceptance speech at the Grammy's/Oscar's/Tony's/Emmy's? I know I talked about it many times on here. Many many many. I wanted to be noticed for the gifts God blessed me with. And that seemed alright in my eyes...but I wanted the glory, the fame, the attention.

This is my new song...and I believe in EVERY word:
http://popup.lala.com/popup/576742244706842939

It talks about moving out of the way and letting God be seen through you. Becoming invisible so the audience sees Him. We're not supposed to want to out-shine God. We have to let others see His glorious and beautiful light. We are His hands and His feet and somtimes His voice. So if you are struggling with this issue of pride (with any gift God has given you) know that you are not alone. Just ask Him to humble you. Ask Him for help with your pride issues. And you will begin taking the finger off of yourself and pointing people to Him.

Peace and Love.

Have a fantastic weekend. Love you all.

New Look for a New Year and New Chapter!

2010-01-05T14:22:00.001-08:00

So I got a new background for my blog...what do ya think? Pretty shnazzy I think... ;)

Anyway, I'm going to try to get back on track with this whole writing thing. I realized that when my mind starts going in circles and I feel consumed with too many emotions, it's time to vent in one of my all-time favorite ways. Write it out girl, write it out.

Biggest thing on my mind right now: missing Paul so much and HATING the fact that he has to go out of town to make money. I know it's not his fault and I'm not mad at him in any way, but how can I build a marriage when I only get to see my husband Friday-Saturday? And even Saturdays aren't all day since he usually works in the morning until noon or so. Sundays don't even count anymore since we've both got so many hands in so many different departments at the church. So to put it simply...it's been hard. And I miss him. A lot. I honestly don't know how Army wives do it. I commend their strength and devotion and love for their courageous hubbies.

Events at church have COMPLETELY consumed my time since the wedding. I haven't stopped having rehearsals since the Christmas program ended. We're having these conferences on Wednesdays in January at the NW campus called "Winning Wednesdays" and it's going to be HUGE. They are expecting like 1200-1500 people! Holy cow!!! I feel really blessed to be a part of all of it...just sometimes I wonder when I find time to do anything else. Gotta squeeze in laundry, dishes, errands, dinner, and you know...Paulie time. Well, when he's home any way. Sorry sorry. Still bitter I suppose...

I guess it's just difficult when your best friend isn't around and you don't know what to do with yourself. I can only entertain myself for so long before I even bore myself. So many Scrubs episodes I can watch and so many times I can log onto facebook... No offense. But this is why being single sucked!

Oh well. He'll be home soon. Not that I'm not counting down or anything... :P

Peace & Love.

I am going to TRY to do this more...

2009-12-23T12:38:00.000-08:00

I guess I used to blog more when I was unemployed because I had more time then. Not so much now but I'm gonna give it a try since work is slow today.

So...The wedding is over! Thank God! :P It was a loooooonnnnggg process, but it was memorable. It's kind of funny when you have so many different expectations for a day like that and when everything pans out, it was nothing like you imagined it. But I believe that's what makes it special. Like it's your own unique experience that no one else would ever be able to explain but you.

And boy, was it an experience! Brittany was amazing as usual. She put up with my small (and I say SMALL) Bridezilla moments during the rehearsal. But I guess you couldn't blame me since I was pretty much producing my own wedding day. It was exhausting to say the least. Maybe that's why they have wedding planners. They are probably the go-to people when someone else has a question of "what the bride wants."

The DJ was bad. Really bad. But we managed to request good songs so he couldn't play bad ones which happened a few times throughout the night. I can't get over how many weird 80s songs he played! "Safety dance?" I don't even think that song was out when I was born. LOL And most DEFINITELY when Paulie was born.

But the day went by so fast and I had a wonderful night with Paul and all of my friends and family. That night we stayed at the Millenium Hotel in downtown StL. We ordered room service and just enjoyed time alone together for the first time in a good month or so. We spent a few days in Chicago after that and froze our butts off! It was just nice to spend time with him away from our hectic lives. We don't get to do that very often.

Since the wedding, I've been involved in the Christmas production at church. Playing the VIRGIN Mary is a little funny when the entire congregation knows you just got married! lol Along with rehearsals, I've been singing my butt off at almost every service we've had, tried to squeeze in Christmas shopping, and keeping the apartment organized and clean. So I've been busy to say the least...

Last night was the 1st performance of our Christmas production at Faith Church and it went off without a hitch! It was said that around 1500 people were there in our tiny building that seats 800. It was a PACKED house! After the performance we went to Steak n Shake to celebrate my birthday...that's right a birthday is also in this crazy December month! I'm 24 now. I do feel older. Maybe not health or physical appearance wise but adult-wise. No Christmas break. I worked on my birthday for the first time in my life. I think at that point in time birthdays start feeling like any other boring day. I mean, I knew it was birthday but I still started my day the same. Got to work, ate lunch at my desk, answered phones and stupid questions from crazies, and rushed home to get ready for church. Same ol' same ol'. I was bummed a little b/c Paul's been out of town since Monday. :(

BUT, he will be home tonight and he promised that he would sing Happy Birthday to me and help me eat the amazing red velvet cake my lil sister made me. I miss him.

Anyway, Christmas is 2 days away and I can't wait for it to get here!

Merry Christmas and Have an Amazing New Year as well!

Long time no blog.

2009-11-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

Well folks. 31 more days left to go and I'm....JUST READY TO BE MARRIED!!! This 23 year old doesn't want to live by herself any more. I want to share my apartment and my bed with someone. *sigh* Oh well, at least this long engagment has helped keep things remotely calm. Just a few more things left to do and we'll be ready to go. It has been kinda nice being able to take my time with it all.

We've been blessed beyond words during this process. Let's just say that if it wasn't for my grandpa winning the lottery, I wouldn't have a dress, a cake, a pastor, or a photographer. And my parents have helps so much. Paid the deposit for the food a whole month early. That feels so good to have it out of the way. We even have the whole rest of the DJ paid off. Thank the Lord. The whole saving up for this has been the hardest part of the process. Pretty stressful I must say. But the days are dwindling down and then the next step of our life will be saving up to buy a house. The saving money thing never stops does it?

I'm getting pretty excited for this time of the year. December is such a busy time for us! Paul's bday, my bday, our wedding, and Christmas! :) Fun, fun, fun! But again, I'm most excited about December 5th. Soooooooooo ready.

Any way, back to work...

Rainy Days and Mon...wait, no...Fridays?

2009-10-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired of the rain. Fall is my favorite season, but not so far. I'm ready for the crisp air and falling leaves. Right now the leaves just stick to the mushy ground. Blech.

It IS good weather for Bread Company's Brocoli Cheddar soup! :) Totally cravin it today (even though I ate some yesterday). It just tastes so good!

57 more days y'all! Finished a bunch of stuff the other day (wrote up the program, made a wedding rehearsal/wedding day schedule for the gals, and have been handing out invites as best as I can at church.) Still have about 10 more to do, but since no one is really RSVPing as they get their invite, I guess it's not a big deal. I'm SO ready for the day to get here. The planning has been fun, but I'm just ready to be married. All the dresses are ready to go...well, almost ready. I have my bustle appointment on Monday and some of the girls still need to get alterations/pick up there dress.

Dealin with a little bridesmaid issue, hope to get it resolved soon, but when phonecalls, texts, and facebook messages aren't returned, I don't know what to do. Trying to not let it steal my peace. I'm sure the enemy intends it to. But it's not gonna happen! Everything will work out. Saving up money. Praying to have it all by Dec. I'm sure we will, but it's hard to do it on our own. *Sigh*

Got asked to play Mary in our Christmas program last night. I was really happy that they asked me since our church is made up of almost 5,000 members and you know it's always nuts around Christmas. It'll be the biggest audience I've ever performed in front of most definitely. Was a little bummed since I was asked to sing 'Where are you Christmas' by Faith Hill, but maybe next year.

oH well..here's to this rainy Friday!

Should probably update...

2009-09-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

So...

I'm all moved in! I no longer live in my home-town. I'll be back there in a couple of days for my wedding shower, but it does feel a little odd to be able to stay in STL after I get off of work and not have to drive to east ba-jee-bus to get to my bed for the night. Yes, it's very nice indeed.

Best upside: I'm 10 minutes away from Paulie so he gets to hang out over at the place later than usual. We've been able to get a taste of married life....cooking, cleaning, shopping together.

Bummer: He has to leave when I go to sleep at night. :( It truly makes December seem so far away. But we both know that it will be here sooner than we know it.

BUT next week is October 1st and that's when we're sending out our invitations! Holy Cow!!! That definitely helps it all seem so close, I must say. Craziness.

When the place is a little bit more decorated, I'll post some pics. My The bathroom and kitchen are pretty much done. The living room and dining room most definitely need some decorating and their bare walls are driving me nuts! Paul doesn't see what the big deal is, but I'm a detail-oriented person. He's more of a foundation kind of guy. That's why we work! :) I'm the icing and he's the cake.

We'll see how quickly this goes. 72 more days!

I think it's movin' too fast...

2009-08-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

BUT I'M NOT COMPLAININ'! :)

I think we're down to 117 more days. Crazy to think that it's going to be down to 100 days soon. Have a few more things to nail down and begin to work on, but for the most part, it's done or close to being that way. Thank God!

Moving in about 5 1/2 weeks! Really looking forward to that for soooo many reasons. Let's just say it's going to allow me to spend more time outside of the car for a change.

Kinda random:
I've been having dreams about having babies with Paul. It's usually about our lil baby girl, but last night, I dreamt about our lil boy. He looked just like Paulie. Same smile. Same eyes. He even had little spikey hair! lol Pretty sure babies don't have the need for hair gel at birth, but it was a fun thought. It made me really appreciate the fact that God has given me the security of not only an amazing future husband but an amazing future father for my kids. I am so excited to see what He has in store for our lives together!

Work is going well. There are moments where I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring and we have no patients for hours at a time, but I try to keep busy and thank God for having a job. I remember not too long ago I would lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling just praying for a breakthrough financially. I've reached that point and will forever be thankful. I also continue to pray for those who haven't quite received that breakthrough yet. It's coming. God always provides for His children!

Peace & Love.

Counting down the days and learning how to stay in the "NOW"

2009-08-03T11:46:00.000-07:00

So many exciting things await me and it seems like they are all within reach. But it's messing with my present focused mind. I keep finding myself looking ahead all too much and forgetting about what's right in front of my nose. And it's causing bitterness.

I guess I had a good case of the Mondays this morning or I'm just PMSing, but today did not start off exactly how I would have liked it to. I was fussy and crabby and just wanted the day to be over before it even had begun. I suppose it was the Mondays...

124 more days til the wedding. So much left to do and it always seems like there's never enough money to do it. Need someone to hold me up today. I'm just blah for some reason.

REaDy for change.

New Place=New Chapter

2009-07-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

I feel as if my age is lining up with my circumstances.

I GOT APPROVED FOR AN APARTMENT!!!!

It's in South County and about 2 seconds from the mall and around so many great restaurants and stores! Did I mention it's RIGHT BY 270 and it will take me about 20 minutes MAX to get to work in the morning...YEAH!!!

I'm super pyched and cannot wait to begin this new chapter in my life! I'm 23 and I'm finally moving out on my own for the first time ever. No roommates, no splitting bills and rent 4 ways, no waiting to use the shower...just me, my stuff, and my baby coming over to cuddle. :)

Life is good my friends, tis good indeed!

Here's a pic of what the property looks like...

Move in date: 9/19/09...the start of a GREAT new chapter in the life of Miss Emily Rose!!!

Be blessed!

Week 2 of this out of town business...

2009-07-22T11:37:00.001-07:00

Updated: 7/29/09....COVINGTON PLACE WAS A CRAP-HOLE!!! DON'T RENT THERE!!!!

Well, day 3 in week number 2 of Paul's adventure 3 hours away from me and I'm missing him like crazy...as usual.

To keep my mind off of that, I've been gearing up for the next step in my life and our life together. I got pre-approved for an apartment in South County which is not even 5 seconds from the South County Mall...woohoo! It's really cute and totally in our price range.

A pic of the living room and a little of the dining area and kitchen...

Here's the lovely in-ground pool and fitness center...

There are sooo many good things about it. Only 20 minutes from work. About 10 minutes from church! And did I mention it was like 5 SECONDS from the Mall!!! :) So many great places around to eat. Still gotta find out where the nearest grocery store is, but at this point, I've 2 right by my work so that wouldn't be a huge deal whatsoever. There's access to the pool, fitness center, and tanning bed. Awesomeness.

I feel like such a grown-up. I got approved all by myself. No co-signer or anything! That makes me feel really good about myself.

So I've been making lists upon lists of necessities. I feel like I've lived this life before...Ana knows what I'm talking about...planning for LA was an ordeal and a half and I visited craigslist on a regular basis.

But now the big question is when? When do I move forward to start this new life? I wanted to do September, but I feel like God is putting it on my heart to wait until October only to make it easier on the both of us. I'd get one more month to put some more dough back for the wedding/honeymoon. That is a constant thing on my brain. Constant. By the end of August, I'll have plenty, but always want a cushion. *Sigh*

Keep pushing forward.

Peace and Love.

Desires.

2009-07-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

You're in my heart
You're on my mind
The thoughts of you cirlce around
They make me smile
They make my world

Without you
life seems empty
what did I do before you?
I can't seem to remember...

I miss you.
So much it hurts.
How many more days?
Hours seem like days
And days seem like months

So the countdown continues
to when we will be one
Life never seemed this meaningful
but it does now because of you

because of your love.
for me.
for us.
for what we are and will be.

I love you.
So much.

These next 2 weeks are gonna be difficult!

2009-07-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

Paul left this morning for an out of town job that will keep him from my presence for the next 2 weeks. He'll come back this weekend. There's a possibility that I will see him Friday night, but who knows. It's hard when you are used to spending every day with your best friend and then they are gone for awhile. This time a part will be good for us and good for me to take a breather and have some alone time with God and my own thoughts. That could be a bad thing if I let it, but I'm not gonna let it.

This Monday was looking pretty scary at work. I was not really in the mood to deal with patients. Just having a case of the Mondays I suppose...

I'm having a better day now that I have my cherry pepsi at hand. :) It's the little things that help me get through my day.

In other news...
Count-down to the wedding...145 more days!
Got approved for a Kohls credit card-this means my credit is hopefully getting better and will greaten our chances for apartments and home-loans and what-not. Big girl stuff!

Anyway, slow work week. People really don't have the dough to spend on $450 orthotics I suppose. Hope y'all have a good week!

Peace & Love.

Having another one of those...

2009-07-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

growing-up-sucks-moments.

I'm also extremely hormonal so that does not help either.

I'm not going to try to complain in this post, but TRY to just talk.

I have had massive headaches, all-day-long headaches, for the past month and on and off again headaches for probably the past 4. I know that there are several reasons for these headaches, stress, caffeine withdrawls, lack of water, lack of sleep, poor diet, and finally have figured out the big one...old lenses prescription...7 years old. No wonder I have had these headaches! My eyes are like..."You idiot! We are so tired...what are you doing to us??!!!"

So I stayed home today to rest those strained eyeballs and get an eye exam scheduled ASAP. Because lenses are so friggin expensive, I've got to dip into my savings, which is for the wedding. And that is where my stress comes from...saving up for the biggest day of my entire life. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm having trouble with saving up. I spend 300 is gas alone every month just to get to work. I'm still commuting and it is the one thing I loathe more than anything. I'm staying in New Baden just to save on money because of rent issues. *Sigh*

Meanwhile in the land of Emily Rose...my brain sends me around in circles. When I end up talking to Paul about it, I sound crazy because I repeat myself without meaning to. It also doesn't help because I'm constantly wishing I was younger. I find myself wanting to go back to the days where all I had to worry about was waking up to go to class. Maybe as humans we are never satisified with our circumstances. And that's where I get the most frustrated. I was so happy to graduate last May and leave the stress of college behind me. What about being happy to leave the stressful auditions behind me as well? Several months ago, I would have killed to have a job and save me from my facebook and blogging boredom. Not to mention the nanny days...boooorrrrinnggg....

And yet, here I sit, whining about how I hate being a grown-up. How I miss summer vacation. How I miss performing in Disney's High School Musical with everyone. How I miss listening to music and journaling all day long. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because it's July and I should be swimming and playing outside. I have experienced full-time work for the first time in my life and I got so caught up in that, that I almost forgot it was summer. Sitting in an office at a computer was not what I wanted for my life, but it's what will do for now as we save up for a life together. *Sigh* Do we all wish to be kids again? I love having Paul. If I could have that and be a kid at the same time, I think that would be my idea of heaven. And maybe that's what heaven is like. A life as a child with no stress or worldly obligations such as work, bills, or health problems.

Yes, I'm having one of those days today. Questioning my future. Questioning my desires. Questioning myself and my passions. Putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that God knows best. It's just so difficult to sit "here" when you want to be "there." Wherever "there" is...I have no idea.

Another day goes by...

8 months together...what an adventure!

2009-06-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's funny to think that Paulie and I have been engaged longer than we actually dated, but nonetheless, we've been together 8 months today. And they have been an amazing 8 months at that. Planning this wedding with him brings me so much joy. It's been the easiest thing I've ever done. I think that's because we had a lot of people saying prayers for us when they first heard of our engagement. A lot of the older couples in the church want the best for us and because we're young, they've given us great advice and guidance for our marriage preparation.

We're checkin' off things left and right. We went to the baker's yesterday and picked up a pamphlet. We just have to schedule a quick appt. and let him know that this is what we want our cake to look like! I already bought that exact cake topper at Michael's and have rose petals gallore! Goodness I'm excited! The bakery even has FUNFETTI cake! :) You know that's what I want!

We get our engagement pics taken on Saturday...super excited to be getting recent pictures of us! All the ones I have of us, Paulie is clean-shaven and I'm white as a ghost! Now I'm tan, he has a goa-tee (how do you spell that?) and I have short hair.

...as of right now I don't have any good pics of my new do just this one from my phone. But I got 5 inches cut off. I haven't had it this short since...2004? That's almost 5 good years of long hair that I HAD to keep because of headshots/auditions. Well guess what...the place that I perform now doesn't really care what my hair looks like! :) Paulie likes it a lot too. He said that it's the "new Emily Rose." He also said that I remind him of what I'll look like when I'm a mom. And that I shouldn't take offense of that because I'm gonna be a hot mom. LOL. He's silly.

Work's been kinda slow lately and this week, the patients have been down right hateful towards me. So much so, 2 of them brought me to tears. One after the phone call and one during. Jeezo peet people gotta take a chill pill! But I'm not letting that get me down. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and praising God that I even HAVE a job.

Thank the Lord it's Friday, that's all I'm sayin'! Have a great weekend!

Peace & Love.

Completely in awe of it all.

2009-06-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

Life always seems to take crazy turns when you least expect it and for me, they have been GREAT turns!

First off, I'm madly, deeply, crazy in love with my fiance Paul and the countdown until our wedding continues to excite me...185 more days! That's great considering it started at over 300! I'll take 185 over 351 any day! :) I haven't seen much of him lately because we've both been working a lot. (I just started full-time and recently took over the office...making more money and getting more hours are 2 very VERY good things when you are planning a wedding!!!).

Next, my involvement at church has gotten a little crazy, but in a good way! I'm helping out with a drama for the women's conference and I found out recently that I will be singing with the praise team for this event as well! Awesomeness~last weekend marked my first time singing with the praise team at Faith Church...I'm honored...seriously. I sang up there last night at the last minute and I'm so grateful that I'm so familiar with the lryics now that I can do that. I also help out in the KOF (Kids of Faith) children's ministry on Sunday mornings, teaching small Bible lessons to lil ones. It keeps me busy throughout my week most definitely.

Things are coming along quite nicely with wedding plans. I got a majority of my bridesmaid's measured and I finish up my last one tonight...going to dinner with my maid of honor afterwards. My goodness it's been forever since we hung out! Since like November! It was great to spend time with my lady friends this past weekend. My movie star Ana was home. My oh my I missed her face. Had a nice girls day with her and Sarah. Got a chance to say hello to Bri at Coldstone and sat outside in the gorgeous weather eating ice cream and drinking smoothies. Ah, it was nice.

I feel like I'm all over the place with this blog but that's how my thought patterns have been lately.

Getting engagement pics done soon by the lovely Brittany Browers. Super excited about that...getting tan for them too! fun fun.

Hmm...what else...

Falling in love with my man every single day. Missing him to pieces. Can't wait to see him..ugh...

Hope you have a blessed rest of your week!

Peace & Love.

Against company policy...

2009-05-14T12:14:00.001-07:00

But I just gotta blog!

Well, I'm sitting at work and have absolutely NOTHING to do for the first time since I started. I have a feeling that when I run this office soon, this will happen a lot. I guess I can just be glad I'm good at my job. Sure. That sounds good.

Life is good. Enjoying employment, but having a hard time with time management in other areas of my life. You know, family time, Paul time, and God time. It'd be cool if I was better at trying to work out too, but that is something that may not happen for a little while. The gym I work out at (haven't since early October) has a creeper that works there that I kinda dated for a bit. I guess I could just flash my engagment ring to ward off all creepers but I'm not sure how this dude will react. When I "broke up" with him (after 10 days), he became kind of a butt. So I got busy and stopped working out because I didn't really want to run into him.

Anyway, wedding planning is coming along nicely. The only difficult part is trying to get all of my bridesmaids to help me out with their schedules! Trying to get 6 girls in one place at one time is not working to my advantage right now. 1 lives on the West Coast, the other in Chicago, and the rest are too flippin' busy for much of anything. I just have to keep telling myself that it will all work out just fine.

Paulie and I bought a TON of wedding stuff a few weeks ago and took care about most of the small, detailed things. Center-pieces, decorations, invitations, napkins with our intials, etc. All that is left is to pay for all the big stuff: photographer, DJ, food, cake, and pastor's fee. But that's it! It feels good to narrow it down to only a few things. And once we narrow it down even more, we get to start focusing on apartments. We've already been looking around the Arnold/Fenton area. Hopefully when the last insurance policy comes in, we can let Miss Emily move in an apartment early so her car can rest a little while. I've put over 7,000 miles on my car since March. Not good. I really don't want to keep putting the major bucks in gas either. But I will not complain. It could be SO MUCH worse...like last summer's gas prices...YIKES! This $2.19-$2.29 is nothing.

OH! This just in:

Shelby came up to me after Tuesday night's service and told me that she heard I wanted to sing with the Worship Team. "I really want to start working with you as soon as you can. I know you're super involved already with the youth band, KOF, and drama ministries, but I'd love to have you up there with us." How awesome is that?! I'll be singing with Faith Church St. Louis' praise and worship team soon! Yay! It's been what I've wanted to do since I started going to that church back in July...can you believe it will be a year in about 2 months?! My goodness! She even told me that I'll be singing with them at this summer's Women's conference...awesomeness!

Do-te-do...bored, bored, BORED!

Guess, I'll wipe down the desks one more time...

Peace & Love.

6 whole months.

2009-04-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Paul and I will celebrate 6 months together. I would have never thought that I would fall so hard for someone like I have fallen for Paul in such a short period of time.

He entered my life so quickly and we weren't dating very long before we dove into wedding planning. I can't imagine life without him now. He's my best friend and my soul-mate. Each day that passes is one more day we grow deeper in our faith and deeper in love. The voicemails and the text messages I get from him on a daily basis bring tears to my eyes. I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm not ashamed.

God knew how much I needed this. All of it. The roses, the chocolate, the love letters. It's all so cliche and I really don't care. I'm blessed to have this simplicity. It helps lessen the likelihood of me going crazy or stressing out. I actually get a little unpleasant when I don't get to see Paul. Haha. So I really can't imagine me locking myself up in play rehearsals for months at a time any more. I'd miss him too much. I'd rather love person over something that will never learn how to love me back.

*sigh*

I'm headed to SIUE to see a few friends perform in "As You Like It." I still go to support them because I remember how important it was to me for people to come support me when I still did shows. I'm actually really excited to see a lot of them. I've been kinda anti-social these past few months and it'll be nice to say hello to my pals.

Anyway, this weather is absolutely gorgeous and makes me want to visit the beach! :)

Have a blessed weekend everyone!!!

Peace&Love.

When did I grow up?

2009-04-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

I stayed home today because my body was screaming at me to do so. I've been running myself ragged for over a month and my immune system is definitely showing it. But it was nice to get a chance to sleep in, clean my messy room, put away laundry that has been sitting for a week, and do some ironing. *Sigh*

Sometimes I wonder whose life I'm leading since it's changed so drastically in one year. Can you believe that one year ago I was getting ready to graduate college? I can't. It seems like yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like forever ago. I'm now getting ready for marriage. It's weird how life works. You get used to something for a few years and then suddenly, your life takes a turn and you're older. Most people, like me, are in gradeschool for 6-7 years, then junior high for 2-3 years, high school for 4 years, and then college for 4-6, and some people continue schooling for 2-5 more years after that. Each time you reach a new level of education, your environment changes, your mindset changes. And each time, you have to get used to the person you are becoming.

I've noticed over and over again that I am not the Emily of a year ago. God did some MAJOR changes to my heart and mind this year and oddly enough, it began shortly after I escaped the grip of education. I no longer could look to the instituation of education to define me. I wasn't a freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior any more. I wasn't a cheerleader, band-o, SETO officer, or theatre major. I eventually started to lose the title of "actress" as well. I had to learn how to be Emily Rose. Just me. And let me tell you....it's hard to find yourself when you have been told who you are by someone else your whole life. I'm reminded of the labeling every single time I log onto facebook and I'm bombarded by people from my past. Pictures, stories of cast-parties, and people complaining about writing papers and freaking out about projects that are due. I work now. Yep. I spend my days working in an office, in front of a computer and answering phones. A job I NEVER thought I would be good at, let alone enjoy. But I do and that weirds me out to no end! :) I also spend my nights volunteering at church. Performing silly skits for the kids in the Kids of Faith Ministry and singing with the youth band, Innerlight. And in between work and church, I spend time with my best friend, my fiance, Paul.

I have come to a place where it's okay that I don't have a million friends that I spend all my time with. I'm completely content with what and who God has given me to play out my days. My life is simple, yet it keeps me busy. I am who I am and I wouldn't ever want to change that.

*Sigh* I'm not really sure what this blog was about, but I know that every time I catch a glimpse of my past on facebook, I feel the need to announce the change that has entered my life. I don't party anymore, I don't really act in plays or musicals (or even have the desire...which is REALLY weird), I don't really enjoy watching plays anymore either (I don't know why that is either). I have reached another level of life called ADULTHOOD.

But I'm left wondering...when did I grow up?

Moving forward...

2009-04-17T11:42:00.001-07:00

I'm finally getting back into the swing of things as far as the wedding is concerned. I'm going to look for my dress tomorrow (FINALLY!) and I just bought Paulie's wedding ring. I'm going to try to surprise him with it on our wedding day. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to. He'll know that I bought it, but he won't know what it looks like until that day. I'm excited!!! :)

I paid the deposit for the reception hall and will hopefully be making more calls about the cake and dj and whatnot. Luckily, the food is going to be taken care of as well. Don't have to worry too much about finding a caterer. Thank God!

I need to keep my bridesmaids updated. I'm doing a bad job of that. I found the dress for them, I just need to make sure they get measured sometime soon! I added another bridesmaid a few weeks ago (now I have 7 including my lil sis who will be a junior bridesmaid...craziness!). I really wanted my cousin Katie to be in it since we were really close growing up and I'm only getting married once. Things just shift so much when you get older. I don't stay in touch with all my friends as much as I should, but at this point, I hardly see Paul. So if I haven't talked to you in awhile, don't take offense. I'm trying...

Honeymoon stuff:

We're praying for a trip to Hawaii. The inheritence money is taking a lot longer to receive then first expected. There's a possibility we might have to take one of the insurance companies to court. If this is the case, we may have to use the money out of our own pocket for our wedding. Pretty much like every other person on the planet that doesn't have a rich mommy and daddy. It's okay though. Everything is pretty easy to pay for so far. Not sure how much my dress is going to cost me, but at this point, I don't want to spend more than a few hundred dollars. I'm only wearing it for one day and not even a full day...9 hours. The food will probably be the most expensive thing, but it's still going to be under $2,000. It's kinda crazy how quickly things start adding up. I'm just ready to be married, but at the same time, I'm glad Paul and I get to enjoy being engaged for awhile.

Well, I'm going to enjoy this gorgeous Spring day. What a lovely Friday!!!

Have a blessed and beautiful weekend all!

Peace & Love.

Catching my breath.

2009-04-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

So my life seems to have been running out ahead of me as I trail behind it yelling "Hey! Wait for me!!!"

Let's just say life got shoved into hyper-drive in the matter of a few weeks. And I now know the meaning of ADULTHOOD......WORK. Yes, yes...it's what I do now. And it feels really good, but at the same time I definitely don't feel like a kid any more. I may not have my own place, but there are things that I go without now that used to be at the center of my life because I had the freedom to do pretty much whatever I wanted if it was outside of theatre and the classroom.

I now understand why the weekends are so precious to so many working individuals. You need it! To catch your breath, to relax your body and mind. To rejuvinate before Monday comes learing around the corner. I truly love my new job. I'm good at it (not to sound too proud). But I give all the glory to my Maker for giving me the brains to be an amazing multi-tasker, organizer, and number-cruncher! I never thought I would enjoy working in an office, but it's perfect for a person like me who needs constant mind stimulation. Acting was good emotional stimulation, but now that I have God and Paulie, I've gotten that taken care of. I never had to use my thinking skills, my mind, my brain to dive into acting. I mean, yes, I had to use my mind pychologically. It was challenging emotionally, but it was never really the REAL mental challenge (not mentally challenged, lol...mental challenge...one that can be overcome...lol) I needed. I haven't had to use these math, communication, and organizational skills since I was in high school. College was stressful only because I was never stimulating my whole mind and never pushed it to where I know it could go because of how God made me.

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be "when I grow up" (professionally speaking), but I do know I'm called to be a servant of God, a strong and compassionate wife, and a loving mother. And it looks like I'm headed down the right path so far. :) I love being Paul's fiance. I couldn't ask for a better title (well, until 'wife' comes along in 8 months...). I love him with all of my heart and love sharing my life experiences with someone so precious and amazing like Paul.

I also don't know if/when I will go back to theatre. I'm still performing all the time at church. Singing in the youth band and performing as "POW" the superhero bible character (lol...never thought I would ever say that word combonation) for the children's ministry. It's more fulfilling than any of those characters I have played in the past because I'm impacting children's lives and their walk with God. What could be more meaningful than that? Definitely better than cussing someone out or stripping on stage. Drenched with pride and arrogance and confused out of my mind as to what is right and wrong. Wondering why I didn't get the part because "I'm so much prettier and talented than her!" My goodness have I come a long way from that life. Thank God that He loves me enough to not let me stay the same and to constantly change me.

Anyway, I guess I was feeling in a writing mood today. I just wanted to reflect a little bit on how far I've come.

I'm full of the fruits of the Spirit today as I remember what today is. Our Savior died for us on this Good Friday and He is Risen and we get to celebrate it all this weekend! Praise the Lord! I feel so loved. Warm and fuzziness. :)

I hope you all have a beautiful Easter weekend!

Peace & Love.

It's all coming together...FINALLY!

2009-03-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm finally a working woman! Praise God! The job is challenging and I feel like I'm being used to my fullest potential. Now I'm just waiting to get even better at it and eventually become full-time and get benefits! But I'm not gonna get too ahead of myself. Just enjoying what I have for now. And I'm so happy to be busy during the day.

Monday-Thursday I wake up at 5am and on Fridays I get to sleep until about 9ish, which is a blessing. But, I'm definitely staying busy at all times. I'm paying off debts left and right and obediently tything. It's a good feeling to not be financially drowning and also being able to take care of your family. Paying bills for other people is the reason God blesses His children with money. *Sigh* Things just feel really awesome right now. I honestly don't have anything to complain about. My Heavenly Father has been taking care of me. I feel so full of joy and peace.

Good things:

I love my new job. I make phone calls to insurance companies to verify their benefits and eligibility. I also call patients to discuss payment and set up appointments and whatnot. I really enjoy the challenges that come every day.

Paul and I have been enjoying 5 months together! :) It's funny because we've been engaged longer than we dated! LOL. OH well, we're in love! Wedding planning is coming along. Booked our reception hall, signing the contract soon. Gonna go sample wedding cakes next weekend. Seriously need to go looking for wedding dresses soon. Gotta find time to do that! I'm not freaking out yet...still got about 8 more months. I'll find it soon.

Well, I'm making some SAVE-THE-DATE cards to mail out! Back to work!

Peace & Love.

I'm talking like a Wisconsin-ite! Ahhhh...

2009-03-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

I have completed 3 full days of training and have technically finished about a week and a half of training in just those 3 days! Apparently I'm catching on quick and they are about ready to turn me loose on my own. That's kinda cool. I'm learning so many new and interesting things about health insurance and different feet disabilities people deal with, especially when they get up there in age. We had this lady come in that was in her 90s. What a sweet old lady! She just wanted someone to talk to...I could tell. She probably lives alone and doesn't get out much accept for when she has her appointments. But gosh darn it, even at 90, she's still driving and making it on time for those appointments. God love her. I'm excited for that part of my job. Just being a listening ear to those who need it. :)

So I'm here in Milwaukee until Friday and have 2 more days left of training here. Next week I'll train in St. Louis and learn more and more of what I dove into this week. I'm excited to be able to handle the office on my own. It's SO much more than answering phones! It's nuts how much math I actually have to do for this job. So much new terminology to understand and memorize! But it's good to expand your mind and learn new stuff.

Tonight Paul and I checked some more things off of our wedding planning list. We moved the date back to December (per our pastor's request) and Paulie found a reception hall about 10 minutes from the church! The bonus is that we get a MAJOR discount since my Gpa is a member of the American Legion so we barely have to pay anything for the hall. Favor! We fixed our registries at Walmart and Target and figured out how to update them. I'm sure we'll do that often as time goes by. Paulie cancelled the Kohls registry since I didn't really like what we had registered for there (we were in a hurry I think). I'm thinking about registering us for JcPenney's instead. I've always liked their home decor stuff. More options I think.

On a side note, I wanted to say a little something about how important prayer is. I never realized how much prayer can change things/people/situations. I was so happy to hear about Danielle and Jordan's breakthrough yesterday. I was praying for them so much because I know there are so many people struggling right now with jobs because of this economy. But our God provides and takes care of His kids! :) Praise God! I also saw the impact of prayer on my own life: getting my voice back just in time to record the album for Innerlight. The enemy surely didn't want me to be any part of praising God, especially if it was going to be distributed to the youth of this generation! But ha! God moved that mountain and turned that situation around! The infection is totally gone and I feel so much better than I did last week. I also have been able to pay off all my credit cards and start working on my student loan debt. Not to mention being able to buy (paid in full) a brand new car. I'm definitely not hurting financially, which is probably the first time I have ever been able to say that in my life. Praise Jesus! Just keep praying and tything and believing in a breakthrough. It will happen for you too! Your breakthrough is on it's way in the name of Jesus!

Ahhh...good things, good things. So many good things!

I'll be back Friday night and CANNOT wait to see my baby. Sitting alone in a hotel room for 5 nights really isn't fun. Especially when you have to sleep in a big ol' King-sized bed alone and are aching for a cuddle-buddy. Oh well. Soon enough I'll be home where I belong. Hopefully this Northern Dialect won't stick because I find myself going in and out of the "don't cha know" and "do-dad" talk. Seriously, they say things like that. Who says "do-dads?" LOL. Silly Wisconsin. Silly silly silly. Thankfully Miss Ana is keeping me busy with our video calls on Skype (my screenname is emily.rose85 if you wanna add me). I had a good time catching up with her for 2 hours. It's so much better being able to talk to her AND see her face! :) And a lovely face at that! Love you deary.

Anyhoo...almost 9pm. Time for my nightly call to Paulie. Free calls are the best kinds! :)

Peace & Love.

Times they are a-changin'...

2009-03-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

So I had my orientation yesterday at my new job. I have no idea what I'm going to be doing yet, but I'll find that out soon at training. I'm going to be learning something completely out of my element. Which I think is good for me. You should always continue to learn more, continue to grow. Expand your horizons, ya know.

Got my sunroof put it, and today is a wonderful to day to have it open but I'm currently nannying and won't be able to do so until about 6ish. Oh well, I've got plenty more sunny days to enjoy in the future!

I've been getting a lot of new things lately. New wardrobe: shoes, pants, shirts, jewlery, etc. And new music to jam to. I'm typing this blog on my new laptop. It was a good deal at Best Buy. It's a Toshiba and it has a webcam installed. I signed up for a Skype account so me and Miss Ana can chat! :) That's cool beans! Oh yeah, new hair do!

Hmm...what else is new with me? Um, oh yeah! I started losing my voice Sunday night and by Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday it was completely gone. Yesterday was the first day I could speak instead of whisper and now I can actually hit notes when I sing! I thank you all for the prayers. I could tell that the good Lord was working His wonders on me. I'll be able to record the album with "Innerlight" tomorrow and make beautiful music with my baby! I'm singing vocals on one of the songs he wrote for the band. We're gonna record some more tunes as well to be able to compile into a CD for Cry Out at Faith Church St. Louis. Check out the Cry Out Myspace Page for details of the event....you should come! http://www.myspace.com/cryoutonline

I leave for Milwaukee on Sunday. I'll stay up to date on here because I'm sure I'll be bored in the hotel all alone and can't call Paulie until 9pm. Ugh. He's gonna be out of town as well so it kind of worked out in a way. We'll be so happy to see each other Friday night it won't even be funny. Nah, it probably will be funny cuz we act pretty goofy when we're around each other. :)

Oh, wedding stuff:

New date...earlier than expected. September instead of December.

We registered for gifts! We're registered at Target, Walmart, and Kohls. That made so much stuff real for us. Shopping for our home...it was special. :)

Still haven't shopped for my dress. Need to do that. SOON!

Secured the reception hall.

Pretty much found a photographer.

Finalizing guest list tonight.

Writing the invitation wording tonight.

Ah...almost there! :)

Anyway, back to looking up honeymoon stuff.

Peace & Love.

This whole living-one-day-at-a-time-thing is kinda nice!

2009-03-05T22:19:00.000-08:00

So as a request from a dear friend from faraway...I'm updating my blog! :)

Life has been utter polka dots and moonbeams. I fall in love with Paul more and more every day, I'm growing deeper in my faith, and I'm being showered with blessings everywhere I turn! New car, new designer purse, ultra-clean room, good times goofing around with my fiance in the church parking lot....you know, the usual.

My unemployment is coming to an end as I start my new job on the 16th! I'm so excited to do something more than clean my room and surf the internet during the day!

I've been anticipating our marriage more than usual lately. I started looking at things for our home and we also made a pre-registry list so it'll be easier for us to look for things when we actually register for our wedding. That made things more real. :) I even drew sketches of the layout of our bedroom and living room...I know, I'm a dork. I'm just REALLY excited. Seriously. I've always wanted this and everyday I can't believe I finally have it. I don't mean to go on and on about how wonderful he is, but if anyone knows me, you know he's the perfect person for me when I tell you that he writes me love letters on an almost weekly basis. Doesn't have to be a holiday or month-versary...he just loves telling me how much I mean to him. The most recent one said "You are more beautiful than the sunset over the ocean and more graceful than an angel in heaven." I know, I know...sappy stuff, but I LOVE IT! :) There's just something about someone looking at you in the eyes and brushing the hair out of your face and telling you how gorgeous you are or how you are the "best girl in the whole world." It never gets old...NEVER. It makes my heart smile every time I hear him say it.

The hardest part of our relationship is the distance between our houses. We're 45 minutes away, which isn't terrible, but it's definitely not easy on the mileage for our cars. And he can't be home too late so he has to always leave an hour early to make it home on time. So that definitely cuts into cuddle-time. We said that when we're married we won't take holding each other while we sleep for grant it because of the months and months of not having that. It'll all be worth the wait. Every minute of it!

If you can't tell, he's on my mind....A LOT. But I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. He's my gift from God and I will forever be thankful. Aside from Paul, I've been thinking about my career path a lot. God's sending me signs and leading me to where He wants me. Right now, I'll be a receptionist. Learn the ropes of an office. Probably for a few years until Paul gets done with school. Then we'll see where God needs me. It's not about me anyway. I've got the man of my dreams...I'm sure He'll be able to pull some strings for me financially and bring me something that I enjoy doing and am good at. Acting remains in my life, but only to glorify God and to help teach His people more about Him. Other than that, I really don't think I need to continue pursuing fame or recogntion for my talents. That only led to pride anyway and a huge ego. I've gotten enough applause over the years...I know what it sounds like. And it's funny because God's applause is so much better than tens of thousands of people. "Well done, thy good and faithful servant." I want to hear that more than anything else. I want to know I used my life to change others' lives. They aren't my talents to begin with...I didn't make them. I didn't create me. Why would I take ownership of something I didn't create? So I'll listen to what He's telling me and keep living my life one day at a time.

Have a blessed weekend!

Peace & Love.

May God's Blessings continue to flow!!!

2009-02-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

Things have really started to pick up speed in the last few days.

First off, I got the job! Thank you Jesus!!!! I will be managing the office at National Pedorthic Services in Creve Cour, MO. Nice pay and awesome benefits! I fly out to Milwaukee on the 15th to the corporate office for a week of training and then come back to StL for another week of training. I feel so professional to have a business trip for my job! :) And the amazing thing about this trip is that it is only 40 minutes away from Chicago...and I'm flying out on my friend Jenn's birthday so I'll get to see her when she turns the big 25! How perfect His timing is!

Next, a lot more wedding stuff is falling into place. And at a very uncostly way! :) Always good! My mom, Paul's mom, and a couple of my girls are gonna go looking for wedding dresses next weekend...can't wait to try them on! :) December will be here before I know it!

And last, but not least, I get my first ever brand NEW car (no miles, never ever touched before, no one else's butt ever in the seat) tonight after work...actually in a couple hours. I'll post some real pictures later, but here is the stock photo of it on the Hyundai website:

I'll most definitely have to prominently display my engagement ring when driving this sexy beast! Ow ow!

Everything is just working out. It's been a rough past few months, but the dawn is finally here! Paul and I are stronger than ever and enjoy every moment we get to spend together (which is rare outside of church funcitions Sunday-Thursday). We never take a millo-second for grant it. We had such a great time last night goofing around at White Castle after youth. I giggled and laughed so hard, I snorted.

I love that he's a big ol' dork like me! He'll let me pose him just to get a laugh. :) He's my favorite.

Anyway, life is good. Getting better every day. Things are new and different, not like the past several years of my life at all, but I'm really enjoying this new chapter. It's fun and very spontaneous.

I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed weekend. Relax and enjoy life!

Peace & Love.

"Close the door, Emily."

2009-02-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

"If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. They must be willing even to give up their lives to follow me.” Matthew 16:24

Yesterday was a day for enlightment from my heavenly Father...chapter 4, I think. Chapter 1 was "Don't Move to LA!" Chapter 2 was "Pursue Your Dream as a Wife." Chapter 3 was "Become a Teacher." But I seemed to misinterpret Chapter 3, I think. I figured that meant "go back to school, get certified to teach speech/theatre, Emily." But that was easy way to become a teacher for the world, not the Lord. Last night I was wrestling with the concept of where theatre fit into my life...the NEW chapter of my life. I realized that when I used to perform (outside of church), I became selfish, prideful, and overly-confident. Getting cast or receiving the compliments and good reviews made me feel good about myself. I always wanted more, but never felt satisfied. When theatre became the center of my life, I pushed God further and further away from my mind. I couldn't see myself teaching other students to seek that kind of self-centeredness and prideful existence. So I thought, "hmm...teaching English suits me better!"

But as I woke up this morning, I had this weird feeling in my stomach about going back to school for another 2 years. "More stress and more debt," I heard. I know that God doesn't want us to get further into debt because He's helping us get out of it by sending me this inheritence. For Paul and I to fiancially work this out, I'd have to work 9-5 and go to school at night until probably 11pm and not get home until midnight and very rarely get to see him or spend time with him at our 2nd home, Faith Church St. Louis. That doesn't sound like God's plan for me at all! So I think this new "enlightened chapter" goes likes this... Chapter 4: "Grow Deeper to Guide My Sheep." I am feeling pulled to teach for the Lord....as a leader in my church's ministry. I don't know how crazy that sounds to people who knew me or know me.

Your dominant gifts are Pastor/Shepherd, Showing Mercy, Administration

The results of your Spiritual Gifts Inventory indicate that your number one dominant gift is PASTORING/SHEPHERDING! The Greek word "poimen" means pastor. In Paul's spiritual gifts listing in Ephesians 4:11, this term is translated "pastor." Although the word "poimen" is translated pastor only one time in Scripture it is used sixteen additional times. The remaining sixteen are all translated "shepherd." Therefore, we are actually discussing the GIFT of shepherding, not the POSITION of pastor. Though a good pastor must have the gift of shepherding, everyone who has the gift of shepherding is not called to be pastor. The gift can be used in many positions in a church.
As a gifted shepherd, you have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by overseeing, training, and caring for the needs of a group of Christians. You are usually very patient, people-centered, and willing to spend time in prayer for others. You tend to be a "Jack of All and Master of ONE," meaning you are usually dominant in one of the speaking gifts (evangelist, prophet, teacher, exhorter) as well. You are often authoritative, more a leader than a follower, and expressive, composed, and sensitive. Your pleasing personality draws people to you.
You have a burden to see others learn and grow and are protective of those under your care. You want to present the whole Word of God and do not like to present the same materials more than once. You are willing to study what is necessary to feed your group and are more relationship oriented than task oriented. You are a peace-maker and diplomat - very tolerant of people's weaknesses. You tend to remember people's names and faces. You are more concerned with doing for others than others doing for you. You are faithful and devoted and may become a workaholic. You can become an all-purpose person in order to meet needs.
People with the gift of shepherding make the best Sunday school teachers and group leaders because their desire is to go beyond just teaching or leading, to shepherd and minister to the daily needs of their students. The position of Sunday school teacher or group leader is an extension of the pastoral ministry in the church. These groups should be shepherded on a small scale the same as the pastor shepherds the whole congregation on a large scale.
Be careful to involve other people; don't try to do it all yourself. Work on making people accountable. Do not be overly protective of your "flock." Because of these potentially weak areas, other people may think it is your job to do all the work; they rely too heavily on you. You may be expected to be available at all times, know all the answers, and be at every function. Learn when to say no.
Beware of Satan's attack on your gift. He will cause discouragement when the load gets heavy, and pride because your "sheep" look up to you. You may develop family problems because of too little time and attention. You may become selfish when "sheep" feed in other pastures.
HOW CAN YOU USE YOUR GIFT? This gift is a great help in many areas. You may serve as a Sunday school teacher, small group leader, pastor or assistant pastor, bus captain, special ministry leader (such as youth, children, men, etc.), nursery worker or as a half-way house or other type shelter volunteer. You may consider serving as a dormitory leader in a college, orphanage, children's home, etc. Scout troops would appreciate your assistance as a den leader.

I didn't make this decision based solely on this assessment. Actually, I took this assessment back in January when I still thought I was supposed to teach theatre. I took the assessment for my volunteer work at the church and I now realize that my passion for this ministry goes much deeper than just volunteering on Thursdays and Sundays. I want to be a shepardess for the rest of my life. I want to be a TEACHER for the Lord. Teach others about His Grace and Mercy.
I think when I chose God and His blessings along with that decision (Paul, new friends, an awesome church family, and a stronger relationship with my own family), my old involvement in theatre changed. I began to use my talents God blessed me with to praise Him, not myself. I sang for Him, danced for Him, and interpreted for Him through my acting skills. I've felt more accomplished using those gifts at Faith Church than any other place I've performed. And God isn't going to let my degree go to waste. I may have taken those matters into my own hands back in 2005, but He will use it for good. I believe I will continue to sing at Faith Church and praise Him, and I also believe I will eventually direct the dramas along with performing in them if they need me.

So I've never felt more at peace in my entire life. I know this new role I'm supposed to take on will not be happening right away. But I truly believe I will be in preparation for the next 2-3 years. I must grow deeper. I must learn more about God to eventually be able to tell others all about Him. I must learn more about His word. I must want to seek Him even when things get difficult. I believe this is going to be an amazing journey. And I'm ready for the ride!

Peace & Love.

Nothing I'd do would amount to anything without LOVE.

2009-02-19T07:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's interview went very well. The Dr. who owns the office is friends with my mom and text her right after the interview and said "I LOVE EMILY!!!" So, I don't know about you, but I think it's in my favor and I'll have a new job in no time! :)

As soon as I got home, I began to make a budget (I crunched so many numbers my brain hurt) and planned things for the wedding. Paul and I realized that we care more about our marriage moreso than the actual wedding, so we see no reason to spend $10,000 on one day. Don't get me wrong, I am really excited about the wedding and it's gonna be a beautiful and special day, but it's kinda dumb to drop thousands of dollars for a mere 9 hours. So we're going to get married at Faith Church in Fenton and we're gonna make everyone drive 45 minutes to New Baden for the reception (where it will cost us nothing for the American Legion because my Gpa is a member there and the food will be under $2,000 instead of a regular $4,500 with a catering company). The drive alone will thin out the crowd, I'm sure. The ones that love us will make the drive no matter what. My step-dad is friends with a local DJ company and my mom is going to make the bouquets because she's Miss Crafty. The only things we have to worry about are my dress and accessories, photographer, decorations for the hall, invitations, the cake, and the donation for pastor. And some little odds and ends for the ceremony: candles, tulle for the chairs, and rose petals. All the big stuff that would cost a ton isn't gonna cost much at all.

I'm excited for some new purchases that I'll be making in the coming weeks. I'm keeping a lot of it on the DL until it actually happens. Let's just say I'm getting some new things for the first time. I'm friggin excited...to put it simply. :)

Anyway, this week went by soooo quickly. I am excited for the weekend because I get to spend it with Paul before he leaves me for a week. *Sigh*

Have a wonderful weekend.

Peace & Love.

We live, We love, We Forgive, and Never Give Up!

2009-02-16T10:14:00.000-08:00

So Valentine's Day weekend was precious. That's about all I can call it! Friday Paul spent time with my step-dad working on his car and was at my house to greet me when I got off work at around 6pm. He told me he had a surprise for me and took me upstairs to propose to me all over again. :) I waited 5 and a half weeks to get my engagement ring back from getting it sized and now I can say that it's finally mine forever.

I gave him his Valentine's Day gift early that night so he could enjoy his silky heart boxers on Saturday. :) He laughed so hard because he's never had any fun boxers let alone SILKY ones.

My Saturday started off pretty early because Paul and I were going to make an entire day out of our first (and his first EVER) Valentine's Day. As I was getting all dolled up for my baby, my mom called me and told me that she was coming over to give me my Valentine's Day gift from her and Bob. My heart just smiled when she handed me a doll I used to have when I was a little girl. She found me a Ragedy Ann doll from Cracker Barrel in a basket complete with chocolate and a glass bottle of Coke. Perfectly precious! I actually used to have this exact doll when I was about 3 years old and used to dress up my cat in the doll's dress! Haha. I loved the doll's dress so much, my mom made me one to match! Aww...I just love walking down memory lane. This doll is very special to me and I will cherish it forever and hopefully make my little girl a dress just like it! :)

After I got all "pertied" up, I headed to Caseyville to meet up with Paulie and he gave me my wonderful gifts in the car. He had me close my eyes with every gift. I got 3 beautiful roses (my favorite because of the middle name of course...), chocolates with a pencil on the box (it reminded him of me because I'm gonna be a teacher someday), a beautifully hand-blown perfume bottle made in Egypt (I've never owned anything to fancy like it), and a giant, pink, plush, heart-shaped pillow that says "Princess" on the front. He calls me his princess and was so proud of himself for finding this adorable present. :) He's the best.

After he gave me my gifts, we headed out to West County to go rollerskating! I had such a wonderful time holding his hand and acting goofy with him at the skating rink. I was a big ol' dork and skated on actual roller-skates, not blades. I felt even more like a little girl because I used to rollerskate on quads when I was about 8 years old. It was SO much fun! :)

We headed back to his house in Arnold and I changed and did some touch-ups for our dinner at Olive Garden. Sadly, Fairview Heights was SO PACKED that we ended up at Steak N Shake. I really didn't care where we ended up eating because I just wanted to eat somewhere with Paul and not have to wait an hour and a half for a table. Plus, we were the fanciest looking couple in the joint. So that was nice. :)

After dinner, we drove back to New Baden to cuddle and watch Austin Powers while enjoying an amazing bottle of Sparkling Grape Juice in fancy champagne glasses. Paul handed me my glass and said, "See, we can still look fancy and not get drunk at the same time!" I honestly cannot wait for next year's Valentine's Day as we get to celebrate that day as a married couple. It's going to be even better!

Yesterday was also a great day as we took both of our parents out for lunch after church and they all met each other for the first time. It definitely made it more official. We truly are blessed. All in all, it was an absolutely wonderful weekend and I feel so loved and special.

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day and weekend. Have a blessed week!!!

Peace & Love.

299

2009-02-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

That's how many days we have left until we are married!!! I was just excited to see that it was no longer in the 300's. :)

In other news...

I had an interview at La Petite Academy in Glen Carbon, IL last week. It was a very last minute thing that popped up and I prepped for it in a very quick time. It lasted about an hour and 20 minutes, so I think that's a good sign. I should know by today or tomorrow if I'm the right one for the little Pre-K room. But, if that doesn't work out, I have another interview next Wednesday for that Dr.'s office. God knows which one I need, so I'm not growing too attached to either one. I just need a job to help keep my mind from wandering too much during the day.

I've realized how not many of my friends are in the same position that I've been in lately. Not many of them are preparing for marriage or are even close. It's an interesting adventure and I cannot compare it to anything I've ever gone through. I don't have many people to talk to about it besides those who are much older than me. I guess I've always been an old-soul and when it comes down to it, I love this new change in my life. If being engaged doesn't make you grow up just a little bit, I don't know what will. I no longer just think about how things are going to affect me, but how they are going to affect us. It's an interestingly new concept for me. :)

Simply, I've traded my career plans in for wedding plans. It's what I really wanted any way. I think the one reason I was so eager to make that move before was to be out on my own. I really do think that's it. I want a place to call home. I haven't had that in a REALLY long time. Sure, I have a place to lay my head down at night and I have a roof over my head, but it's not my roof and it's not even my bed. If I could just live outside my own 4 walls, I would so be giddy. Ya know, my own bathroom, kitchen, living room, and backyard. *sigh* I can't wait for all of that. And on top of all of that...my husband to be by my side always. My best friend to hold hands with as we walk around the park. Just soaking it all in. Living life.

It may not be as exciting or busy as LA, but it's home to me. That church is my home and when I'm with Paul, I'm at home. The career part of my life will be exciting, but I know I was made to be a mom and a wife. Call it boring or even mundane, if you want. But it's what I want. I was called to live the white-picket fence lifestyle. As much as I made fun of people who longed for that, I secretly wanted it to happen to me. And oddly enough, it is. :)

So here's to 299 more days of engagement. Time goes by so quickly...

As for right now...This is what I got.

2009-02-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

The prayers and the blessings
My man and my dreams
God Above and Faith fulfilled
You're all I got.

Eager to please, eager to achieve
Crazy in love, crazy about You
Questions of how and questions of when
You're all I got.

Not the same, inside or out
Frustrations and joy
2 wants and 2 dreams
And you're all I got.

Selishness and you
Battles from within
Wanting to change, wanting familiar faces
You're all I got.

--------------------------------------------------------

Reaching for a spotlight that's going dim
Being pulled in two different directions
My eyes are slowly closing on what used to be
And I'm learning to finally see and love

Yet I look to my left
And there you stand
Holding a single red rose
And a tear running down your cheek

You whisper, "I love you...I need you by my side...ALWAYS."
And I'm frozen where I stand
Do I run into the familiar arms of the stage?
Or do I choose the new path laid before me?

Can't I have both?
What's wrong with that?
Thought I was Superwoman
But I forgot that I'm NOT.

I gave up my cape long ago
I gave up that path
I put away childish things
To have this, To have YOU.

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry I made you cry
This is so new to me
I forgot what it means to live for someone else
And not be SELFISH.

I'll be here, by your side
Holding onto your hand
I promise I'm letting go
And I'm walking away from it all.

For all of you...

2009-02-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

You are who you are for a reason. By: Russell Kelfer

You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb.
You're just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

My heart's in a funny place right now.

2009-02-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever stared at your destiny right in the face? I did this weekend.

I would be in Los Angeles, CA today, but God intervined. My dear friend Ana moved there yesterday to pursue her dreams and I'm so proud of her.

I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help myself. I will miss her deeply.

May God keep her safe and full of peace and joy.

I was SUPPOSED to go with her. I was SUPPOSED to be an actress on the west coast. I was SUPPOSED to be single and an independent career woman. But like I said before, God intervined. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I just have a place in my heart that is soft and in awe of God's work in my life.

If you want to see evidence of change, read my blogs from early September. I"m continuously getting used to me. My mom understood probably more than anyone in my life when I came to her the other night with my confusion. "It was a fast change. It happened so quickly," she said. And it did. This wasn't years of work, this was a mere matter of months for my heart to change like it did. And I'm completely left with my mouth gaping open.

I'm not sad right now. I'm just longing to be held by my amazing fiance. When I'm away from him, all I can do is think of when we will be together again. You see, that was MY dream long before acting came into the picture. A dream of having a family. A dream of falling love with the man of my dreams. Praise God for making this dream a reality for me!

On the good news list this week:

***There is a possibility I might have a job soon! It's at an orthodic (they sell orthopedics for people's shoes and whatnot) Dr. office in St. Louis where I would be working as a receptionist there. Scheduling appointments, answering phones, and talking to other Dr. offices. Keep me in your prayers. This job would offer me benefits and great pay. AND I'd get to work with adults! Something I have no idea about.

I really just wanted something to keep me busy while I'm awaiting marriage. I'm usually busy at night, but during the day, I'm ready to go crazy. It's been 2 months of this. And I'm ready for a change of pace...PLEASE!

It's funny because the wedding is pretty much already planned. Just the matter of paying for things and buying things. But the money isn't just going to come as soon as I snap my fingers. It's still gonna take a little while. *sigh*

That's about it. Just taking it one day at a time and getting used to the changes that come.

Peace & Love.

Searching from the inside...

2009-01-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

So I've come to realize that I no longer can look to what I do to define who I am. I can't really claim to be an actress anymore. Because that would require me to work towards that identity every day. And frankly, I haven't done much to further my career in quite some time. It's not that I got lazy, I just had other things and experiences that became more important to me.

I guess above all, my time has been spent at Faith Church. And because of that lifestyle choice, I know more about what it means to be a Christian. I've totally submersed myself in the mentality of a Christian and the life-decisions and actions of a Christian. I know there is always more that I could do: read my Bible and pray for longer periods of time and stop criticizing how other Christians are doing on their walk. I want nothing more than to do good and help others.

I guess when nothing's wrong, I find myself (because of habit) looking for error, looking for lack. My finances could be better, but the money is on it's way. The perfect job is on it's way. I just need to do more about looking for it. Right now, I have 2 tutoring jobs and a nanny job on Fridays. It's enough to get me by. But I want to use more of my time to make an impact on someone's life.

*sigh*

Anyhoo. Life is at a good pace. Nothing sucking, nothing too crazy. I'm in love and enjoying each day.

Peace & Love.

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow...

2009-01-27T15:57:00.000-08:00

Brrrr....it's cold outside!

Although Paul and I haven't seen much of each other over the course of the past 2 days because of the blistery weather, I have gotten some down-time for myself and have been able to catch up on my wedding planning and researching. Thumbs up for snow days!

I applied for another job today. As a teacher for La Petite Academy in Glen Carbon. If it's meant to be, it will be...I'm in no rush. God blessed me with another tutoring job today. :) His timing is forever perfect. I get paid $15 an hour to sit with gradeschool kids and help them with my favorite subjects: English and Reading. It's a blast and the rewards are wonderful! I love it when I hear that my students Aced their Social Studies test or raised their English grade from a D to a B! It makes me feel like I'm really making a difference. I've never had that satisfaction with acting before. It's pretty cool.

I got some price quotes from catering and banquet centers today, called about my wedding dress, and took care of some student loan biz-nazz. A pretty productive day compared to most days since November. You betcha.

I guess being away from Paul for the first time in MONTHS gets to me from time to time. When the weather is crappy, Arnold, MO seems sooooo far away. I spend most of my time with him and share conversation after conversation with this man. He truly has become my best friend. I got a good deal out of this whole soul-mate thing. :) I guess these past 2 days away from him really allows for it all to sink in how much I love him and how much he means to me. Next Thursday marks 10 months until our wedding. Time goes by so fast, doesn't it?!

Well, that's all for now. Come watch Pastor Dave with me tonight at 7pm on Faith Church's website: http://www.faithchurchstlouis.com/secondary.php?pageid=26

Peace & Love.

Walking away from Self Admiration.

2009-01-23T13:13:00.000-08:00

Called to Someone versus Something TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman 01-23-2009
"But the Lord said to Ananias, 'Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name'" (Acts 9:15-16)."

"Sometimes we can place the idea of calling too much on the thing we do versus the One we are called to serve. Paul said that he was "called to be an apostle." This has made some feel that if we each do not have a "special call" then we are second class citizens. Paul saw his calling like any other believer's call to salvation and obedience. We cannot negate the fact that God did call Paul in a dramatic encounter with the Lord that had broad significance to the rest of the Body of Christ. And, there are assignments that are going to impact the Body of Christ more than others. However, this is not the case for every believer and we should not feel slighted should we not have the same level of call. Every believer shares the same basic calling with Paul, "as a bondservant of Jesus Christ, among whom you also are the called of Jesus Christ," as he says in (Romans 1:6). Paul was saying to the Roman Christians their call was the same as his. They were not all apostles, but they were all "called of Jesus Christ." For most of us, God will work out His calling upon our lives in many different and varied ways. Like Paul and the rest of the New Testament Christians, we are all called with the same glorious calling and thus stand as equals before God."

These past few days have been exhausting. I have gotten into 2 arguments of great measure this week and afterwards I was left emotionally and spiritually drained. And both times, it had everything to do with my pride. You see, for years I have enjoyed performing. It became the center of my universe. So much so that I did not think much about anything else. I used to call it passion, but in all actuality it was obsession. I became Emily Rose Mollet-THE ACTRESS. I made such a huge deal about it. I became what I did instead of who I was. This mindset has followed me into my Christian walk because for 5 years, it was all I knew. God, my family, and sometimes even my friends came second. Theatre was my everything and when something didn't go my way (I didn't get the solo, I didn't get the part that I wanted, I wasn't cast at all, etc), it crushed me. I had nothing else that I relied on.

Now, I have such an amazing relationship with God, my family, and my Fiance. I have love. I give love and I receive it. Something Theatre (performing) could never do for me. I could love it (or obsess over it) all that I wanted, but it would never love me back. At church I participate in 2 ministries because of the performance abilities that God has given me. And from time to time, I question what I should get out of it because for years and years, theatre was for my self-gratification. It was MY therapy. Sure, if it put a smile on an audience member's face, that would just be a bonus. And now I'm learning how to use my talents for the reason He gave them to me to begin with. The messages in the dramas I perform have brought tears to people's eyes, brought them closer to Jesus, and have helped turn their lives around. I get satisfaction because of that, not because I feel like a superstar and I love the spotlight. Honestly, for the first time, I really could care less about the spotlight. I really don't care if anyone even knows my name. I just want to praise the Lord and change people's lives.

Now onto my second ministry...the youth band. I love singing. More than a lot of things in life. But above all, I love singing now because I love to worship God. I love losing myself in worship and using my voice to sing God's praises. And it took me a little while to get used to being in the background. I'm not the lead singer. I'm not the leader in this band. And from time to time, my pride gets in the way and I fight to figure out why I can't lead a song. But before I am allowed that, God wants me to get my motives right. I cannot have the "oh, look at me!" mentality. I must become a humble servant.

So I realized that even though God has blessed me with my performance abilities and I love performing, it doesn't mean I have to make those things my world, my life. He wants me to use those skills to help Him bring others closer to Him. That's why we are here. To love each other. To show each other God's love. And I get the opportunity to sing and act to praise Him and show others His love and mercy. The world has taken these precious talents and gifts and has used them for evil. Have used them to turn people further away from God. Hollywood is saturated in sin. It is saturated in pain. It is saturated in confusion. Why do you think marriages don't work very well out there? Because that business requires actors to make it their lives. They work those people to the bone. Horribly long hours, weekends, months shooting away from home. Sure, if you are single, this lifestyle would keep you super busy and keep your mind from realizing that you are ridiculously lonely. But for those of us who want to find love (and seriously, who doesn't want that?), it's not the best way to keep a relationship or marriage working. It makes you wonder why so many celebrities have checked into rehabs or have committed suicide. It's probably not the best business to find true love or peace. And if you can't find those 2 things, what is the point of living? Seriously. That Oscar that you hold in your hand, those pictures of shows you were in, those DVDs of your performances will remain here on Earth when you die. Sure, people will talk about you and your talent. They'll talk about that one movie you were in that was "alright." But I want people to remember me for all the people I helped live a happier, loving, and peaceful life. For helping people avoid depression or suffering.

So why are you here? How are you using your gifts He has given you? Don't just use them for your own pleasure or gain. Spread that love and joy.

Peace & Love.

Sweet sleep I ask of you...sweet sleep He gives unto me.

2009-01-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

From Vive Alive (http://vivealive.blogspot.com/2008/11/sweet-sleep.html)

"The 2002 National Sleep Foundation (NSF) Sleep in America poll found that 74 percent of American adults are experiencing a sleeping problem a few nights a week or more, 39% get less than seven hours of sleep each weeknight.I wonder what is the statistics like for my nation especially with the current economic turmoil. Worry is definitely one of the reason for causing sleep disorder but there are other reasons that add to this condition.Good sleep is a basic necessity of life, as important to our health and well-being as air, food and water. When we sleep well, we wake up feeling refreshed, alert and ready to face daily challenges. When we don't, every part of our lives can suffer. Our jobs, relationships, productivity, health and safety are all put at risk. And lack of sleep due to sleep loss or sleep disorders is taking a serious toll. Proverbs 3:24 says "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." The Lord provides a way for us to have sweet sleep. Psalms 3:5 says "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me".In order for us to have a sweet sleep, the Bible gives us a little instruction in Psalms 4:4 that says "...when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent." How do we search our heart and be silent? I believe strongly this is a call for a time of devotion and prayer before sleep. Surrendering our worries, our cares and our troubles at the feet of Jesus will help us to have sweet sleep. Psalms 4:8 continues to elaborate on the outcome. The Psalmist says "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

These bible verses are what have been the center of my life these past few nights. I didn't realize how much I would have to profess them on a nightly basis to rest up completely or even feel safe to close my eyes. You see, since my dad's death, I have been having these HORRIBLE nightmares where I wake up screaming and sweating profusely. You know, the kind of nightmares you used to have when you were a kid. These were bad. Not only scary, but emotionally draining and painful. And not only during the dream, but after I woke up. For the past 3 nights, I have been terrified to go back to sleep or even sit up in my room alone at night. I started to hear things and even see things in the corner of my eye. I realized that I was giving way to fear and letting that affect my faith in a bad way. "Fear tolerated is Faith contaminated," says Pastor Dave. I wanted sweet sleep; a sleep that never was broken throughout the night and a sleep that allowed me to wake up in the morning and not at 1:30pm. I hadn't had sweet sleep in quite some time and I was letting my mind play terrible tricks on me. I would not stand for it any longer. I've come too far to let my faith be shaken like this.

So last night, I prayed not only at church about having sweet sleep, but before I went to bed. I declared to the enemy that "I would NOT allow my mind to control me and that I would have SWEET SLEEP in the name of JESUS." And I'm here to tell you that I did not awake one time, and even though I may have had an odd dream, it did not shake my faith. I fought that nightmare and my mind. And I had God on my side. He would not allow his child, his daughter, be awoken by any torment the enemy wanted to throw her way. I woke up well rested this morning at 9:30 and I am ready to start my day, praise God.

I guess I just wanted to share a story of my fight of faith. I realized last night that I never had a problem before with any of this because I was never a worry or problem to the enemy. I was never fully on God's side. I had one foot in and one foot out for many years...maybe even my whole life. Now, with my full armor of God on, I'm a threat to the enemy. I'm serving, helping people, loving life, and telling others about God. And the enemy hates my guts. I know that I have to work that much harder every day to strengthen my relationship with God because sometimes I feel the pull in the other direction. I don't pray as much as I should, I don't read my Bible as much as I should, and it hasn't came easy to me yet. I'm still learning how to do this whole-heartedly. I come to church all the time and I'm a part of the youth band and drama team, but it's so much more than that. You have to put your whole self into it. You have to die to this world completely and become God's "good and faithful servant." That means, I need to talk to Him all the time. And I'm going to be honest with you, it hasn't been easy for me. But I'm working on it.

I hope you all have a blessed week.

Peace & Love.

i'M sooooo ExCiTeD!!!!!

2009-01-08T09:20:00.000-08:00

So, I got up before 1pm today...I even got up before 10am today! I know, I know...that's sad that I have to rejoice about that, but I have been sleeping an awful lot since November. And it's not healthy to spend that much time in bed. I am not a lazy person. So no more sleeping in. The end.

So why am I so excited, you ask?

I found the most beautiful song EVER and I'm going to sing it to Paul at our wedding reception. It's suitable for the reception, after the wedding ceremoney, because it talks about being man and wife. During the ceremony, we obviously aren't married yet, so it wouldn't make much sense. Paul's little bro Keith (also his best man in the wedding) plays the guitar and I found the guitar tabs online, so I'm gonna see if he can play it on acoustic. I'm not sure if he ever plays on the acoustic, but we've got about 11 months to pull it together. I'm soooo excited to get a chance to sing to him. I've always wanted to sing to my husband at our wedding. Always. I'd always joke around and think about breaking out in Linda Ronstandt's "Somewhere Out There" but this one is gonna be a serious song sung by Emily. It was featured on One Tree Hill, which is kinda funny in itself, but most of those shows feature really great music. It's a really awesome folkish/acoustic sounding song, which is my fave kind of song. I'm gonna keep it on the DL for a little while until it gets closer to the wedding and hopefully someone will record it on our wedding day and I can post it on here or on youtube or something. I seriously started singing it this morning, looking at his picture and my eyes started welling up really bad. I'm sure if I'm standing right by him, looking to his eyes, after we have just gotten married, I'm gonna be hanging on by a string trying to get through it.

As far as wedding planning goes, we are checking so many things off of our list left and right. We talked to Pastor last night (after our marriage bible study at church, which was a blast!) and he of course agreed to marry us. So now we have a minister and a church! Awesome! We have narrowed down our search for a vocalist, reception hall/caterer, bakery, invitations, color scheme, my wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, flower girl basket and dress, center piece ideas, and hopefully a photographer (a friend of a friend). If you can't tell, the wedding is pretty much planned. I even found the wedding band I'd like to get him that matches mine pretty well with the white and yellow gold. I knew it wouldn't take us long, especially when I've been planning this thing since I was about 5 years old. Every girl dreams of her wedding. Barbie role-playing and all.

Anyway, I'm having a blessed day and I hope you are too! It was so lovely to wake up to the sun shining through my windows this morning...that hasn't happened in awhile. Maybe that is why I've been in the mood I have been in lately...the weather....who knows. Life is wonderful. The end.

Peace & Love my lovelies. :)

Could this explain your life?

2009-01-05T10:55:00.000-08:00

Margin or Marginless? by Rick Warren

"God, listen to me shout, bend an ear to my prayer… You’ve always given me breathing room, a place to get away from it all." Psalm 61:1, 3 (MSG)

A lot of people are on overload and headed for a crash.

Consider these statistics:

*People now sleep 2½ fewer hours each night than people did a hundred years ago.

*The average work week is longer now than it was in the 1960s. · The average office worker has 36 hours of work piled up on his or her desk. It takes us three hours a week just to sort through it and find what we need.

*We spend eight months of our lives opening junk mail, two years of our lives playing phone tag with people, and five years waiting for people who are late for meetings.

At least in the U.S., we’re a piled-on, stretched-to-the limit society that is chronically rushed, chronically late, and chronically exhausted. Many of us feel like Job did when he said, “I have no peace! I have no quiet! I have no rest! And trouble keeps coming” (Job 3:26 GWT). Overload comes when we have too much activity in our lives, too much change, too many choices, too much work, too much debt, too much media exposure.

We’re stressed by information overload; we’re stressed by accessibility overload – we’re connected all the time. Simply put, we’re stressed by the pace of life. Is there a solution? Yes. The solution is to put some margin into your life. Margin is breathing room. It’s keeping a little reserve that you’re not using up. It’s not going from one meeting to the next to the next with no space in between. Margin is the space betweenyour load and yourlimit. But most of us are far more overloaded than we can handle, and there is no margin for error in our lives.

Dr. Richard Swenson, MD says this: “The conditions of modern day living devour margin. If you’re homeless we direct you to a shelter. If you’re penniless we offer you food stamps. If you’re breathless we connect you to oxygen. But if you’re marginless we give you one more thing to do. Marginless is being 30 minutes late to the doctor’s office because you were 20 minutes late getting out of the hairdresser because you were 10 minutes late dropping the children off at school because the car ran out of gas two blocks from a gas station and you forgot your purse. That’s marginless

Margin, on the other hand, is having breath at the top of the staircase, money at the end of the month, and sanity left over at the end of adolescence. Margin is grandma taking the baby for the afternoon. Margin is having a friend help carry the burden. Marginless is not having time to finish the book you’re reading on stress. Margin is having the time to read it twice. Marginless is our culture. Margin is counter-culture, having some space in your life and schedule. Marginless is the disease of our decade and margin is the cure.

I got done reading this and the one thing that stuck out to me what the definition of margin in adolesence..."[having enough] sanity left over." I think that was my problem right from the get-go. I was doomed from the minute I started college. It's sad, but true. I didn't have any sanity left because of my marginless lifestyle. Meeting after meeting, rehearsal after rehearsal, project after project, and class after class. It's taken these past 6 months for me to regain those years and years of lost time. Lost time wasted on worrying and panic and hurried tendancies. I still battle anxiety/panic attacks and stress because I'm a perfectionist and I'm a goal-oriented person who wants to make sure her goals are acheived at every nano-second of the day. But because my life-pace slowed down, I HAD TO learn how to slow down my body and mind. This helped reduce my frequent stress attacks and it has been such a blessing to my life.

Pastor Dave's message really hit home last night. First and foremost, he told us to "quite whining and crying and SHUT UP!" We get so wrapped up in what's going on in the natural around us that we completely forget what God is doing SUPERnaturally inside of us. "Change isn't change until you've CHANGED!"Pastor shouted. And if anyone knows me even a little bit, they'd notice that I have changed and that my life is huge evidence of that. Yesterday celebrated 6 months that I have been attending Faith Church. And in those 6 months, I have grown by leaps and bounds. If I could even explain to you how whole I feel, how fulfilled I have become since attending this church, you'd think I won the lottery. And it's funny because I have won the lottery...not in the world's system, but in God's. I learned how to listen to Him and my life is proof of that. In the 6 months I've been there, I have strengthened my relationship with my family, grown deeper in my faith in ways I didn't know were possible, forgiven so many people from my past who've hurt me, let go of terrible habits, overcame the most terrifying, emotionally-filled month of my life, found my purpose in the world, fell in love, got ENGAGED, and truly learned the meaning of obedient tything...which I believe, with all of my heart, lead to my amazing sum of inheritence. And that part is going swimmingly...it's just the matter of a few weeks that I will be completely free of debt to anyone and will be able to pay in FULL my wedding expenses. I will be able to pay CASH for everything...no credit cards! Yes, that came with a price. I had to lose my dad to a terrible act of violence, but as always, God turned something horrible into something wonderful. All in his timing.

So I guess what this entry is about may not fully pertain to you, but I'm sure you can find some meaning in it if you look closely.

SLOW DOWN. Take the time to acknowledge your creator. Do you think you just popped into thin air? Even if you believe in evolution...who do you think sparked anything to happen on this Earth to begin with? You were created by someone bigger than you. Let that sink in for a minute. Even if you aren't religious, know that life is bigger than little old you. Take time to smell the crisp winter air or truly look at your surroundings. Give yourself a break every now and then. You'd be suprised at how well you get to know yourself when you take just a little time for breathing room.

Peace & Love.

Best Christmas EVER!!!

2008-12-26T07:07:00.003-08:00

I figured I would post something about Christmas 2008 very quickly before I go head out with my new FIANCE!!!! :)

Yeah, that's my hand and I have a huge rock on my finger!!! :) Paul proposed to me on Christmas and it couldn't have been more special or perfect. It was simple, romantic, and totally him. No fancy restaurant, no audience, no photographer capturing the moment. Just me and him up in my room, listening to our song When God Made You (lyrics at http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/newsong/when_god_made_you.html), opening up 1 last Christmas present from him. "It's just something extra, something small, not a big deal Emily. I just wanted to get you something else because I love you so much." So I opened up this small box the size of half a shoe box and wondered what this gift could be. Little did I know that the gift would be a new fiance and that Paul would be getting down on one knee all teary-eyed and completely open about how he feels about me. And of course I got all teary-eyed, then laughed uncontrollably and said YES! We'll be getting married December 5th, 2009. The exact same date 2 years ago that I wrote him this poem:

To You, My Soul-Mate
It's almost 1am on a cold, early winter’s night.
I can’t seem to fall asleep
Because I’m thinking of you.
You see, we haven’t met yet,
At least I don’t think we have.
I’m praying that you aren’t lonely
Because somewhere I am thinking of you.
I just wanted to let you know
That it won’t always be this way.
You are worth all of this alone time.
God has placed an image of you in my heart.
You will be there until the day we finally meet.
And on that day, I’ll know it’s you.
There won’t be a doubt in my mind or heart.
I’ll know when it’s finally you.
I knew you existed;
I just needed to wait in God’s time.
You are everything I’ve hoped for.
Sweet dreams, my love.
Sweet dreams.
12/5/07

God's timing is just perfect. I couldn't plan any of this better. And the good news is I didn't have to! It doesn't matter how long you know someone before any of this happens. When you know, you just KNOW. It's that gut feeling that God sends you in your spirit when you know something is right. And this relationship was completely God's idea and He managed to keep me from moving to Los Angeles just so I would meet Paul, fall in love with him, and eventually get married all within 1 year. That was GOD'S PLAN. And I know we are completely ecstatic about it all! He was so adorable as he called all of his friends and family, just giggling and smiling from ear to ear. "We're engaged, Em...you are my FIANCE!"

How can I even explain to you how ah-mazing all of this is?! I had no idea that he would propose this soon. I figured it would be another few months longer just so people didn't think he was crazy. But we both finally realized that it doesn't really matter what other people think about it. If they love us, they will know just as we know that it is real. And it is. I couldn't think of any other person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I love him with all of my heart and I am so excited to start planning this wedding!!! Yay!!!

This truly was the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!

Something has changed within me...something is not the same...

2008-12-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

Yeah...I'm a dork for quoting Wicked, so what?

But I honestly feel like those lyrics truly describe what's been happening to me. So much has changed since May, I can't fully grasp it or explain it to others who are just as confused as me. I can state the obvious, the things that we all can see (new relationship, less time with friends, more time at church, change of career plans, etc), but it goes much deeper than that. I've found myself not caring about the things that I used to care about and I'm questioning if it is good or bad for me to begin with. Not drinking? Yes, that's good that I don't do that anymore. Going to church 3 or 4 times a week? Yes, that's good that I spend more time worshipping the Lord and growing deeper in my faith. Falling in love? Yes, it's amazing that I've found the man of my dreams and I'm madly in love with him. You starting to get the picture? A lot of the things in my life have changed for the better, but I still feel like I'm falling short in life. The things that used to excite me, don't anymore. And the things that excite me are so new that it weirds me out that I love it so much.

I used to have passion for my art form, Theatre. I still love it, but I'd much rather spend time cuddling with Paul and laughing until my face hurts. Is that falling short? Ugh. No...it's just different. I'm different. And I wake up trying to get used to myself. Is that weird? My dad's death has REALLY shaken me. But no one would be able to tell (not even myself) because I keep putting one foot in front of the other, mechanically getting through it all somehow. I don't think anyone can heal from something like this so quickly that they completely act like it never happened. First off, that's denial and I'm not there. I just wonder if there comes a time in life where it will seem so distant that I can only look at my life with him in a good light. Right now I'm wanting that to happen, but I can't seem to get there just yet. I guess I put too much pressure on myself. It HAS only been a month.

I have to ask...can you stop depression when you feel it coming on? Can you make yourself not dive into the 1 thing that brings you so much joy but hurts your relationship with God? When somethings broken, one must go to God to fix it even if you cannot see Him or audibly hear Him. It is SO easy for me to run to Paul instead because he's physically there and I can SEE him, HEAR him, and TOUCH him. You can experience God in those ways too, but most of the time they are manifestations of him: signs, angels, guidance from His words. I feel like I'm giving myself advice right now by playing the devil's advocate. I know what to do, it's just the matter of following through with it!

I just feel numb when Paul isn't here. And I KNOW that isn't good for me. I must feel joyful no matter where I am, no matter if he is around me or not! Paul doesn't bring me joy. That joy must come from God first and He then spreads it by sending His people.

Ugh...I'm just in a weird low. Which isn't good around the Holidays. But I guess when you have something as odd as your dad being murdered, things are gonna be a little hard.

Oh well...I must keep my chin up and keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

16 Things about me (copied from my facebook account)...

2008-12-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

1. I am completely undergoing the biggest transition of my entire life. I still feel like I need to be taking finals this week or drinking myself into a stuper with various kinds of energy drinks to stay awake to write those friggin papers! If that isn't enough, dealing with losing a loved one is never easy, especially if your relationship with them wasn't the warmest kind. Or how about understanding for the first time that you don't want to pursue life head-on as an actress (because you want a husband and 2 children) but as a teacher who acts on the side? Yeah, I'm still getting used to that one...

2. I'm inheriting an ungodly amount of money because of my dad's life insurance in the next few months which will help me BUY my first home before the age of 25. Most likely will get a car, new computer, furniture, clothes (can't wait to just buy myself some new jeans and undies), and pay for my wedding. Yeah, for a girl who had to steal food from her roommates just to get through college, this is kind of a big deal.

3. For the past 3 years, I saw myself living my life in LA or NY as a single, iindependent actress and not finding my soul-mate until my late 20's or early 30's because my career came first. Now I will be married in a year (proposal is probably coming before March, but we already have a date set for the wedding) and living in a house somewhere in St. Louis County completely and utterly in love with the man of my dreams and glorifying God at the age of 23 and completely and utterly exstatic about that.

4. I still sleep with a silky pillow case around my neck that I've had since I was born. I call it my "case."

5. I have moved my belongings from various places a total of 12 times from the time I was born until a month ago. Maybe that's why I want something consistent and steady like a husband, children, house, and career as a teacher...as far as I know no matter how terrible the economy gets, that job isn't going anywhere. Thinking about pursuing a career in acting makes me ask this question: How many people can afford entertainment in times like these? Honestly.

6. I grew up (Catholic) knowing that God existed, but until very recently(going to a non-denominational church), truly understood what it means to have a relationship with Him. I wake up every day praising His name for what He has given me. No matter what, He has used it all for good.

7. I feel myself growing distant with a lot of people in my life and I don't know how to explain to them how much I love them and feel terrible that I haven't been around much lately. When God sends you your soul-mate, it's really difficult to not want anything else. I'm trying my best to find a balance with it all. It will all work out, I promise.

8. I made a committment to God, myself, and Paul to save myself until marriage. I have become a "born-again virgin." I feel more like the Emily I remember before I met Nathan and I have more respect for her. Our wedding night will be fantastic! :)

9. I have watched alcohol tear a part my family since I was 4 years old. I have vivid memories of my dad coming home wasted and fighting with my mother. My grandma has lost a husband, 2 sons, and a son-in-law to alcohol and I don't want it in my life any longer. Although I have never seriously hurt myself or had it get terribly out of hand, I don't want to chance it. There were times where I shouldn't have driven home and there were moments where I woke up in another man's bed who was never my boyfriend. I never want to walk down that road again.

10. I have forgiven those who have hurt me and wish nothing but the best in their lives. I don't hate anyone or hold grudges.

11. I have lost about 10 lbs in the past 2 months solely because of stress. I haven't worked out since early October and need to change that.

12. Since July, I haven't been able to hold down a nanny job longer than 2 weeks. I think God is telling me to find something else. I am still having trouble figuring out what that something else is.

13. Faith Church St. Louis has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and my family. No doubt about it. It's brought us closer together. It has made us all happier individuals and it brought Paul into my life.

14. I suffer from an extreme form of PMS which has been diagnosed as PMDD but I just call it "PMS on crack." It varies from month to month as to how severe my symptoms are. Some months I don't have any symtoms and others, I have to stay home because my cramps are ridiculous or I can't stop crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason.

15. I listen to music CONSTANTLY because I don't like silence. I fall asleep to music or Scrubs on DVD.

16. I miss a lot of my friends, but am enjoying a new part of my life with my family. I have talked more with my brother, step-dad, and sister in the past few months than I have in the past few years. My mom and I were always close over the phone, but now I spend time with her more often than I have in the past. And having Paul and his family is just another amazing bonus. His little brother Keith has become my little brother (the one that thinks you are the coolest thing since sliced-bread kind of little brother).

Honestly...have I lost my drive?

2008-12-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here awake at 12:46am when I should be asleep. But I ask myself why? I don't have plans tomorrow, which has been the statement of the hour for an entire month. My goodness...has it already been a month since all of that happened? Yeah, it has.

I have never been the type of person to be okay with unemployment, but I've reached a point of surrender. I have odd jobs that help me pay the bills, but it's not much. I guess I don't need an ungodly amount of money anyway. I don't pay rent or have car payments. My loans are going to be deferred until I have a steady income. I just need money to pay my phone bill and gas. I suppose I have always had money issues and have grown numb to it all. God provides somehow. And I manage to make it through every month so I'm not really worried about any of it.

I guess because I'm so used to being high-strung that when I'm not stressing or worrying every second of every day, something feels off. I have goals. I ALWAYS have goals, but my most recent goals are a lot more different than I'm used to. I have certain things to keep me occupied while I'm trying to get my life situated. But I feel situated somehow and I don't care that I don't have a career path right now. I honestly don't care and that feeling freaks me out hard-core. I've ALWAYS cared about that part of my life. Maybe it's because that's all I thought I had in my life to care about. Maybe it's because the world prepares us all to care about that. They don't teach us to care about church or family or love. We spend 17 plus years of our lives in school and they never say a single thing about any of that. Unless you go to a private school with religious affiliation I guess. But a majority of us spent many many MANY years going to public school being brain-washed into thinking that life is about making money and finding your place in the economy. Hahaha...I just laugh at that mere idea. What economy?! It's failing! If it wasn't for our families, we wouldn't need a reason to make money and I'd like to think that is why we must find a career...so we can take care of them.

But I've come to realize that even without my career a part of my life right now, I STILL feel complete. I'm STILL full of peace and joy. I still feel like I'm LIVING. At 22 years old, almost 23, I feel like I have a solid grip on what life is all about and it has NOTHING to do with what I've been drilled with since I was 5 years old. Absolutely NOTHING. I don't regret any part of my life, but college was the most hellish 4 years of my life. I have never felt more stressed or pressured in my entire life. Okay...figure out what you want to do with the rest of your entire existence...NOW!!! Oh, you're undeclared...that's sad. You don't know what you want to do? That's sad....

You know what I want to do? I want to be happy! I want a perfect marriage to counter-act all the rest of the divorces in this world. I want 2 beautiful children to love and adore and teach them about God and how much He loves them. I want a warm and wonderful house to come home to at the end of a long day at work. I want to spend time at church with my family and grow deeper in my faith. I want to use the talents God has given me to make a huge difference in the world and change lives. I may not know exactly what that is going to be, but I know I will continue to listen to what God wants for me. I want an act of illumination, not ellimination.

So have I lost my drive? Hmm...I don't think I have. I think my drive has been switched over from the world's system to God's system. Seriously. In the Bible it tells us that God is Love. And Love is at the center of my existence for the first time in my life. Not just romantic love, but love for all of God's people and especially people who haven't seen much of me over the years...my family. I choose them over my friends and a lot of my friends are left scratching their heads because they don't get it. I love my friends, but I love my family more. That's how it should be! And maybe we are all messed up individuals carrying around so much pain because of our dysfunctional relationships with our family. If we took the time to heal those wounded relationships, maybe other aspects of our lives would be more fulfilling. As we get older, our family grows because we form our very own family. I am getting older and things are changing for me at a very rapid pace because God has sent someone who I've longed for most of my life...my soul-mate. This isn't just another relationship doomed to fail. Paul isn't just a boyfriend. He is my future husband. If you have ever been in this situation where you know who you are going to spend the rest of your life with, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you might just think I'm getting into too deep too quickly or maybe I'm just getting too wrapped up in him or obsessed even. I have never understood something so clearly in my whole life. And I know our relationship (which is centered in Christ) is what I'm supposed to focus on right now.

Everything else is just going to have to take a back-seat for awhile. I have the rest of my life to figure out my career. Who said you have to know that answer at 22? Who wrote those rules? I'm pretty sure that isn't in the Bible. I know God didn't want us to be alone.

18Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone;(R) I will make him a helper fit for[e] him." 19(S) Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed[f] every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and(T) brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam[g] there was not found a helper fit for him. 21So the LORD God caused a(U) deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made[h] into a woman and brought her to the man. 23Then the man said, "This at last is(V) bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;she shall be called Woman, because she was(W) taken out of Man."[i]
24(X) Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2: 18-24 ESV).

So, that's what has been on my mind lately and what has been going on in my life lately. I think about Paul every second of every day because I want to and because he is my gift from God. I'm not saying everyone's life has to be like this, but it sure beats being stressed out wondering what you are going to do for the rest of your life and how you are going to make money. To me, this is such a better deal!

Peace and Love.

Change is inevitable.

2008-12-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

I've been dealing with change more frequently and more intensely than most people my age. But it's something that I have had to deal with since I was very little. Most of the changes that happened were the same as many of my friends dealt with and I had people to talk to because I wasn't alone in the situation: births, divorce, deaths, moving, maturing, dating, money problems, breakups...

But some changes were on a much larger scale and I had very few people in my life who knew how to relate to exactly what I was going through: nauseating family tension, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, moving so much that I never had a secure "home" for longer than 1 year, forbidden love affairs, betrayal, one-night stands, bankruptcy, and yes, even murder of a loved one.

But even as those changes flowed through my life, one thing remained constant: GOD's hand in my life holding me safely. My faith may have had many ups and downs throughout my life, but I always new God was there. Even when I was the most miserable person to be a round for 2 weeks out of every month, God still loved me and sent the right people who could handle my anxiety and PMDD mood swings. (Praise God that those aren't as strong as they used to be!)

I know some of you are wondering what happened to your friend, Emily. She put her friends at the top of the list, she liked to party occassionally, she liked going out boozing, she liked having a good time! Well, at least one of those 4 things are true still. I LOVE HAVING A GOOD TIME, but there are people in my life now that I now choose to put at the top of my list that haven't seen much of me over the past 4 years or in some cases even more than that: my family, my church, and the love of my life, Paul. My friends will always have a very special place in my heart, but I don't spend as much time with them as I have in the past because other things need my attention now.

I used to spend every weekend with some folks, and now I barely talk to them or see them. I know that when you don't live very close to each other, it's much harder to stay in touch and it takes a stronger effort. I know I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. And I apologize to many of my dearest friends. I guess I'm just trying to get used to some of the changes that have happened to me over the course of the past 6 months. I'm not the same Emily you may have known a year ago, 4 years ago, or maybe even longer in some cases. I choose God over a lot of things. And some may think I'm a Jesus Freak or think it's taking over my life. But I tell you this: I have NEVER been so happy or full of joy in my entire life and I hope that you are happy for me. The goodness that you found in me is still here and is stronger than ever. I've changed, but it's for the better, TRUST ME.

I don't know if you will ever know how much I love each and every one of you who have entered my life at any single moment. From my infamous birthday parties/slumber parties in gradeschool to Junior High Cheerleading to Trenton FUMC Youth Group to WHS Marching Band to SLU to Hard Road to SIUE & Summer Showbiz shows (My Jimmy Dean Girls, Chorus Line underwear and candle party/hide and seek, My cheese-tastic DHSM experience, Ah-mazing Big Love and Every Angel casts) to crazy cast and Halloween parties to wonderfully unique roommates to SETO Formals to Showtunes Tuesdays and Grey Fox to Faith Church St. Louis...they ALL mean the world to me and I love every one of those memories with you all. We don't have to be best friends for me to tell you that or let you know that I hold you close to my heart. If any of you think I hate you or are angry with you for any reason, you are terribly mistaken. I never stop thinking about any of you. Not a single one of you.

I just wanted to let you know that I may come across as different because my faith has become the center of my life and I'd rather spend my time at church functions than anywhere else in the world. Faith Church has become my home and it is where I feel the most at peace. If it wasn't for that church, I would have never met Paul and probably would have continued searching for love in all of the wrong places. That church brings me peace and joy and in turn I bring that peace and joy into the rest of my life. I may not enjoy boozing or partying as much as I used to, but I still have the same sense of humor and enjoy shaking my booty. That will never change. :)

Just know that I love you all and that I am extremely happy with where my life is headed. I'm in love with the man of my dreams and cannot wait to see what lies ahead for both of us.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers...all of you!

Peace & Love.

Update on Emily Rose.

2008-12-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

Well, if it means much of anything to anyone, I am probably at the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I think it's because I have so many ah-mazing things to look forward to. I could take the time to list them all, but I'd rather you all be surprised when they actually happen instead of everyone and their brother knowing my biz-nazz like usual. I've realized that being an open-book comes with a price and I've been taken advantage of recently by putting my life on display.

So I'm going to stick to vagueness until I feel comfortable enough to get more detailed with some things. The people who are super super close to me will know soon enough about everything that's been going on in my life. Honestly, all you have to do is ask.

So as I was saying, I'm ridiculously happy. Like freakishly happy. Stupid happy. Hahaha...

A lot of that has to do with my faith and God sending me angels to help pick me up when life's struggles knock me down. You know who you are. For one, Paul has been a God-send, honestly. I'm not going to hide it. He really is the most amazing man I've ever met in my entire life and it has nothing to do with the fact that he is my boyfriend or soul-mate. I was in awe of him the first time we spoke. He is so genuine, warm, funny, and caring. And so many other qualities of course... ;) I never thought a love like this would exist for me until much later in life...once I had my career secured and I was close to 30. God had other plans for me. Thank goodness. I don't think I could have waited that long!

Some of you know I've had a big change of heart lately as far as my career path is concerned. And I know many of you are worried that I'm giving up or settling, but I tell you all: it's okay, I am doing all of this because I WANT TO. I feel God asking me to use my talents here in St. Louis. And not JUST my acting, singing, or dancing talents, but my brains and my integrity. If I'm supposed to move, He'll let me know and it will be painfully obvious. I'm tired of trying to MAKE things happen on my own. It's exhausting to tell you the truth. Believe me, I've been doing it for over 20 years. The tail-end of 22 has shown the transitions and year 23 will be different. I will forever listen to Him and live my life to impact and change other lives for the better. Amen! :)

Let's just say I'm going back to my roots before a certain someone entered my life and changed the way I lived my life. I'm building upon the good that was laid down long before I got to SIUE. Back when I wanted the white-picket fence lifestyle. I don't know why I used to bash that so much...maybe it was because I secretly wanted it but didn't think God was gonna send me the husband any time soon. Boy I really had no idea, did I?!

Life is just ah-mazing right now. Really, honestly. I know some terrible things have happened recently, but God has managed to turn it all into good and I'm being protected and taken care of. I applied for a position at Sylvan Learning Center in Edwardsville as a Teacher's Assistant. I really like tutoring. I started tutoring independently back in October and the kid's mom just told me that he raised his English grade (the class he needed the most help in) from a D to a B! That made my day today! There is physical proof that I am making a difference with my time and talents that God has given me. That's awesome! So I'm praying that I get this job and it will help me save money and build my resume a little for some things I want to pursue within the next few years as far as my career is concerned.

I'm going to most likely take a year off from theatre. I might do some small independent films here and there, but for the most part I need a break for a little bit. I need more time for family, Paul, and planning for some HUGE changes in my life. I also need more time for church. I'm auditioning for the youth band on Thursday (FINALLY!), acting with the drama ministry, helping in the TV department with Paulie on Tuesdays, and answering phones on Sunday mornings after the TV programs end. It feels good to do new things. Especially if they are helping people!

So that's about it...for now of course! :) If you're happy and you know it, give someone a hug for me, okay?

I love you all more than you'll ever know.

Peace & Love.

What do I wanna be when I grow up?

2008-11-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

That question is one you ask when you are about 10 years old and it continues as you go through school. I remember being asked that question constantly and it running through my mind at every second of every day, especially once it was time to start applying for college.

At first, I wanted to be a doctor but when I found out about the length of schooling, I said, “No way Jose!”

Then throughout most of high school, I prepped to become an English teacher. At 19, I transferred schools and transferred my career path to focus on becoming an actress.

I now have a BA degree in Theatre & Dance and still find myself asking “What do I wanna be when I grow up?” After dealing with my dad’s death and becoming a strong, solid woman of God, I have had a major reality check. With the economy being in the poor state it is in, I have been questioning my career path every day. I don’t think I can afford to take the selfish route and chase the dream of becoming a movie star. I have constantly asked myself recently some major life questions: Why are we here? What is our sole purpose on this Earth?

After some soul-searching and praying, I’ve realized that we are put on this Earth to change lives and help others through the struggles on this complex life. How can I become so self-involved to think that my performance abilities are going to help people put food on the table or heal them of their pain. Sure, I could help put a smile on their face for a little while, but that pain in their heart will still be there when the play is over or the 30 minutes TV show has ended. I must go deeper and I must think bigger than just acting.

How many of us actually take the time to figure this all out? I don’t regret becoming a Theatre major…not at all. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe it helped me overcome a lot of my insecurities. I am the confident woman today because of those few years forcing myself to put my vulnerabilities on the line every day.

With that said, I am discovering that I have so much more to offer the world than jazz-hands and dramatic and engaging monologues. And God is sending me signs every day to figure that out. I got an email from a former professor from SIUE today that reminded me how disciplined, pleasant, and bright I am. He wants to have me help him organize some things at his home for pay. I feel that this man can offer me the guidance I have been looking for.

On top of that, there is an author who is looking for my partnership with his new book coming out in February. I’m not sure where this is all headed, but God needs me to remain unemployed right now. With much discussion over the past couple weeks, I’m closing the door on the nanny biz. God has given me way too many talents and abilities (aside from my performance skills) to change diapers for a living. I don’t know what I’m being called to do, but I know I will figure it out soon enough. Nannying helped me make money when I was waiting to move to LA, but that is no longer the case and I need to figure out what I am being called to do.

After dealing with my dad’s death and realizing how utterly important my faith is to me, my eyes have been re-opened to what mattered most to me before I ever asked myself that simple question of my career path…love.

Not romantic love. But family, friends, and love for all of God’s people. If I have learned anything throughout these past few weeks, it is that life is very precious and it can be taken away so quickly. I don’t want to waste any moment pursuing a life full of stress or anger in the entertainment industry. I do want to take my life to help others and change hearts and lives. I do want a husband, house, and children. When it comes down to it, that is all that matters in life. Your family, your friends, your faith, and your health. Everything else is just filler until you get to be with the ones you love.

Maybe I’ve had an epiphany. Maybe it’s a revelation. Whatever it is, I have grown up and opened my eyes to what is truly important in life and it’s not money or your career. It’s the people God places in your life that makes those other things enjoyable. I will no longer allow myself to be brainwashed by society’s timeline or society’s plan for our lives.

What makes you happy? I guarantee you it is not a thing.

I may not know what I wanna be when I grow up in the world’s terms, but I do know that I want to be a strong, faithful woman of God who lives her life to glorify Him and help change lives around her. Details to follow…until He brings me the answer.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this precious life by taking it all one day at a time.

That’s all we can really do anyway.

Peace and Love.

At 23, I should be planning a wedding, not a funeral...

2008-11-19T23:16:00.000-08:00

So these past few days have been the longest yet fastest days of my life. I can't believe it's already Thursday. I feel like I blinked and it went from Monday to today in just the matter of seconds. But at the same time, I feel like this whole ordeal has been hanging over my head for forever and a day. Each day that passed brought more news and more closure in some odd way. But I'm still finding myself in the heaviest daze and still questioning when I will wake up and the nightmare will finally be over.

Today (Wednesday, I still haven't gone to sleep yet) would have been difficult for pretty much anyone, but at 23, no one should ever have to visit a family attorney because you're not sure if the family is going to try to take what's rightfully your's out of your hands (found out that my brother and I are the 2 beneficiaries on my dad's life insurance, 401K, and the rest of his assets-I get the pleasure of selling the house! Lucky me!), go through paperwork with an IL State cop at your dead father's house that smells like him and not get too frustrated that the beer was still around the kitchen, get THE call from the St. Claire County Coroner's office, make funeral arrangements (pick out the urn, flowers, mass music, remembrance cards, make a memory board with pictures, and find items that remind us all of him), and sign your lovely name on the dotted line to pay for the $5,000 joyous occasion. *I use my sarcasm and sense of humor as a way to cope*

On top of all of that, I had to deal with the terribly sad fact that I am not very close to that side of the family and it all began with my parent's divorce. I have been treated like an outsider since I was just a little 10 year old girl. And nothing has changed. I remind them of my my mother more and more every day and that makes certain relationships with that side of the family that much more difficult and tense. My mom was the one lovingly pushing us to go to those family functions for our dad's sake even when we never felt welcome and the hugs or hellos were never as sincere or warm as they should have been. And I think the saddest thing of all is that I love them with all of my heart, but my brother and I were always different from the rest of my cousins. Our parents weren't married anymore and so they chose to take that out on us.

*Sigh* The affects of divorce on children sometimes harden so many hearts and I have tried with every fiber of my being to not harbor any ill feelings towards any of my family members no matter how badly they've treated me. And today was one of those days that I had to bite my lip, fight back the tears, and just tough it out. I was not PHYSICALLY alone in that funeral home today (I had the courtsey enough to call my grandma and ask if she wanted to come along and she brought along my aunt) but I was surely EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND MENTALLY alone when it came to the Mollet family support. At 23, I had to be the strong young woman that I know I am, and get things done without completely losing it on their ridiculously denial-stricken selves. They have no idea what I know and I suppose I will tell them when it's time. But today, at the funeral home, when they were hanging on by an emotional thread, was not the place or time to bring this news of such a horrible way to die into their minds.

I'm sure my cousins will hear via facebook or internet and make it completely known to the whole world and if that's how they all find out, that's how they all find out. I'm not going to stop expressing myself the best way I know how to express myself just because they feel the need to "go tell on me." It's gonna be on the news soon enough. I mean, come one...he was murdered! It's gonna be something people talk about for awhile...even people who don't know him. When I was asked today if I knew anything, I honestly could not respectively say anything. Like I said, it was NOT the place or time for such a discussion. Murder is rarely a good discussion anywhere or at anytime, and especially when those you are talking to can't even remember their own family members names (seriously, when my grandma was asked about her own deceased husband's name, she totally blanked until my aunt stepped in and said something...it was terribly sad to witness).

So I made it through all of this and lived to talk about it!

There will be more things to discuss later on regarding my inheritance, but this is also not the time or place to discuss that. Let's just say that I SHALL NOT LACK just as the Lord has told me:

“THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack” Psalms 23:1 (Amplified)

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (Today's New International Version)

My dad's visitation will be held on Monday, November 24th from 4:00pm-8:00pm at Hempen Funeral Home in New Baden, IL (15 E Hanover St, New Baden, IL 62265)
My dad's funeral mass will be held on Tuesday, November 25th at 10:00am at St. George Catholic Church in New Baden, IL (200 N 3rd St, New Baden, IL 62265)

I leave you with this prayer:

"You are my Good Shepherd and I do not lack anything. Everything I need is in You, in Your Word. You are my protection, my hope, my provision and the very substance of my life. My very breath comes from You. You are literally the air I breathe. You have gone before me and know the way, preparing a path for me to walk on. I don't know what is ahead but You do and I trust you.
My hope is in the Lord. I hear Your voice and I do not follow another. You always come after me when I wander off or turn aside. You will not let me fail, grow weak, or shrink back without coming after me. It is what You do and who You are. I am and I shall be kept by the Lord in all my ways. I take a hold of the promise and say, “I shall not lack, for the Lord is MY Good Shepherd.” Amen" (http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2007/08/17/psalms-twenty-three-love-letter-day-two/)

Peace & Love.

Breaking free from the curse of this family...

2008-11-18T07:06:00.000-08:00

My father was bound by alcohol and pornography and very quickly became very lost. The devil had my dad by the throat and the evil that suffocated my dad came to an end Sunday night/Monday morning.

With all the specifics still under investigation, my dad was found burned to death in a house in Washington Park. I don't know who was out to get him, but he was involved in something terrible that eventually lead to his death. His stripper girlfriend is under investigation, but they are trying to make sure he wasn't involved in drugs (I'm pretty sure he wasn't because I would have known about that or found something around the house that made it apparent). I know this doesn't sound real, but it's been on the news and in the paper and I can't even explain to you how much of a daze I have been in since yesterday.

I found out yesterday afternoon about all of this and I finally have the courage to talk about it on here because it's much bigger than just my dad's death. I write this not only to grieve and comprehend what just happened, but to tell everyone that I am here for anyone who's life has been bruised and torn because of alcohol or has had a struggling and complicated relationship with their father.

College is the worst thing to happen to kids when it comes to it's promotion of alcohol and partying. Young people become desensitized to drinking and driving or excessive drinking. I was one of those young people who didn't think twice about getting behind a wheel after a few too many cocktails. "I'll be fine. I'm fine." And the next morning, I couldn't remember how I got home and realized I was NOT fine. I would put myself in a situation where I KNEW the driver was drinking whether in the car or after a night of bar-hopping. I look at these decisions and want to smack myself and all of my friends around me who are guilty of this. IT'S NOT SAFE!!!!!!! You could kill someone and yourself! Wake up!!!!!

Along with drinking and driving, I've been guilty of compromising my morals and getting involved in activities with men who were not my boyfriend, and more specifically not my husband. It's not good when you don't remember how you got in his bed or what you 2 even did that night or how about this question...did he where a condom? Oh God, am I pregnant?!

I didn't drink that much in college, and my friends know that, but I still feel like I could have been headed down a very difficult road if I wasn't careful. Luckily I had a mom and friends to keep me in check and a God who watched over me with every stumble and mistake.

I'm not really sure if I'm allowed to say anything about this because of legal reasons, but this was my dad, and IS my life and my story. The funeral arrangements cannot be made until they know for sure about the details. They legally can't have a funeral without an exact cause of death or death certificate. I'm not looking forward to reliving all of these emotions that day, that's for sure.

With all of that said, I am forever thankful for my support system who came to my aid last night. Bless you all for stopping by or calling. I don't know what I'd do without all of you. Including Paul. He was by my side the entire night holding me and comforting me until I fell asleep. My boss is allowing me all the time I need to rest and grieve. She doesn't know about any of this because I only was told that he was in an accident and I assumed it was a car accident. I only wish it was that simple. There really is evil in this world and I want to work my entire life to stay far away from any of it. I suggest you ask yourself if that next drink truly is worth it if you are beginning to lose any self control.

I love you all too much to see anything like this happen to you and your family.

Be careful and know that God loves you because you are His children. He doesn't want to see anything like this happen to you. But when we take our lives into our own hands and don't listen to God, He can't help you any longer. There's only so many times He can try to stop you from killing yourself before it's just too late.

Sadly, it was too late for my dad. He was too far gone and couldn't be saved.

Don't ever let that happen to you. And I will try my hardest to step in if I become worried about you.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I'll be praying for all of you children of alcoholics. My heart is aching for you too.

Peace and love.

For those who love me...

2008-11-17T11:31:00.000-08:00

you will understand.

If you read through a lot of my previous posts, you'll see that I have been questioning my calling for a very long time. Ever since I read Purpose Driven Life, I've asked what I was being called to do. I know that God has blessed me with many talents and abilities and I believed in my heart that he was calling me to bring light to Los Angeles, California. Funny thing about that statement: I made my decision to move to LA over a year ago. I didn't know what God wanted for my life back then, but I knew what I WANTED FOR MY LIFE. I was not a very disciplined Christian when I was in college. I had good intentions but we all know where that leads and what road it paves. I'm not a new believer by any means, but I'm a newly "renewed" believer. I got off the path about 4 years ago when I was a senior in high school. It all started to unravel slowly when Rob and I broke up and I had to learn how to be myself on my own.

And I do believe I was supposed to be a Theatre major. I truly believe God wanted that for my life. I met some amazing people at SIUE and many of them are very close to my heart even if I don't get to see them very often anymore. But I became a very confused soul in college. I made decisions that lowered my morals and standards. I dated someone who destroyed a lot of whatever true self I had left. And now since graduating and finding my amazing church Faith Church St. Louis, the blinders have finally been lifted and I've become renewed. Emily has been redefined. So for those of you who have only met me in the last 4 years, you might be a little confused with what I'm going to say. But I believe if you accept the true part of me that still exists, you'll have no problem with my decisions.

I'm not moving to Los Angeles. I have chosen to move to Chicago, IL in January 2010.

Wow...I can just hear some of you now... Yep, I knew she was just all talk. I knew it. She isn't going to make anything of herself. She's just scared of how big LA is. She's just settling just like every other Theatre major that has passed through SIUE's halls. She has completely lost her mind.

And I tell you, SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO SAY ABOUT ME...COME ON, CUT ME DOWN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!

I have never been more clear about anything ever before because God has changed my heart. Yesterday morning, Pastor Dave asked the congregation what they were going to do with their lives to help others? "What are you doing to change lives?" he asked. And it didn't really hit me until last night's service during praise and worship. I heard a small, still voice say "Why are you an actress Emily? Whose lives are you going to change? How are you going to impact lives and help win others to the Lord?" I heard it, but I couldn't answer at that moment. Not until I talked to Paul later that night...

God was sending me signs to help support the answers to those questions: #1 When I auditioned for Young and the Restless on Friday, the woman interviewing me didn't even look into my eyes when I was talking and during a genuine story, she looked right over my head. I got angry because I realized people out there do not want genuine human contact. It's all about money to them. "You've got to say what you need to say in 3 minutes or less or they don't want to talk to you, Emily" Mr. Kuban said to me. Well, why would I want to be around those kind of people?! We all deserve more than 3 minutes of someone's time! #2 My mom left a note in my car before that auditioned that said YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A STAR TO ME. I later found out that God spoke to her that morning and told her that it wasn't my time for break-through in that business yet but she didn't want to discourage me if I was still going to go. But she knew why I went to that audition even though I didn't want to...I didn't want to let her down. I want to be successful for her and the rest of my family. I now know that no matter what, my mom will be proud. #3 The sides that they gave me at that audition was utter filth. And I realized that God does not want me to use my talents to promote such filth: I do not appreciate promoting women as sex-objects or sexual activity in teens. No thank you. That's not the message I want to help spread. LA is FULL OF ALL OF THAT! #4 I met a woman last night at church who happened to hear that I chose to stay in StL instead of move to LA. She said to me, "How courageous of you to stay here and listen to what God wants for you! He is going to use you for some big things Emily!" This woman didn't even know me and there was something that touched my heart and when she those words to me. There was a sparkle in her eye that stood out to me. All I could say to her was thank you.

So after a dinner last night, Paul and I talked my whole way home on the phone about this. I told him what I heard in my heart and he got very quiet. He said, "Oh baby, I'm so glad you told me this! I wanted so badly to talk to you about it but I knew I needed to let God change your heart instead. I would have followed you out to LA because I love you, but I knew that isn't where God was calling you. I wanted you to figure this out on your own. LA isn't for people like us. They don't want to hear about God out there. They scoff at what we want to share. You can't find a solid church out there. Hollywood, not the business, but Hollywood is the Devil's playground. It's full of evil. Yes, there are good people out there, but they are trapped in the midst of it all. I want to continue this ministry that God has called me to do and I want you to continue your ministry, but not there. I would love to find another city with you so we could start our lives together. I'm so glad you heard Him tell you this Emily. You needed to hear that message tonight!"

So I had an extreme anxiety attack as I tried to wrapped my brain around what was going on inside of me. How could I change my plans after I've spent well over a year thinking about LA and planning for a life out in LA? But the main point of that previous question is...they were MY plans, not GOD'S. And I heard that loud and clear last night. I don't remember growing up wanting to make movies. The main reason I wanted to pursue that later on in life was to make enough money to buy a house for my mom. But God will STILL make that happen... His way, not mine. I DO remember talking about being on Broadway when I was little. I remember dancing around my living room to "At the Ballet" from A Chorus Line when I was four. I remember the talent shows, the Halloween costumes, the singing into hairbrushes. I remember falling in love with the stage when I was just 15 years old and I look at all the show posters, Playbills, and Broadway street sign on my walls. I don't ever remember wanting to make movies for the rest of my life. But I know I would like to be in a movie, maybe a sitcom, a few commercials, print ads, etc. I don't completely shun that part of the biz. But I don't want to spend my entire life working towards something I don't fully agree with or believe in.

I'm not walking away from LA because of fear. It's the exact opposite! I'm walking away because of FAITH! My faith has become the center of my life and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm going to use my talents to help glorify Him not embarrass Him. I also want to raise a family and have a house and not be 1800 miles away from my friends and family. I'd just be a mere 5 hour drive away and could take the train down for a weekend trip any time I wanted. This all just seems perfect, I believe.

So that's that. I've got some other big things going on in my life that occurred today, but it's not time to talk about it all just yet.

Let's just say that God is holding me and surrounding me with His love.

The best things in life aren't THINGS!

2008-11-13T13:09:00.001-08:00

Jesus Placed the Highest Value on Relationships by Tom Holladay

Regarding life together and getting along with each other, you don’t need me to tell you what to do. You’re God-taught in these matters. Just love one another! 1 Thessalonians 4:9 (MSG)

I don’t remember the time or the place or the conference, but the question the moderator asked has stuck in my mind. What I recall most vividly is the answer that immediately flashed into my thoughts.

Here is the question: Suppose you’re in a rubber life raft with a friend. You’re approaching an island. The raft is leaking, and you are within sight of land. In the raft with you are a set of signal flares, a week’s supply of canned food, and a five gallon container ofwater. You must throw one of these items overboard if you’regoing to make it to the island. Which one do you choose?

I have to admit, the first answer that hit me was “the friend.” Now don’t sit there with a pious “I’ve never thought anything like that” look! This silly thought that leaped into my mind was a reminder of how easy it is to value things over people. And who among us hasn’t struggled with that feeling?Priorities become most important when we must make choices. If we had enough time to do everything, everything could be a priority.

But we don’t have enough time to do everything. If we had the power to do every good thing we wanted to do, our choices wouldn’t be so important. But we can’t do every good thing we want to do. When Jesus spoke about the priority of relationships, he could not have been clearer. He taught that relationships must be given the highest of values."

I read this article this morning as one of my daily devotionals I receive through emails. I've been struggling with this concept for awhile now. But only because I WANT TO VALUE RELATIONSHIPS OVER THINGS! In Fall 2007, I trained myself to stop reaching out to others who didn't want my love and dove into thinking about my acting career 24/7. Ask any of my really close friends and they will tell you that I never shut up about LA. You should see my bookshelf! I have an entire shelf dedicated to books on the biz and acting. Thank you amazon.com! ;) For over a year, I turned my my mind and heart towards something that I could throw all of my passion and drive into only to realize just NOW that my career will NEVER love me back. Yes, I will have successes, but that's because of God's precious love, not the business' love.

Don't get me wrong, my calling to become an actress is still very important to me, but now that I have found true love (for REAL) from God, my family, my friends, and now most importantly Paul, I finally see the big picture. And it has nothing to do with my career. It has EVERYTHING to do with my very precious relationships. When I'm lying on my death-bed, I won't be holding my Oscar, but my dear ones' hands. Within the past 6 months, I have prioritized a lot of things (slowly but surely). God became number one again after about 4 years (thank you college) of being on and off the path. I do value higher education, but I don't like what it can do to young people's lives when they do not prepare themselves for it. If they are not careful, they can get strangled by society's timeline and by the world's opinions, morals, and standards.

I became someone else. I made decisions that compromised my morals and lived in a manic depressive state most of the time. The true Emily disappeared for a long time and I felt like I was going through life gasping for air. I'm so glad I can finally breathe again. That's what graduating was like. 17 years of strangling and struggling for a breath of air now over, a chance to make my own decisions for once, and the freedom to see life in a beautiful, STRESS-FREE light. I cannot express myself enough to you all how wonderful life is now that school (the institution of education NOT education itself) is not in my life.

I'm grateful for the talents and abilities God has blessed me with and I would be a fool if I did not pursue this career full force and use all of those talents and abilities to their fullest potential. But that pursuit with NEVER come before God, Paul, my family, my church, or my friends.
With that said, I have an audition tomorrow that will be my focus for most of the day, but when it doesn't need to be on my mind, I'll be using my time praying and thinking about Paul.

3 more days until I hold him in my arms. Thank God.

Peace & Love.

Open and Honest.

2008-11-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

I am just going to go right out there and be completely open and honest about what has been going on in my mind lately...

Marriage.

Yes, I know, I haven't been with Paul very long to be thinking about this, but I am thinking about it. And I won't apologize for it. I'm not MAKING myself think about marrying him. I feel it in my heart with utter certainty that this is the most truthful thing I have ever believed in my entire life. And just as Genesis 1 & 2 discuss, God made man to have a counter-part...a woman, a wife. So I know that this longing is of God. The relationship itself is of God because neither one of us looked for each other. He was called to grow up in that church and I was called to eventually attend that church and to remain there for at least a year. I made my decision to stay in STL before I ever truly knew Paul. And now I see more than ever, that Paul was the reason I was supposed to stay. It is such a blessing and he is truly my gift from God.

My mom said something to me last night that really stood out to me: "Why do you care what other people think of you, Emily?"

She ran into a guy I had a huge crush on a little while ago (who pretty much dropped me on my butt before I even knew what happened) and wanted to rubbed it in his face that I was so in love and happy. She wanted to tell him that I was engaged. I immediately got defensive. Mom! I don't want people thinking that! They'd all think I was crazy! They know I've only been with Paul a few weeks and then they'd think I was insane if I was ALREADY engaged!!!

I now look at her question to me and realize...I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S YOU-KNOW-WHAT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME!!!! If they can't find it deep down in their own being that we all long to find our soul-mates and want to argue with me that love follows a timeline, then they don't need to be any part of my life. My mom told me that she's never seen me this happy before in my life. Not even when I was in high school with Rob did I glow like this. My grandpa said that he enjoyed being around me and talking with me. "There's something different about her." I have not made this relationship the center of my universe (that spot is reserved for God) but I give 110% to EVERYTHING in my life. And right now, this relationship needs my attention. It's very important to me and I want to nurture it so it can grow into something so amazingly beautiful and pure to remain that way for the rest of my life.

So what if I've decided that this is the man I'm going to marry already! If you love me, you'll be so utterly happy that I've found him! If you think that I'll be throwing away my career if I get married within a year, then you obviously don't know me. I'm a very strong woman capable of balancing much more than one thing at a time. I have never understood something this much ever before in my life.

With all of that said, I feel like I need to say something about society's little timeline. I know with my whole being that Paul would propose to me today if he could. He already started looking at rings a few days ago and marriage seems to be on his mind (he asked me to read 1 Corinthians 7 Sunday night). I think a major reason he will wait several more months is because of society's timeline. I'm sure he's worried about what certain people think about all of this (our parents think it's wonderful, but I think it's just everyone else that probably doesn't even matter in the end). He'll be 19 December 1st and we will have been together just a mere 3 weeks on Sunday. Yep, you can think I'm crazy...go right ahead. I really don't care what you think. I'll be 23 years old in about a month. I'm pretty sure I'm adult enough to make decisions like this.

So that's what goin on in the old noggin. I'm still moving to LA within a year. I'm under contract with the family I nanny for to give them 1 year. That decision was ironically also made before Paul and I were together. God's timing is perfect, isn't it?

I found this picture online with a really amazing article that seemed to put all of what was going on in my mind into perspective.
Apparently other people are on my side with this one...
Thanks or listenin and lovin me always.
Peace.

Keepin' the light switch turned ON!

2008-11-09T18:19:00.001-08:00

Today's message was really good for my spirit. I needed it.

I'm in such a wonderful place in my life that I realized how content and relaxed I've become with everything. I don't stress or worry my life away. I just be...exist...am. It's a good feeling to feel this much at peace.

But there are always small things that seem to rise up to the surface and the enemy will try to poke holes in your amazing living situation. I grew up with financial strain and it has never really ever disappeared. Yes, I DO have a job now, but that doesn't make money just POOF into my bank account to get rid of my negative balance. It's going to take a little time to get back on track. So I could freak out about my financial situation or just believe that it will all work out in the end. Which is the way I think I'm supposed to live my life....

But it gets really tough sometimes!

I moved out of my alcoholic father's house this weekend to my grandpa's upstairs. I now have my own living space and my shoulders are free from all that weight that I carried every day wondering what I would have to pull my dad out of next. I've chosen to stay here until I move to LA. Gas is going down and I have faith that it will remain this low, so I will save on so much more money because of that. I would be putting so much money into rent for pretty much nothing then. I'm really not that far away from things. I have had to drive 20-30 minutes to get anywhere my whole life, so why couldn't I handle another year of it? I can handle it and I will! :)

This decision is going to help me save so much more money for things that I can't even see yet. An AFTRA contract? (details to follow after this weekend, I promise). Car insurance in my own name for once? A dress (of the white pursuasion)? New clothes that actually fit and don't make me feel fat?

I feel break-through happening. I'm in the midst of it now, and it's just going to keep getting better and better! This is I know for sure! I'm keeping my light switch turned on and the devil is going to have to tackle me to the ground to turn it off!

God spoke something very significant to me this morning at church. I don't want to say too much about it quite yet because I want it to manifest itself before I tell everyone. Let's just say that people from the west coast will see what Miss Emily Rose Mollet is made of this weekend! "There is just something about her...there is just this glow about her that makes me feel really good! I really like this girl! Let's pick her!"

Walk in faith, not by sight!

I WILL see this come to pass and I WILL live out my dreams...just you wait!

It's happening now and I'm thanking Him as every second passes.

I love you all.

Peace.

Lookin' ahead way too much...

2008-11-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

So I'm not sure why I am looking so far ahead all of a sudden. I'm planning things that haven't even begun yet in hopes that I might "get ahead of the game." God made me a very goal-oriented person, but sometimes I forget not to get too carried away. And I'm pretty sure I'm getting carried away.

It's the hardest thing for me to discover that and figure out how to change my mindset to something more present grounded. At the present moment, nothing is too terribly exciting. I think the sitting-at-home-thing has really gotten to me. But I should soak it up because this is the last day for that! I start my new job tomorrow and once that happens, I won't be able to slow down. But if anyone knows me even a little bit, you know that I LOVE being busy!

When I allow myself to just sit and vedge, my mind races around and around about things that I have no control over. Like how I hate being 45 minutes-an hour away from anyone or anything that I love or how my bank account has been negative for about a month now. Or how I have to help paint sets instead of moving out of this house on Saturday and I'll probably have to miss church Sunday morning to get it all done. I haven't seen my boyfriend in 2 days and the last time I saw him, I think we got to talk for about 20 minutes tops. *Sigh* Plus he's going out of town for about a week. That's hard when you are just starting out as a couple. You want to spend every waking moment with them because it's just so new to you and you are completely goofy over each other! I suppose I should just get used to it since it's probably gonna be like this a lot. I AM an actress and that requires a lot of time and committment. Oh well. We'll get through it with God's help of course.

I'm trying to figure out what to do for a fun date tomorrow night...it's probably gonna rain and we can't go over to either one's house. So we need to go elsewhere for this particular adventure. A movie? We are talkers so I don't know if that's necessarily a good place for us to go. Do you have any ideas?

I'd appreciate it muchly! :) thanks!

Could life get any better? Honestly.

2008-11-03T10:44:00.000-08:00

I had an amazing weekend with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, and my church family. But I'm going to just say I've had the most amazing 2 weeks actually!

Me and my baby at Wendy's Halloween Bash:

#1 I'm growing in my faith more and more everyday
#2 I'm enjoying rehearsals because it's getting closer to performances (November 14th is opening night!)
#3 I have a JOB!!!! I start this Friday! Bless the Lord!!!!!!
#4 I have an AH-MAZING boyfriend who I fall in love with more and more every day
#5 Spending time with my family has never been this much fun before!
#6 I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow with my bro. I can't wait to get out of this house!

So anyway, my life is moving forward full speed and I didn't think I'd enjoy all the small things as much as the big things. Paul and I went rollerskating on Saturday at a skating rink that he grew up at. We are SO similiar that we even have the same taste in childhood memories! :) I used to go rollerblading ALL THE TIME and STILL do...ask my roommates from last year! I have my skates in my trunk just in case I find a good skating area...the Edwardsville bike-trails are perfect by the way! We sat and ate pizza, just gazing into each other's eyes. Each moment like this, we find out so much more about each other and realize how we are continually falling for each other. After skating, we headed back to New Baden and I gave him a tour of my hometown complete with many many stories of my life in New Baden as a kid. Then we headed out for dinner at Chevy's for my Mom's birthday. We had a great time and Paul never stopped laughing!

Then yesterday, Paul and I sat through our very first service together at church. It was really special to sit next to him and hold his hand during the message. Each time something pertained to him and I, we squeezed each other's hand and smiled at one another, silently praising God for all that He has given us and continues to give us. I was so happy for Sarah to show up too! It was so great to see her sitting next to us. After service Paul and I headed to Red Robin to meet his parents for lunch. I was a little nervous, but really excited for this step in our relationship. It means a lot to me if I'm accepted by his family. We had a wonderful time chatting and telling funny stories of when he was younger. It was fun. One of my favorite moments of the day was after lunch. We took a walk in Fenton Park together in the gorgeous weather God planned for us!

I didn't think something like this would come into my life while I was patiently waiting to move to the west coast. But God likes to surprise us with the unexpected. I feel so blessed for this new addition in my life. God knew how much I wanted to someone to love like this, but I wasn't going to rush it. Like I thought, you just KNOW. And I just KNOW with Paul. I'm not 16. I'm young, but I'm not THAT young and I'm not dumb. We did not make any of this happen. It was all God. The feeling I get when I'm around Paul is like no other I have ever felt before. Every time I see a couple madly in love with one another, I do not get sick. I smile and praise God for a love like this. I don't care what society may say about what is happening to us. I don't live by society's timeline. I never wanted to. I will live by God's timeline. And that's that.

I love you all.

Gotta move...gotta get out...gotta leave this place...gotta find some place!!!

2008-10-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

Oh Barbara...

So yes, moving is on my mind. Not to Los Angeles, but to somewhere like...not here in my alcoholic father's house. When I moved back to New Baden, my plans were to only live here for a few months until I made it out to LA in January. Well, since I've graduated, my plans have changed quite a bit and many times. While I was living in Edwardsville, I didn't realize my dad was drinking again. I guess my hint should have come when he brought me alcohol to our New Year's party my junior year. The thought that he went to buy me alcohol and not buy himself any never crossed my mind. I didn't even think twice about any of it. But when I was coming home more often to ask for money or bring stuff over for my move back, I started noticing it more. I found a travel-sized bottle of Jack in the bathroom and he claimed it was to help him fall asleep and because I'm loving and trusting, I believed him. But it should have woke me up a little more when he ordered a Corona at lunch back in February. I thought maybe he had it under control. But I have to remind myself that alcoholics, especially ones in the Mollet family, NEVER have it under control.

Back in May, he woke me up at 12:30am during the week (when he should have been in bed) to ask me to bail him out of jail for his DUI. He lost his license back in September and now has a 23 year old, black, stripper girlfriend who has 3 kids. Awesome. Our fridge never has food in it, but you'd be sure there is a fridge stocked with beer. This is what I've been living with since May:

So yeah, I think he's got a problem. And staying here, is not an option anymore. I just can't watch him ruin his life any longer. I've told him about my church numerous times and told him that he'd really like it and he just scoffs in my face. He used to go to mass with my grandma every Saturday evening, but I recently found out that he hasn't gone since April. I pray for him every day that he will get his life back on track, but I can't watch my own father behave like this. I can't make him change. He has to want to do it himself.

So my brother and I are going to get an apartment somewhere in the Edwardsville area where I will be closer to my job, my friends, my church, and my boyfriend and he'll be closer to his girlfriend and friends. I thought saving money was so utterly important to me, but not anymore. Saving money for my eventual move to LA isn't worth living with this all around me. I need to start my own life, away from my painful past of my drunken father. My mom took me and my brother away from that a long time ago for a reason and it kills my mother that I'm back there. There isn't anywhere for me to go and she can't support me along with 3 other people. I'm 23 years old and I've graduated college, it's time to be a big girl now. I've got God on my side and He'll allow everything to fall into place just as He has been doing for so long now. I've got a wonderful church family, a loving and supportive mom, stepdad, brother and sister, phenomenal friends, and an amazing boyfriend who are all by my side every day.

It's all gonna work out, I know it. It's just been really difficult lately and not many people know about it. I'm not ashamed of it. I know there are many people who've probably dealt with it too. And I pray for all of them. God loves you and He won't let anything bad happen to you. You are in better hands.

So if you could keep an eye out for a 2 bedroom apartment in the Edwardsville area between $500-$600, that'd would be fantastic. And your prayers are always welcomed. :)

Thanks. I love you all.

Peace & Love forever.

Falling into place

2008-10-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

I cannot even begin to describe the weekend I have just experienced. I think I could talk about it step by step, but it would never capture the true meaning of it all. Let’s just say I was given a gift this weekend worth more than anything I could have ever imagined. I was given a chance to discover my soul-mate.

Yes, to many, that statement sounds utterly ridiculous. But I know in my heart that it is truth. Complete truth. Perfect TRUTH. Paul, the “wee lil guy,” the young 18 year old I met at church back in August and just now got a chance to truly get to know him, is my soul-mate and we have fallen completely head over heels for each other. And the awesome part of this news is that WE did not do anything to make it happen. It was GOD. All God. When it’s God, it’s easy…it’s effortless.

Paul and I spent a total of 22+ hours talking to one another from Thursday-Sunday..all in person. Over this time-span, we not only learned more about each other, we learned that God had wired us for one another. We did not have to create anything because it was already there, our hearts waiting for one another’s chance meeting. He grew up in that church and longed for the day when his one and only would walk through that door. As he grew weary and was feeling somewhat discouraged, he dove into serving. Since the age of 6 years old, he worked in the TV department and has recently became the head of the department. What my mom saw on TV that wonderful morning was because of Paul’s service and his loyal heart to God. If my mom never saw Pastor David that morning on TV, we would never be members of Faith Church and I would have never met Paul. If I wasn’t wearing my silver shoes that another girl had as well that “made our feet smell,” I would have never met Morgan who then would have never introduced me to Paul back in August. It all falls into place. All the pieces are coming together.

If I listed all of the qualities I have longed for in a man right now, Paul would exceed all of them. He is everything I have ever wanted. He is all I have ever dreamed of, prayed for, hoped for. He is that true love I always searched for. The problem was the searching and the solution was surrendering my life to God. One week ago, I let go of so much pain and frustration that I had been holding onto for so many years. The very same night I did that, Paul asked me for my number and the rest is history. So much rests in your faithfulness towards God. If you listen and patiently wait, He will bring it all to you. Not in your time, but in His time. 7 days. He created the world in 7 days. We’ll never be able to wrap our heads around that concept. But I’ll just continue to praise Him because of that.

I don’t know what lies ahead of me, but I do know I will remain in faith. I will forever be a servant for God. Since last night, the idea of pursuing my dreams and having Paul in my life has been dancing around my head and weighing heavy on my heart. We both know that God wouldn’t allow us to find each other and then tear us a part. The only known is the unknown and above all, we must remain in faith and KNOW things will all work out even if we cannot fathom HOW they will play out. God is a much better planner than either he or I could ever be and I trust He will pave a way for us to both follow our dreams as individuals and as a couple. I’ve never believed people were made up of half of person and when they found their soul-mate, their “other half,” they were finally complete. I believe God has already made them complete when they allow themselves to have a strong relationship with Him. When two people come together, their union is so strong, NOTHING can break them a part. They come together as two WHOLE individuals with dreams and aspirations and they never stop living their own life, but learn how to share each other’s experiences together. Paul’s dreams become MY dreams and my dreams become PAUL’S dreams because we love one another SO MUCH. This is something I pray will happen for us. I talked to God about all of that this morning and also about why I wanted to be an actress. Since reading Purpose Driven Life, I’ve been figuring out more and more about my calling. God spoke to my heart this morning that calmed my worries. He told me:

Emily, I have given you your talents and abilities for a reason. You are not supposed to hide those talents from anyone or use them for personal pleasure or gain. You are supposed to share them with the world. You must learn how to serve in the church because it is very important to me, but most importantly, you are to serve in the world. You must be the light in all of the darkness. And Hollywood and Broadway are contaminated with evil and darkness. I want you to spread the news that they are not alone and that they no longer have to endure suffering and pain. And that there is a way…Jesus. I want you to be my strong Christian actress. You know that you are not OF this world, but I do ask you to live IN it. That is why you are here…I ask you to GO UNTO THE WORLD and share my message. The Bible says, "Go unto the world and preach the Gospel to every creature, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things and lo. I am with you always unto the end of the world."(Mathew 28: 19-20). Tell them about me. Share your talents that I have blessed you with. Not just your performing talents, but your heart, soul, and mind. Share with them who I have molded you into. Use your acting abilities to bring peace in their hearts. That they are not alone in this world. That they have brothers and sisters in the Lord who fall down just as they do. You will know what projects to choose because I will send them your way. You will know what projects go against your heart and morals. You will take what is going on in the world and know how to make change. You will bring hope and peace to so many hurting people. You are only one person, but each heart that you change matters to me.

I ask you to stay here in St. Louis to practice this difficult task. You are in preparation here. You will know when it is time to move to the next level. It’s going to seem very difficult and frightening to leave all that you have grown to know and love, but I have blessed you with very supportive friends and family members who will be there to hold you up when you are too tired or doubtful that this is your purpose. And you always have me. Because of that, I make it seem effortless. Most recently, I have sent Paul to you because He will be that strong masculine figure you’ve been asking for. He will prove to you that all the pain you’ve endured with men in your past no longer has to exist in your future. But remember to enjoy the present with him. Both of you will be so excited for things to come because I have given you the gift of certainty with this relationship. Don’t let that certainty overpower all the rest of your uncertainty that I ask you to take the time to pray over. I don’t want you to know all of the answers right away because I want you to look to me for the answers. And I do know them. You just need to be patient and listen.

Paul IS your soul-mate, Emily. You know this in your heart. He is everything you’ve been asking for, everything you’ve been hoping for, everything that you’ve been praying for. This is a gift I have given you because you have chosen to listen to me. You heard me ask you to stay. There are many gifts I have given you so far and many to come because of this decision. But Paul is something I know you’ve wanted your entire life. Something much bigger than a successful career or financial freedom. He is your one, true love. The true love you’ve asked me for time and time again. He will be by your side while you are in preparation here in the Midwest and by your side wherever I ask you to go. He will be another support for you because he truly believes I have placed this dream in your heart. Your passion for the talents I have given you and this dream will mean so much more because you now have a partner to experience it all with. Your relationship will blossom into something you cannot even imagine yet. It feels utterly amazing now and words will never be able to describe what it will be. I know you have a big heart full of love and you will love him unconditionally until the end of time. He will forever give you the same in return.

So REJOICE, REJOICE and be exceedingly glad! This is a time to tell the world about me and about what I have given you. Share your story: your struggles, your hardships, your pain…but most importantly, share your blessings. Let others know that it can happen if they are joyful, patient, obedient servants. Thank you for continuing to grow in Christ. And thank you for listening. You will never regret it.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Leaving it, Letting it Go, Letting it Drop...FINALLY & FOR REAL THIS TIME!

2008-10-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

So this morning I am chillin, listenin to some good tunes. These are the last days of my unemployment…I can feel it.

I have an interview tomorrow night with a family in Glen Carbon. It’s really good money and it’ll allow me to be around my good SIUE friends more often. This means I won’t be as lonely as usual. Once the play is over, I’ll have a lot more time to myself in the evenings. More time to work out, thank God. I am not gaining any more weight, but I’m definitely not losing the weight.

I wish I knew why I loved sleeping in so much. I get so comfortable in my own bed and I just like sleeping, I guess. By the time I wake up it’s usually almost noon and I have things to get done, but I manage to keep sitting around to get thoughts off of my chest. I probably should just talk to God instead of writing this all out, but I needed to write this morning.

I guess the biggest thing that I had to get off of my chest today is closing the door on Nathan completely. I really cannot afford to keep him in my thoughts or life any longer. He knows how to hurt me and he tries all that he can every time I see him. I saw him this past weekend at SIUE’s first play of the season because he was in charge of musical direction. So because I chose to stay in Edwardsville, Sarah wanted to go to the cast party. So I bought us 2 bottles of wine, one for each of us, and drove us to the party. I was not in a good mood at all and wanted to avoid Nathan at all costs, but my investigation skills wanted to track down any indecent activity that might be happening between him and another young woman. And as usual, I was right. Yep, he was trying to get in her pants. He is still with Emma…almost 2 years later. But he doesn’t care who he hurts. Nope. I got a little upset and went outside for a breather and of course he had to follow me and interrogate me and make me feel like crap…what he does oh so well. I went outside to talk to God and there Nathan was, in my face, blaming me for everyone in the theatre department at SIUE thinking he was a pig. “Nathan I’ve been gone…I’ve graduated!” “Well, who else would it be Emily!”

What I should have said to him: “YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!” But of course I thought of that the next morning…man! So he made me feel like utter crap and I lost it downstairs and spent the next 30 minutes in tears, letting out all the pain I had held onto for the past 2 years. I didn’t realize how much I was STILL holding on to. I was STILL angry and resentful for all that happened my Junior year while living in that house with all of Emma’s friends. I was STILL angry that Nathan cheated on me more than once, that I found those earrings on his nightstand and believed his story. I was STILL angry that he made me think that he still loved me and that I still loved him. I was STILL angry that he told me a year and a half after we broke up that he almost proposed to me and had bought a ring, but returned it because our relationship was in shambles. Way to make someone feel like crap all over again…awesome! I let it all out and realized that it was no longer my problem anymore. I was NOT his girlfriend. I did NOT have to worry if he was with another woman any more. I did NOT have to wonder if he still loved me because true love NEVER existed between us. We may have loved each other but it died long before we broke up.

So before any of this went down, God had spoke to me about all of this still in my heart:

I have given you many things in the past that have gone dormant among the trials, expectations, and struggles of life. Some became dormant because of unwillingness to let go of unfounded doubts and unbelief based on the actions of men. Some still have a hold on you and prevent growth because you became critical in response to their actions. Let it go. Let My light of love and graces penetrate the deepest, darkest places. Forgive, and receive My light. Let the seed of Christ be birthed in your heart’s veiled places. My Son did not despise a manger. He went where He was welcomed. I do not shy away from concealed and dark places. I just go where I am welcomed and I overshadow with love, healing and resurrection. Yes, a time of restoration is here.
(http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2008/10/13/in-the-beginning-love-letter/)

I quietly handed it over to Ana as I was sitting next to her at the play. But I never really released it. Not until yesterday at church. The message fit perfectly into my heart and was exactly what I needed. I sighed, and gave it over to God to take care of. Nathan was no longer going to manipulate my heart because I gave my heart to God a long time ago. Nathan was no longer going to drop me because I am in God’s hands now. So now I see why my soul-mate hasn’t entered my life yet. I was holding onto my past and I could never move forward with that part of my life until I LET GO! And I did yesterday. It felt so good!
And later that night…not to look too far into things…a very good-looking, friendly, young man whom I’ve gotten to know for a few weeks now at church, asked me for my number. God is good my friends! Hahahaha….He is SO GOOD!

Patience. YES YOU MUST WAIT!

2008-10-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

I gotta a phone call yesterday morning from my nanny agency telling me to expect a phone interview that night with a potential employer. AWESOME! Only problem is...they never called.

So I know they were impressed my my resume and they are really excited to talk to me, I just don't know when that's gonna happen. So I must wait by my phone all day for the next few days. I'm trying to continue to stay positive, it's just the waiting that's killing me! They don't need me until November, so I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to know I have a job or not. Wait! I know why...because I have a small fear of the unknown! Yes, yes, that's it!

So...it's a wonderful thing that I even get an interview. I need to keep telling myself that. I've been struggling with finding a job since the end of August, so this is great for me to get a chance to be secure and comfortable with my finances finally.

Onto my other career...my acting career...I'm lining up auditions and readings left and right and also performing in a play and eventually filming an indie movie. So, I think I'm doing a good job with remaining active and I feel as if I'm allowed to call myself an actor. I'm not sitting on my butt until something happens, I'm working on making things happen every day.

I'm hearing great things from people in the biz and I'm excited to see where it leads me. Good things are gonna happen to me!

Always on my heart.

2008-10-10T12:09:00.001-07:00

So sometimes when I least expect it, I hear God's still voice. A lot of times it's when I'm in the shower or in the bathroom at all. I wonder why that is...maybe it's because there aren't any distractions in there and whatever activities are done in there are pretty basic and second-nature. Too personal? Oh well, we all poop and take showers. Get over it. :)

If anyone knows me they know I'm extremely driven and goal-oriented. This is tough for a Christian because we are taught to surrender our lives to Christ and to let God have the pen to our life-story. When things aren't going the way I would like them to, it's really tough not to fight God for the pen or find my own pen and become a CO-AUTHOR with God. That's just silly to even TRY to compare myself to such a master writer. Something that I really enjoy about God's presence in my life is when He puts a goal in my heart and He sends me mental pictures of what they look like. Not to sound conceited, but I see myself walking down the red carpet at award shows and later giving that infamous speech that I've practiced every time I watch the Emmy's, Oscar's, Tony's, Grammy's, etc on the TV. I see myself belting it out behind the footlights on the stage at the August Wilson Theater on Broadway. I see my face and my bio on the back of my latest novel in Borders. I see me in the recording studio with the headphones singing the Lord's praises on my up and coming Praise and Worship album. It may sound crazy...but He would not give you talents and abilities and not let you use them to your fullest potential! So remember that.

With that said, one of my biggest goals and dream is to become a successful actress of both stage and screen. I've been planning my move to LA for over a year now. One of my obstacles to reach this objective was school. I tackled that one when I graduated in May from SIUE with my BA in Theater and Dance. Awesome! Now onto the next obstacle...MONEY! You need money and a lot of it if you want to be successful in a new city. Especially a big city like Los Angeles. And this obstacle has been kickin my butt since the end of August. God has provided for my basic needs and a little more, but so far, I have not found a solid job to go beyond my basic needs and save all the money it'll take to start a new life in LA.

God said this to me today: "Emily, I made you a very talented and driven YOUNG (youthful looking) woman and I will bring so much success to your life that you will never have to depend on anyone [especially a man] but me. You will have all of your needs met and more. So much so that you will be able to provide for your family and give back to them all that they have given you and more. You will be able to give back to your community and your church family. You will have more than enough. Your life will be overflowing with success and you will live your life in abundance! Because of your youthful looks, it won't matter how long it takes you to reach that success in your acting career. Time is not running out for you. In fact, as you age, you will understand your craft more because of your maturity and life experiences that I have allowed to happen to you. You will continue to learn and grow from every fall and every step that you take."

Wow.

If that doesn't make you feel good, I don't know what does! That's how much our God loves us. He will take care of you! Don't compare your path with anyone else ever again. Your path will be so utterly unique and colorful. Because of that you will find so many rewards in life.

When I allowed myself to let all of that sink in, I realized that there is no rush anymore. I actually ENJOY what's happening right now, right now in front of me. Maybe there is a HUGE reason God is asking me to stay here in IL. And I won't know what it is until it happens or I'm happily living life in LA and I can look back and be glad I stayed. It could be one BIG thing or it could be so many small things that add up to a wonderful life. I can make a list right now of all the things that have happened to me and they all make me really excited to see what else is to come. With all the good, the enemy continues to throw all the bad my way. I keep knocking it down with my faith in our Creator.

I discuss my faith on here because it's very important to me and right now it's what I depend on to get through these difficult times. There's not a day that goes by that I do not link what's happening in my life with God's grace. I express it through my words to shred some light on my issues and maybe to help someone else get through their own struggles.

I'm in a good mood despite all the hardships going on right now. I guess the good mood has a lot to do about feeling protected by my heavenly Father. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

I love you all. You're all precious to me.

God's Time

2008-10-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

I've been having a heck of a time these past few weeks finding a solid job with some security. The job interview that I'm supposed to have on Saturday leaves me with an odd feeling. I found it on craigslist and the guy posted a new position the other day that look very similiar but some things were changed. And that's the weird part, it's a guy. He hasn't mentioned the baby or his wife. So I emailed him yesterday and told him that because of the shady stories I've heard about craigslist, I wanted to meet him in a public place like Starbucks. I still have yet to hear back from him. Like Pastor Dave says, "If you don't know...don't go." I'm having a weird yellow light in my spirit about it. It could be some creeper trying to meet a nice girl by offering her a fake nanny job.

So I called my nanny agency this morning and they are sending my newly updated portfolio to a family in University City. It sounds great to me. $500/week, paid vacation and holidays, and I get out early on Fridays at 3pm. I don't know...I'm wondering why this search has been so difficult for me. The longer it takes me to find a job, the longer I won't be moving out to LA. I wake up every morning thinking about this when I know I should be praising God for His glory even if I can't see it. "Lead by faith, not sight" Pastor Dave says. It's not like I haven't been doing the work. I apply for at least 2-3 jobs a day. That's a lot of jobs for the past month and a half! But honestly, I think God is trying to teach me patience and discipline. And probably gratitude. Every glory should be praised to Him, not myself for finding a job. I'm so used to controlling everything. I am very organized and my OCD kicks in from time to time and I've always managed to have many successes in my life. For the first time in my life when someone asks me what I'm up to, I get embarrassed because I am not as successful as usual. I don't have some grand thing to talk about. Being unemployed isn't the big impressive thing I want to talk about after I just acheived a college degree. But I suppose that is God teaching me humility. I've always had such confidence in myself. And I still do, but God wants me to be confidently humble. If that makes any sense.

The one thing that I've still been holding onto and really need to surrender to God is when I will move. At first I said, "It'll happen when God wants it to happen." And then when I found that last job in Ladue, I put a date back on it. I think God is shaking my life to wake me up and STOP CONTROLING EVERYTHING! So yeah, if I get this nanny job with my agency, I have to give them at least a year committment. That means if I don't get the job until the end of this month, I won't be headed to LA until Nov or Dec 2009. A part of me is going "AN ENTIRE YEAR FROM NOW...WHAT?!" That's the driven side of me that wants this career to happen. But then the obedient Christian is saying "When it's God's time, it's GOD'S TIME!" And as each day passes, I see why staying is the better choice...I met so many people at church the other night and one of them asked me for my number. I got invited to a weekend youth conference in FL in January and I'm going! I talked to the lady in charge of it and I'm giving her my money on Sunday to secure a spot. It's only like $150 to go and it pays for everything..including a house on the beach! If I was moving in January, I couldn't go to this thing. God is so specific isn't He?! :)

I'm getting more involved in the drama ministry at church. I helped with a skit on our big "Country Sunday" and the woman in charge of the Xmas program told me that I don't even have to audition because they already want to give me a part and most of the material is gonna be filmed! That's exciting!

I'm feeling called to help in the nursery. I think I've been going there long enough that I don't need to sit in the sanctuary to get the message. They desperately need help and I think I need to serve where there is need.

Brighton Beach is going well. I keep getting really good comments from the director, so that's good. The indie movie doesn't shoot my scenes until November or December, but when we do, I'll so be ready! I'm auditioning on Sunday for Webster's student film season. It's just like a giant casting call for all of the directors to pick out their actors. Hopefully I'll get a chance to do a couple projects and get some stuff for a reel. I'll be around longer so I can build up my resume a little more. When it's God, it's effortless. I'm so excited for it to finally be a little bit easier because this whole trying to control it all on my own has been tough!

Feeling torn between past and present

2008-10-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

I always thought that when someone changes, a piece of their past goes away... never to return, but I realized last night that even within one person, a battle between two selves can occur. The battle was between one's past self and one's present self. Although my mind was dwelling in the past last night, I had to force my body to keep moving forward. This whole situation played out in an actual event while I could have chosen to literally turn my car around and confront a person from my past. But I kept driving because I allowed God to take the wheel. I gave Him the pen for my love story along time ago and I couldn't rip it from His hands just to chase something that has already past. This wasn't all just strictly about my past, but a past LOVE. Even more specifically, a past FORBIDDEN love. I am not ashamed of my life experiences because they all happened for a reason and the Lord turned all the evil into good. Because of my relationship with God, I can now see the good in it.

But I can't say that it didn't eat at me last night as I went to visit this friend (with whom I had a very painful and complicated past love with) who chose to move 2 hours away without telling me or giving me any contact information. I discovered that he was in a play through the madness that is facebook. I drove 2 hours to see a play and to let him know that I was still alive and to see how he had been. It was so good to see the look on his face when he finally saw me...he was in shock but was clearly excited to see me. I can't say the same for his wife (although we are supposedly friends too). "What are you doing here? Why would you drive 90 miles to come see a play?" She says with a painted on smile.

The funny thing is...I don't even think I knew why I did. I was telling myself that it was because this person was a close friend and I thought this could be my one and only chance to see him. What I didn't know is that I would see him and want everything to go back to the way they were. But it was clearly obvious...THINGS CHANGED! Not only in my life, but his. His marriage seems strong now, he is going back to college (Praise God! I'm so proud of him!), they own a house...he is living again! He is no longer moping around his lonely trailer wondering where his life is headed or why his wife doesn't love him.

After the show, I didn't get to talk to him about everything that I wanted to. I didn't get to ask him about his life or what has been happening to me, which is something I would do every few weeks in person when he lived here. But on my way back, my phone rang and it was him. This is the point I almost pulled a past-Emily by lying that I had JUST left and I could turn around. And even though I was looking for a place to turn around, there wasn't a side road in sight and I forced myself to keep driving. As I caught up with his life, I felt closure. Our converastion was brief, but I knew that he was in a good place even if he didn't tell me. If I'm meant to hear from him again, he will call. If not, I think there is a reason I don't have his contact info. and that he has mine.

The one thing that stuck out to me in our conversation: I was talking to him about my move to LA. He asked me if I wanted to move and I told him HECK YEAH, but it was just the matter of what God wanted. I told him that I was trying to listen to what God was wanting for my life and he told me, "Well, maybe you should listen harder if you haven't found it out." Out of everything we had said, that's the one thing I took from it. I needed to listen harder to what God has been trying to tell me. Our relationship isn't as tight as it has been and He wants to hear from me more and He wants to talk to me!

So as I've said before, I will remain in faith and let God know that He has the pen to my story, my love story, my life story. Even if I am tempted to pull "past-Emilys," I know that God has my back and I will listen to my spirit and not my brain (which is usually only processing information that it already knows...the PAST!). I have changed and no matter how much my mind dwells in the past, I will try to keep moving forward as far away from that destruction and pain as possible.

I feel better this morning. I feel ready for the day. I feel at peace again. Praise God!

Peace, Joy, & Love.

:)

Complete Honesty.

2008-10-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

So you know how I like to be the strong, single woman with every intention to make something of herself? You know, Miss Independent who loves her singlehood?

Well, I would be lying if I said that I never get lonely.

The hardest part is when someone who I know isn't good for me calls me and tells me how much he misses me and wants to hold me. It's hard to ignore that yearning to be held. I know that I only long to be held...I don't long to be held by him. And that is the hardest thing to ignore. I could so easily go running into this guy's arms, but it wouldn't be for the right reasons.

I have utter belief and faith that God will bring me my soul-mate and he will be so utterly amazing that I won't be able to contain my joy when we finally meet and fall in love. I will remain in that faith until that day comes.

But right now, I keep drifting back to thoughts and memories of a love I once knew. A very young love, but a precious one at that. I believe it was true love because it transformed into a love for him as a very close friend. We never fought out of anger when we broke up, but I definitely fought to win him back. But alas, it was not meant to be. He will be married to his soul-mate on December 27th. And I couldn't be happier for them. I know I don't long for him anymore, but I do long for the love that we once had.

I look back on the rest of my complicated and ugly relationships since him and wonder if I will ever truly understand that kind of love. Would I even remember what it feels like? Or will I just KNOW. They say when it's real, true love, you just KNOW. It's been almost 6 and 1/2 years since I experienced that kind of loving relationship. Wow. 6 and 1/2 years. I've had relationships since then, but it was never the same and they always gave more pain than joy.

I know there is a reason it hasn't happened yet. The painful relationships taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined. God took all of that pain and turned it into good. But if I would have let God have the wheel right from the very beginning, I would have never endured any of that pain. But I can't say what if any more. I'm moving forward, not backward. I know that I am in southern IL for a reason. God has a plan for me here and has placed me in New Baden, IL for a purpose. When it's the right time, He'll allow my move to LA happen effortlessly. And maybe "he'll" appear when I least expect it while I'm still here in IL or maybe "he'll" be waiting for me in LA. Only God knows. I guess it's just hard not to want it when you hear and see examples of that precious love all around you.

Between my married friends, engaged friends, the families I nanny for, there's all this proof that soul-mates exist. It's just hard not to look at your life as a time-line and wonder when it's gonna happen for you. I understand that everyone's life path is different and that is what makes life so exciting. I just wish I knew why I haven't been in love since I was 16 years old.

I will do what everyone does when they are waiting for something. Pray and find joy in the other things that God places in your life. It'll be 2 years at the end of this month since my last serious relationship ended. Boy have I learned a lot about me in those 2 years! And I'm sure there is more to come as long as I stay faithful and strong in my belief that God will take care of me.

Peace, Joy, & Love.